For some reason I want to be sad...

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I know that probably sounds stupid. I don't really know why anyone would want to be depressed, let alone why I'd want myself to be. Maybe because it's familiar. Also, maybe because when I'm not depressed I don't really feel anything. I feel empty.

I think part of why I don't feel as depressed anymore is because I gave up on interacting with people and having friends. Ever since I've come to my grandparents, all I do every day is go to work, and then I come home and hide in my room for the rest of the day. I have turned down what little opportunities I get to interact and socialize with others. I just want to be alone.

All that said, I still don't really feel good about anything. Really, I don't feel anything about anything. I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis, both with learning about Asperger's and wondering what the results of my upcoming evaluation will be, and just in general I don't really see a point in or care about anything anymore. I'm just going through the motions because it's all I can do right now.

I too know this feeling.

What you are describing is depression. You are getting confused with the meaning of depression and the meaning of the depression as a mood disorder. Thus, the current melancholic state you are in right now perfectly describes what the mood disorder can cause.

You lack the "why" in your life. Thus, you see everything as meaningless and so you gave up finding that meaning. The "why" is a very hard thing to find as I have livid the majority of the 21 years of my life without the "why" and still don't have it. I always went ahead with life saying I will find the "why" later, to my dismay, I never did find it. So, at this moment I am like you without a reason to live in this world. Thus, I am in the very similar melancholic state as you are.

I know that feeling. A lot. I worry actually when I'm not depressed. The numbness and everything else that accompanies it is really all I've known for years and it's quite unsettling when I notice the lack of it during those times I don't feel it. Though I guess those times can't all be bad. Usually it's during a temporary distraction.