Zyprexa: Rather a mellow zombie or an agitated autie?

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I'm going nuts on this question. Apparently it's up to me to take my Zyprexa or not as I don't have a sane doctor right now who has any idea about my diagnosis and whatever (everyone is disagreeing with each other. looking forward to see a good doc in 1.5 month).
So I did my own "trial" and found this out:
1. Me on Zyprexa:
Positive: I'd actually eat and maybe drink. I might listen to people sometimes when they talk. I won't hyperfocus on stuff (I don't even consider this a good thing). The internal chatter is a bit reduced. I can fall asleep better.

negative: I won't do shoot. literally. I'm just walking around doing nothing. I can't hyperfocus. No motivation at all. I'm lying in bed throughout the day very often. Even on 30mg the internal chatter is still there.

2. Me Off Zyprexa:
Positive: I realized I actually DO have special interests. I'm smart in some selected fields. I can learn stuff very fast. I can hyperfocus for hours. I can actually think about my life and what I'm doing with my life. I can think about philosophy and spiritual questions on a very sophisticated level.

Negative: (might as well be withdrawal symptoms): I would think too much and too fast (makes me dizzy). I would need regeneration a lot. I wouldn't eat unless I'm told to do so or my stomach aches. I'd be agitated. I can't listen to people because my own thoughts would get in the way. (strange enough my sister told me I would be more social and she could talk to me better when I was OFF Zyprexa. go figure)

Basically, I'm more "nobody" on Zyprexa and more "autie" off zyprexa. Taking less zyprexa is not an option. It's like an On-Off effect that happens at 30mg.
Which one is more desirable? I mean I want to be myself. I don't want to drug myself to adjust to the needs of society. I mean I could take the zyprexa and sleep all the time and do a simple job but I like to think and have special interests and have an existing internal life and stuff. The alternative could be taking Zyprexa and holding a very VERY simple job and sleeping in my off time.... sounds like hell to me.
what do you think? anyone on antipsychotics here anyways?
cheerz
Omid

Hey omid.

Since Zyprexa isn't working well for you and you're unable to see the good dr. for another 1.5 months, then have you considered switching to another medication in the meantime? I think it would be best if you meet with your dr. and mention the issues with Zyprexa and ask him/her to recommend a different medication with a better side effects profile that will help you to function during the daytime. Just remember that medications are a trial and error process; they'll work for some people and be ineffective/worsen for others.

My current doc is full of shoot. He admits he has Never seen me psychotic but he wants to push me to take Haldol and Benperidol (the Most strong antipsychotics with the Most side effects) because he sais "yeah your past reports say you are schizophrenic" Yes. my past reporsts are written by idiots. and there is also a past report written by an autism expert which says I have Asperger's but he disregards that bcause I dont act like rainman.
I managed to make him prescribe me topamax recently and it's helping me very very much so I'm not quite without helpful medication. So basically I already did what you said. I got an alternative, topamax, and now I stopped Zyprexa.

I think my problem was that I didn't want to take responsibility/deal with for my own thoughts/feelings and tried to numb them with Zyprexa. Now I rather want to face them and solve them one by one. It's hard but so far it's working. I'm even able to sleep somewhat which is not so common with people in zyprexa withdrawal.

That's really what these drugs are designed to do, just knock you out and make you more "tolerable" for the outside world. It's your decision but personally I would choose not to take it, there has to be a better alternative.

Antipsychotics are truly amazing for me when my mind is going so fast and out of control I can't do anything about it.

I think it's a personal decision. You've got to weight the costs and benefits. I have been on very high dosages of antipsychotics but I don't take those high dosages the vast majority of the time because I can't deal with the side effects. It's up to you really.