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Today: The Transition Expecting from Not Expecting and Comparing apples to oranges at the same time.

Then:
1980's Positive = 1987 I was born and felt happy for 3 years. Closer to my dad. Remembered the time I was in the front driver's side seat with him.
1980's Negative = Nothing, I'm indifferent about the 80's
1980's Indifferent = I wasn't at my time.
1990's Positive = Progressive Society. Good Media: Star Trek Voyager - Female Starfleet Captain = Positive (I seen these by accident), 4th grade girlfriend (we're just friends).
1990 Tragedy: Mom died at age 33. Was 3 years old. Felt sad but not sure why.
1999-2000 Positives: Learning how to roll with punches in middle school by not caring.
1999-2000 Negatives: Girls called me ugly, stupid, boys hit me. (particularly other races specifically) (7th to 8th grade)
2001-2005 (High School Years) Positive: stored almost every word told to me in my brain for future use. (good recall memory)
2001-2005 (High School Years) Negative: Rolling with the punches hurt so bad.
2005-2006 (Post High School) Positive: Learning independence
2005-2006 (Post High School) Negative: Counterproductive nagging from my dad's ex-wife's daughter. (when I lived with her), found she was trying to control me.
2007-2008 (College) Positive: Got Driver's Licence, Got to go to local concerts I liked, enjoyed my interests, made peers.
2007-2008 (College) Negative: Suffering from forming friends or social relationships especially long term. Missing parents.
2008-2009 (Regret Years): Hit 21, tried drinking, tried what mainstream media suggests. Failed miserably.
2008-2009 (Lesson Learned): Don't do that again.
2010-2011 (Confusion): Had friends who had problems in the past (no medical diagnoses)
2012 Positive: Graduated from College
2012 Negative: Couldn't find a job, GF, or anything pleasurable anymore on the road of negative thinking. attempted suicide.
2013 Positive: Got a chance to try this one more time.
2013 Negative: No difference from previous years.
What I learned so far: I stay 1 year behind and the world is always changing.
As a whole
Learning from the past, I look at life in a very black and white with lots of shady greys.

Now let's look at me this year.
2014:
Discoveries (positive and negative mix):
I lost my male gender identity
I know why the 7 deadly sins are deadly now.
I know what the 7 heavenly virtues are
I observed the past, and I observe the present as I go.
I don't need any friends to stay true to myself. It's ok to be unique. (even though I understand the risk of having a lower life span).
I understand that I had cut my life span by being depressed, anxious.
I am learning meditation to let go of everything.
I lucid dream/believe/have faith in what I believe in (although I still understand the rules of survival on this planet. i.e. conformity to the correct degree, virtuous acts, etc).
Showing more indifference towards relationships (with anyone): It's still hard for girls to treat boys with respect, because I notice when I shared my feelings, they reciprocated in a different way.

on the other side of that coin:
Therapy sessions with good therapists of choice have been reduced to 40 mins.
I temporary lost my identity as a person; This happened to me driving home from a Halloween party. I knew my name, my online usernames, but not my ego anymore at that moment. Drove home safe. (subconscious memory) On positive and negative notes: I make a mess, but don't care because I love my memory and train it every day with patience.

Most important discovery about myself to sum things up: I don't need a pedestal anymore I feel ego free. (strange I'm still alive typing this, but whatever)

In conclusion:
I have been shunned for speaking positive things by the social media after creeping out of negativity. No sense of forgiveness yet.

I warn others: Watch out
Sin: Anger <-> Virtue: Patience
Sin: Lust <-> Virtue: Chasity
Sin: Sloth <-> Virtue: Temperance
Sin: Pride or Vanity (egotism) <-> Virtue: Humility
Sin: Gluttony <-> Virtue:
Sin: Greed <-> Virtue: Charity
Sin Envy <-> Virtue: Compassion

Hmmm. Fallen Angel ---> Rise of the morning star? I don't know my future.
Who wants to take a life balance challenge?

negative: Killing, (which is going too far), (I still have time and a chance to make my life right). bad visions. wanting to kill.
positive: not acting on it at all
indifferent (positive way): I can't change the past, I accept my life and I go with the flow now.

Foundations: Acceptance, Attitude, Ambitiousness, Angelic (stuff that starts with A)
Hindrances: Self Loathing, Self Harm, Suicide, Stupidity, (stuff that starts with S's), but not survival. that one happens when least expected in my life.

I categorize but not stigmatize
I stay true but not fall in love
I am uncertain than stubborn
I am accepting rather than dwelling
I am happy because I know I can be sad.
I am sad because I know I can be happy.
I am grateful rather than sorry.
I like to be genuinely creative than caring what other people think.
If I accidentally have a power I cannot let it fall in the wrong hands.


It's everybody's Choice for themselves, others, and decendents. What do you want? Paradise or Oblivion? Balance or Ruin?



Statistics about my AS sources:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G8J6FkIEyfc/U ... /1in50.jpg

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/03/ ... 34x430.jpg



TL;DR (reddit style): I changed pretty dramatically; I don't have much time to organize to make things I remember a lot of things now to put it on paper, and I know nothing is in context and might not make any sense to anyone. Don't worry too much of it.

now to plan for the future:
2015: ????????????????