I still want to kill myself

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I realize that things have been getting better for me recently, but I still always have suicidal thoughts, even if I'm not feeling particularly down at any given moment. Enough to the point that I've actually come up with a general plan of how I will do it.

I used to obsess over suicide, but I wanted to make sure it would be a successful attempt if I did attempt it. For a long time it was too difficult for me to pull off. I have an intense fear of heights and falling, and I could never get my hands on a gun, so that left me without many options that would almost definitely work. That's why I never made an attempt, I didn't want to have to deal with living through it.

But I still think about it daily, and I still look up methods and think about how I would do it. I don't know if it's out of habit or if I still really want to end my life. I'm just really confused.

But I did come up with a way that I think would be almost certain to work this week, that doesn't involve firearms or my fear of heights. I don't think I would do it just because I can. But if something provokes me, I don't know. For some reason I feel like I want to put it all in place so I can do it if that happens.

But why? I don't even know why I want to do it, really. I mean, I've been through a lot of crap up to this point in my life, but logically it doesn't make sense to throw the rest of it away. Even though I feel like the rest of my life will be like this, the rest of it could end up being a lot better than the first 19 years.

Even so, I still feel sad most of the time, and I'm still preoccupied with thoughts of suicide. I still feel lonely. I guess I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Nothing seems to make it better. I've been like this for 3 years, and it's gotten a bit better recently, but it still feels like it's never going to really go away. And who would want to live their whole life feeling like that?

Alright; here's why I'm alive...

The way it looks from within this particular brain bucket, suicide is not merely a violent act towards oneself. It violently affects anyone who might benefit from your school-of-hard-knocks wisdom vis-a-vis the transitive property. A select few gifted people can dispel these miserable inclinations or exacerbate them, though the former is a far more powerful gift. I've been the benefactor of such entities before and presuming I survive in good enough shape long enough I'm sure I will be again. Staring into such vast unknowns as death or the relinquishment of self-awareness can in fact be leveraged towards enlightenment. You know as well as anyone could that none of this comes easily, so I think I should point out to you that you & your siblings share a depth of understanding that is sorely missed in western culture.

Fear of death is as much a disease as depression, it's simply too widespread a delusion to be medically recognized as such. It is the basis for the majority of legislation, western medicine, monotheistic religion and millions of people's lives. Those of us who have stepped beyond this rigid, stigmatic cult of self-preservation are an externality, surviving times like these confers strength one can radiate towards those who need it. Reality permitting, I think you should get that apartment with your sister & brother. Not only can you help keep one another alive and share guidance, you can greatly expand the minds of those around you.

IMHO there is no real exit from this life other than at the end. anything else is akin to ditching classes in school, the work will have to be eventually made up some other time.

Consciousness is only superficially divided between living things. I've spent long enough staring at the outer limits of reality to tell you that with near certainty. I don't really feel like being reincarnated as a fruit fly just yet. I could be anesthetized in a vial by my past self! Sometimes you drink the milk, usually the milk drinks you.

being reincarnated as a fruit fly is considered transmigration, and according to various people such as edgar Cayce and the Persian mystic Rumi, that only goes in the forwards direction [from lower life form to higher life form].

In that case it seems to me we're more likely to be homunculi residing within the mind of a higher life form. To feel purposelessness could be the beginnings of realizing we're getting close to merging with or reincarnation as one of those, or it might indicate the realization that we're not in fact the most intelligent/dominant species on earth.

I died as a mineral and became a plant;
I died as a plant and rose to animal;
I died as animal and I was a man.
Why should I fear? When was I less by dying?
Yet once more I shall die as man to soar
With angels blest. Yet even from an angel
I must pass on; All except God must perish.
When I have sacrificed my angel soul,
I shall become what no mind ever conceived.
[Rumi]

Frankly, sir, it would be a waste for you to kill yourself.

You have a nice future ahead of you. I can feel it.

You're an intelligent person who could help others down the road.

You are in a bad environment at the moment, is it possible for your thoughts about suicide to change in a different living situation with your sister and closer to your mum?

I'm not sure. But I hope so.

You make good rational points to which I agree. If you’re 19 you have an overly high chance I’m gonna say percentage wise high 90’s of your life getting better. The reason for this is scientifically quite simple you’re brain hasn’t finished its physical developmental cycle yet nor has personality finished its developmental cycle. You still have things to learn, capabilities to develop and some of them may prove useful. My own experience followed this principle. I don’t have a good life but it’s better than 19 and there’s still a chance it’ll continue getting better as I learn.

Perhaps it’s the thought of being in control to know that you have the ability to end pain if you wish that is comforting because nobody wants to live their lives like that. Ironically telling yourself that you’re in control of that pain offers a way to deal with it and continue living despite it. So I don’t think you want to die; you’re just doing what you can to survive. Perhaps to survive is even an admirable trait you possess. I guess it depends on the person's perspective whether the latter is true or not.

Best Wishes

dont give up ...

to the OP: if it has "gotten a bit better recently," why not hold onto that feeling of a bit better? savor it, build upon it. dwell upon it, inhabit it, hang onto it for all its worth.

Hope is good, and this is really good
So much can happen in a year, this time last year I'll guess you didn't know there was a name for your perception of the world or that there were others like you. Nurture realistic hopes for your future, self defined/individual ones, not the standards set by your macro/exo/meso/micro system (Ecological systems theory). Wishing you the best for 2015.

I'm trying. It's hard though. It seems like the good feelings don't last long, it's always just a momentary relief from feeling depressed. To me, feeling happy feels fake, like I'm just hiding from the truth. I even feel like this while I am feeling happy.



Yeah, this time last year the only thing I even suspected was ADHD, and that didn't explain much. I thought I was just defective. And I was extremely alone, the only place I felt like I could talk or write about my feelings was on Yahoo Answers. And the people there aren't always very helpful (or nice).

I usually cried for hours every night too. Intense crying. Honestly I kind of miss that, I think it helped me feel a bit better, but now it's like I've lost the ability to cry just from doing it so much before. Most days now I get the feeling like I want to cry, for no apparent reason, at random times in the day. But since I can't, it makes me want to do other things, like hurt myself, instead.

But at least I'm not as suicidal as I was then. Honestly I'd probably be dead right now if I was, the only reason I didn't do it a year ago was because I very likely would have been caught. I didn't want that, because I felt like people were just going to tell me I was stupid, that I'm choosing to have negative thoughts, that I just want attention. Stuff I'd already been told before, by people that I thought cared. But I was determined to do it eventually. I guess those thoughts and desires don't go away easily once they're there.



I honestly have tried not to hope for things, because all the times I felt hope in the past I was totally disappointed and devastated as a result. I thought they were realistic at the time, but I realize now they are only realistic hopes for normal people. Even when I just tried to be happy and accept myself I couldn't do it, because absolutely nobody would listen or accept me. If I tried to talk about how I was feeling to the people who claimed they cared, they would literally tell me I'm wrong, or that what I was bringing up doesn't matter. So does that mean my feelings are wrong and don't matter? That my existence is wrong, and doesn't matter? And so I came to the conclusion that I wasn't meant to be happy or accepted; the fact that nobody would help me must mean I'm just a hopeless cause and have no purpose in continuing. I don't think that's entirely logical, but it makes perfect sense when I'm depressed.

Anyway, thank you for the advice, I will try to be more hopeful about my future.

which feels worse- the depressed emotions or the "fake" happiness? go with what FEELS better/nicer overall, to you.