ON THE BRINK

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Well tonight has brought me to the brink of my existence. I don't understand what's going on but my life just keeps getting worse with each passing day. I'm starting to not believe in anything anymore. It really feels like there is nothing I can do to make things better.

So here is my story.

I had problems growing up. My mother would hit me with a wooden spoon (Italian) and sometimes my dad would tell her to stop when she started to hit me in the face. I had anxiety issues starting when I was 6 because on the first day of kindergarten, I peed my pants on the bus and the driver yelled at me when I begged him if I could get off at someone's house to go. Anyway I had to keep going to the bathroom every 5 minutes and once I almost leaped out of a moving car because I had to go. My mother grew up in a abusive household in Italy. My grandfather was rough, and obviously times were different then. She seemed to take after him. My dad on the other hand...is a putz. All he knows what to do is buy porn on the TV. He doesn't know how to cook, clean, pay the bills. I love both of my parents but my mom is a psycho and my father is just an idiot.

With that said, I still did a ton of things as a kid. Pop Warner football, Tae-Know-Do, Bowling. My dad always cheered me on and things seemed well. My mom never liked me doing anything scary and made me quit football and Tae-Know-Do after a kid ruptured his spleen and a kid almost died in competition after his lungs collapsed from a kick in a sparring match, respectively.

So growing up I was babied. My mom did everything for me and my dad. Cooking, washing clothes, etc...I know how to do some of these things but on habit my mother does them because I'm busy and I work. Then when I try to do it, I always get questioned so I have to ask. Did I put it on the right setting so I don't ruin my work pants? Stuff like that. Or writing checks. Is this okay what I did? I get paranoid about everything.

Anyway school was a rough experience for me. My mother tried to make me friends with the popular/rich crowd when I was in elementary school as she was friends with many of the kids' parents or grandparents (predominant Italian community) and that never really worked. Then when middle school started and our 3 branches came together, I started to get picked on a lot. I made a couple of mistakes too but everyone had forgotten until my teachers jokingly brought it up in the year end awards. From then on my reputation was toast.

I became a ghost for the rest of middle school and talked only when spoken too. I wasn't bullied as much but when high school started it was probably my worst year ever. I still was dressed by my mom and that was all the preppy clothes. I figured let me try to fit-in and it didn't work. Because it wasn't me. I then finally said "Screw you and your clothes Mom," and I embraced my personality. I liked heavy music and dressed more like a skater. She hated it. I wasn't good enough for her. I was a disappointment. I remained a ghost in school. Picked on a little bit here and there, but it got a little better and by senior year it was maybe once or twice a day where I had a comment negatively affect me.

But because of my life up to that point, I was just on autopilot. I yearned for things like a girlfriend, to be well liked, and to go to the ball/prom with someone. But nothing ever happened. I remained in my shell and never wanted to leave, who could blame me though. No one ever tried to help. No one saw the good in me. I had some friends but not too much and some of them were picked on like I was.

College was fine outside of the fact that I could never close out the deal with a girl. Not even a friend, someone I could call up and hang out with, see a movie, etc... I made progress but a lot of bad luck always seemed to thwart me. Then I would have to hear: "Why aren't you normal." "Why don't you have a girlfriend like everyone else."

Those are things my mom says to me. My sister agrees and my dad is disappointed with me because he's a pervert. At family gatherings, everyone always has to jokingly ask: "So talking to your girlfriend." (When I'm on my phone) Then they say "Why not?" and I start to get frustrated and want to leave. Who can blame me? I mean everyone thinks I'm gay. No offense cause I don't have a problem with that but I'm not. I like girls but I'm in this shell that can't hatch. I try but get no help. Some of my friends have like the perfect scenario happen to them and they meet someone. I can't.

Anyway on top of that, when I didn't have a job I was getting yelled at constantly too. I went to college full-time and never was under a 3.7 GPA in any semester in 4 years. Still wasn't good enough for mom. Got a job at school just to help out a little while being full-time. Still not good enough. Took a state test, aced it, was 70th out of tens of thousands of testers and got a state job. STILL NOT SATISFIED!! !

NOTHING. I was yelled at with no job. I continue to get yelled at even when having a job. NO MATTER WHAT I DO IN MY LIFE I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. My mom has her high-class friends and their kids are successful and I am always compared to them. She does the same to my sister too. Always complains about how she dressed, etc...
I always get compared to this one kid who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Just because his father is one of the biggest builders in the area and he will one day take it over, he is BETTER THAN ME. He never did anything to earn it, his cousin was way more deserving (all graduated together) He smoked pot, drank and got arrested a couple time before he was 21. BUT HE'S BETTER.

