Feeling depressed and hate myself

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This is probably stupid and people are probably going to laugh at me but i have been really depressed lately as well as a few recurring flashbacks contributing to it. I get into repetative cycles of self hate and make similar negative threads when I get like this. I feel worthless useless a constant loser and a nobody, no purpose and at times struggle to find a reason to keep trying, negative thoughts manifest into my head I constantly fight with myself during these times, and a lot of times the negative thoughts overtake my possitive thoughts. I will sometimes get urges of hurting myself for not being perfect but will fight myself to snap out of it.

It's not stupid at all. I get a lot of those feelings a lot of the time. If you ever want to talk, my PM is open.

I go through similar cycles. your thoughts and problems are all valid for one who has undergone extreme psychological torture.

I think you're pretty much a funny and cool guy who likes to make funny, provocative threads. I don't really see the harm in it.

But some of the stuff (like men being useless because some lady discovered that she doesn't need sperm to have kids) is absurd. And you probably know it's absurd--but you need to vent, anyway.

You're actually a hard worker, and are an independent person.

I don't really know too much about Anime--but it seems pretty harmless. It's a Japanese cartoon genre, basically (as far as I know).

Kinda feeling like that myself...I am so embarrassed because I got black out drunk(seriously cannot remember what exactly happened) but I was puking and angry about something, my mom and her boyfriend freaked out thinking I was going to choke on vomit or something though knowing them it probably was not nearly as bad as they say...and took me to the ER, so embarrasing. Things like that just make me want to dissapear, then again I should probably stop dwelling since at least I don't go getting wasted every weekend or anything on a regular basis...still feel stupid for not watching my intake and making sure to stay below my limit. And when I feel stupid about something seems to bring on self loathing and depression even if a large amount of other people have done the same if not worse and didn't feel so bad about it.

There are times I think suicide would make things better but attempting it would lead to intervention by some of my family or friends or cops would be called on me again and i spend a few days in the loony bin and get suicide counseling and such. Even if I do succeed regardless of thinking it would make everyone happy it will probably just cause more grief and there would be a huge mess for others to clean up and unfinished tasks would be unfinished....So not going to do that either I just don't know why I exist wtf was i born wtf
am I such a freak? I set high expectations only to blunder and fail regardless of trying 100% with all my best and I am dissapointed with myself and angry at myself at times. I am surprised I have any friends at all because i am weird I am not perfect I am immature and i cannot always meet my goals, cannot maintain a steady relationship because I am too chickenshit and paranoid I am going to be in an abusive relationship from again regardless of the low odds recurring again but also feeling of no self worth. I feel alone but im not truly alone I cannot even figure myself out at times. I try and help other people out but avoid help from others or receiving help from others because I dont feel I am as important as other people just the lowest common denominator of humanity due to my imperfections and my blunders. *sigh* I feel like hurting myself but going to refraim from doing so it only leads to more scars on my body I think ill go for a walk to the store grab a couple 40s and drink myself silly then snap out of this nonsense and conk out. I just hate these god damn flash backs and self hating modes I hate myself but dont hate myself all the time I am so god damn confused right now!

It's a mental illness. Hey, I have it too and have gone through the same kind of ups and downs. I've attempted to rationalize suicide so many times, but in sober retrospect, there never really is any rational basis to it. I'm glad I didn't succeed at any of my attempts. It took some time to gain stability (a couple of years of which were lost to alcoholism; I really don't suggest going down that road...there's only so many times you can pee yourself before it gets depressing) and it took even longer for me to have a genuine social circle and support network, but hey, I made it. I just had to power through it. I asked the "why am I here?" and "why am I like this?" questions for years, but the only way to get an answer is to stick around long enough to find it. You can't solve anything by being dead.

Do you have a regular therapist or are on any kind of meds? I spent years without those things and - quite understandably - spent it all in a haze of self-loathing and endured several suicide attempts and countless hospitalizations. Sometimes we can just be too stubborn to admit that we need help, but it's the most important step to take.

I've done the same, bullying myself both emotionally and physically. That's what mental illness feels like, just different parts of you fighting over each other. It can really drive you over the edge, and more often than not, you feel like siding with the negative. It's not a good feeling at all, but it's one that can be worked on.

Honestly, I don't know much about health care or how it works because I'm kind of a moron, but I know there should affordable options. I currently have Medi-Cal, and I was hooked up with a psychiatrist and a therapist following my first hospitalization on such. I pay a small co-pay for my meds, and my psych services are free...I know my clinic at least has a sliding scale of payment which works with each patients' abilities.

I want to die...but I dont I am not sure anymore I am confused!

Well... after a couple PMs and phone conversations I am starting to feel better and come to my senses, I have been through a lot and knowing that I have and am still alive I should keep pressing forward...tommorow is a new day I do have a purpose my life is not meaningless and there are people that do need me, without me they would be lost forever and I need to realize that, I have accomplished so much regardless of the hardships stacked against me I have my own place my own car and in a way my own life back which has taken so many years to gain back as well as my independence and in an area where its difficult to do so alone due to the expensive cost of living and I have pulled it off and need to realize that! I am not perfect nor am I the best at things but I realize I have pulled off things what have been thought of as impossible...I need to keep on living...I need to show more of what I am capable of and not attack myself! I am not worthless I have purpose I have meaning I am me! And like the tiger from Madagascar 3 which I relate to alot I am willing to tackle my fears and go forward and move on I am somebody I am ASPIEOTAKU! Now without further ado *I know im kinda annoyoing with youtube videos but its my way of expressing myself* I present Firework song video! I am a firework and it is time to show them what I am worth! LIGHT THE HOOP ON FIRE!! !! ! BRING IT ON!! !! !!

That's fantastic to hear. That's the best mentality to have. Good luck! I support you.