ex's, inlaws and feeling bad

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I took my 2 sons (10 months and 2 yrs) to my ex bfs flat to visit with his aunty and mother. It was really horrible.

I was with my ex ( both AS) for 5 years on and off and whilst we both love each other we have an abusive relationship which is horrible for both of us much of the time. We are still close and good friends and sometimes lovers and a lot of time hateful and rowing. I through him out last january for being too violent and he was homeless for several months but now has a flat but weve kept all the bad stuff from his family. I take the boys round his flat 3 times a week and meet up on top of that in the park or to go to town but he doesnt come to my house as its hard to get him out if he turns nasty.

During this visit with my ex's mum and aunty, they were so inappropriate and upsetting. My ex is a very private man who likes his things left alone and dislikes noseyness and intrusion but his mum and aunty have no respect for this. They insisted on going through all his things and cleaning his kitchen, replacing things of his that they dont like, moving his furniture around, going through his cupboards, drawers, letters. They dont listen and just dismiss protestations that they stop and its so stressful. They make horrible grilling conversations and make one reveal too much and judge on what one has said. They made my 2 year old cry twice by doing horrible discipline/bantering and be really disapproving about everything. After all previous visits they have phoned my ex and grilled him on whether Im stealing money, food, belongings from him and even phoned his social worker once to warn him I was demanding money off him (I wasnt and have not).

I hate them so much, I dont want to see them again, Ive binged really badly on food as Im so upset and feel like crap, I want to die, they make me so self loathing and stressed.

but I dont want to be unfair to my ex or our boys. I want to support my ex and not let him down, its bad enough for him dealing with them, I dont want to make him feel worse about it. I dont want to make him feel torn between us or feel Im getting at him too.

also I dont want to leave my boys alone at their visit as I worry about the inlaws making them sad and my ex not coping looking after the boys whilst being bullied by his family (multitasking!).

whats the right thing to do?

Ugh, damn in-laws with zero respect for boundaries, I don?t have children, but i wouldn?t leave them alone with your in laws until they are older and can respond with awareness. If you set boundaries I doubt (based on their respect for your ex?s personal boundaries) they would respect yours either. Can you introduce a different location? A neutral one? Not all the time, just as a break, walk to the nearest park/alternative for some family time... alone. The in laws are a permanent fixture, minimise contact through valid, mum, dad and kids time.
I don't know what the right thing is to do, my input should come with a disclaimer.

I've got a fairly intrusive mother-in-law myself.

The best (lowest conflict and lowest stress) solution I have been able to come up with is to accommodate, accommodate, accommodate.

Do it their way, do what they say, just go along with it all (unless you can get multiple professional opinions or a court order instructing you to do otherwise).

You can do things differently when they're not around (unfortunately for me MIL lives with us half the year), and you can tell the kids that what they are doing is wrong and should be ignored/not emulated, but you will never succeed in getting them to stop the behavior. Which leaves you with distance, conflict, or compliance.

Out of those three, I recommend either distance or compliance. All conflict does is increase your stress level and their pleasure in tormenting you.

I keep trying to think up of a worthwhile reply, but I can't.

Does Tom really need them in his life?

That's very intrusive. He had every right to tell them to leave right there and then. I wouldn't have anything to do with them if I was him (or you).