Even some of my friends that are more successful, say with girls or as my mom likes to call it "personality," she likes them better even though a one of them failed many drug tests and has to work 80 hours a week to make ends meet. Still smokes tho but because he lives on his own in an apartment, he's better.

Onto my mom now. Every little thing is a problem with her. I'm sure if you read some of my posts, you will see some example of what I mean. Basically if I do anything "wrong" in her mind, it leads to a yelling match. One that often makes no f***** sense because it's always over stupid s***. All she does is go to the casino and escape from us. She lies so no one knows and she a nutcase when she talks about it. We joke around a little and she gets furious. Yet it's okay for her to make fun of the fact that I don't have a girlfriend.

Now when these arguments happen, I go berserk often yelling back, slamming doors, punching walls and breaking stuff. There just isn't a way to talk to her. She complains I can't talk to her in a reasonable fashion but all she does is yell and point out all my misfortunes. It's always my fault. Then when I say it isn't she follows up with "Oh it's mine then right." It's a given.

This is been going on for 23 years of my life. She told me she would rather "die than to see my face," or "you're gonna make me die before my time and then you will be happy." Not kidding word for f***** word. The last time this occurred was about a month ago. We were going to my aunt's mother's funeral (married to my mom's brother) I was a pallbearer and despite picking out my suit, since it happened on short notice, I was getting yelled at for not looking presentable. YES...YOU HEARD CORRECTLY. I DIDN'T LOOK PRESENTABLE. I looked just fine. Then it went from that to "I'm not normal." Then she threatened to call my uncle and say that he doesn't want to be a pallbearer to embarrass me and make me look like a big time jerk for my whole family. Then she hit me with that line. We went back and forth before my dad finally interjected and we left for the funeral home.

So on the way back after we went out to dinner, I brought up how that hurt my feelings and I tried to reason with her and SHE HAD THE F***** AUDACITY TO SAY SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT. Then when I said sure you didn't she that, I quoted her word for word and got my dad to agree with me and she says: "I didn't mean it that way."

UM HELLO...YOU SAID YOU WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN TO SEE MY FACE...WHAT OTHER F***** WAY CAN THAT BE PERCEIVED AS!! !

So that led us to tonight. After a few weeks of relative peace, it started when I came home from work today. We had a snowstorm so I wore these boots. She didn't like that and complained when I left in the morning and she started again when I came home. After a little of bickering, I was looking for tape and couldn't find it. Things are constantly and I MEAN CONSTANTLY moved in our house. My mother loses things sometimes. In fact she lost a bill the other day. But IF I LOSE SOMETHING, MISPLACE IT, or CAN'T FIND IT RIGHT AWAY, I have a "problem." So after saying it was right in front of my face, when in all reality it was in the next drawer than it was the day before and under a flashlight, she started. It kept escalating and escalating and then I left. I shut the door a little harder but I didn't slam it and a clock my mom got at the casino, ironically, about 6 years ago fell and shattered to pieces. I was unaware until I came back but just days before I accidentally elbowed it walking down the stairs and knocked it off but caught it. We recently remodeled our house and so a different hook was put up for the clock. My mom suggested it instead of keeping the one we have had...hmmmm we never had a problem before but she never listens to me because her opinion is superior. So when I came back she flipped out and said I don't respect her and all this bulls***. It was my fault. But you know what it wasn't. If you don't start s*** over something as STUPID AS A PAIR OF F***** BOOTS. IF YOU DON'T GET ME TICKED OFF FOR SOMETHING AS STUPID AS THAT, your casino clock is still on the wall.

So then I was threatened with getting kicked out. Now I'm saving up money to do that at some point, but after buying a new car a few months ago, I'm not quite ready yet. I sure as he11 am going to as soon as f***** possible because I'm done with this s***.

I don't know if I can ever bring myself to self-harm, but I'm starting to get bad thoughts. I'm really depressed about everything. I'm lonely and this is really the only place I can pour my heart out and get constructive feedback.

Someone tell me it's going to get better. Please I really need it.

I can see clearly what your problem is. You value yourself through other people, you just need to learn to let go. My mother is also a b***h and use shaming language to make me buy into the brainwashing of the world. But, I know that no matter what I do everything is meaningless in the end, thus, I will do whatever I want to do as it is my own meaningless life to waste. It is quite freeing to live like this. If I get sick with life I might kill myself or I might not, however, this is done with the illusion of free will I have. Thus, it is as correct as any other choice. So, for once live your life for you and not for anyone else.