I write this as a way of trying to manage my thoughts and I apologise if it offends or alarms as this is not my intention. I am hoping that writing this and putting it out there will in some way act as help in voicing things I cannot give adequate voice to with my nearest family.
By way of backstory I am a mental health nurse who was diagnosed with Aspergers in my thirties, I have worked in nursing for over twenty years (primarily with teenagers) driven by a desire to do something to make this world a little easier to bear for people.
Throughout that time I too have suffered from my own issues most notably a recurrent depression that rears its head from time to time. Recent weeks/months (it is frustrating to not be able to accurately map its progress but it is an insidious condition) are one of those times and I find myself asking the kind of questions of myself that happen at such times.
I am more than tired ... I am exhausted, wrung out, bled dry by life and its myriad of challenges but at the same time furious at myself for not managing, comparing my 'issues' with others (invariably to my own detriment). Anger at having to take time out from work when we are so needed and therefore adding more to the burden of colleagues who already are at breaking point. Feeling like a failure for wanting to give in to thoughts that I both fear and crave at the same time.
I have seen my doctor and been given meds which I know from experience help (after a while at least) but I cant accept anything else (she has tried to get me to talk to someone) as talking about how I am thinking (and I suppose feeling) just seems to reaffirm that I have gone as far as I can go in this journey.
I am my own worst enemy, this I know but I cannot seem to change the pattern I am locked in. My marriage is solid, I have a wonderful daughter, I am relatively solvent and my work is intellectually stimulating. For all these reasons I know I should be able to see hope but for now its obscured by the demons escaping the box.
Still I keep fighting it and looking for the dove that escapes from the box after all the demons are abroad and I guess this post is just one more way to come out swinging at the illness that blights my life at times and I am sure many others lives too.
So if you get this far, thanks for reading and also take heart 'professionals' struggle too with many of the same challenges you do (we are after all human (and some of us are Aspies)), look for the dove, that white bird of hope, for it is surely there even if its obscured at times and you never know maybe we'll both see it soon.
26 Jan 2015, 6:15 pm
