I don't want to exist

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There is nothing I really care about. I do have interests and things I like, obviously, but those are just distractions. They don't make me feel any less inclined to shoot myself, if I was given the opportunity.

I don't even care about myself. Literally, I don't care about my body. If I did I probably wouldn't be cutting it up with razor blades.

I find myself needing to avoid people, and being more anxious around them because I'm afraid of what they might ask me. Things like what my future plans are, what I want to do with my life, etc. I don't like it because I have to lie. I can't tell them, "I don't really have any plans for my future, I'm just going through the motions. Always have been. What do I want to do with my life? End it. But that would take a lot of work for me to accomplish, and it would make some people sad, so I can't really do that unfortunately."

That's really the worst part. I don't feel I have a choice, I have to keep living. Because if I killed myself, that would make me a bad person. I don't want to cause anyone else to feel the same way I do.

If only I could just un-exist.

It's a difficult situation, being without choice for me was a part of the responsibilities that came with adulthood.
What do you do to take care of yourself physically? E.g. Exercise, diet, self care things?

Hey buddy,

I will KILL to have your singing voice!

You've got so much potential. Don't squander it!

You have smarts, too.

I didn't knew that you sing! Do you have any videos?
I, like Kraftiekortie, would love to have a voice nice enough to sing.
About your situation, try to be strong. It's sad, but there are moments in life where all we can do is hold on to the hope that our situation will get better, even without the smallest glimpse of a sight of where/when it will. No sure, no certain, no blind faith, just hope. And a lot of times it does get better.

There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse.
And they all live together in a little crooked house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmLihR5QNCQ
Caution: May contain scary images.

I thought I can help you with this.

None of the above. I get some exercise because it's necessary at work. Lifting pieces of wood, which aren't usually very heavy.

I eat ok I guess, I try to stay away from too much junk because it makes me feel sick. But that doesn't mean I eat stuff that's particularly good for me, nor do I have a well-balanced diet. I just eat whatever I feel like eating.

As far as anything else I don't really know. Basically I do the bare minimum that is still socially acceptable.

When I'm not at work I do basically nothing, or waste time and money watching internet videos, tv shows, and spending money on things I don't particularly need. It's probably not good that I've been approved for $1800 in credit already. I've already used half of it.

My thinking on this, is that on some level we all need someone to care for us, but when your on your own, you have to do that for yourself. Honestly I couldn't care less if I never ate anything healthy, or exercised or done anything self care related, I do it because I know it's what my health requires, it makes sense to me. Yeah there are days that I'm not bothered about any of it, but I make them the minority.
I guess it's trying to form healthy habits, I'm not checking out, but my body will age and the consequences of self imposed neglect will impact on my holistic wellbeing now and in later life.

Do you have a blender? Fresh fruit smoothies in the morning are a great energy boost, and a step towards a healthier diet. I don't know what will work for you, I know that for me, it was small achievable steps, continuously. If you miss a day here or there, no big deal, it doesn't have to be perfect, just moving forward/maintaining momentum.

I don't have any videos. I have recordings on my phone, but I made those for the purpose of playing them back to figure out what I sound like and improve. I'm a bit shy about it. I think my voice sounds immature. Not bad, I think I'm pretty good. I guess young would be a better word. My friend told me I'm pretty good but that from the way my voice actually sounds (to include my normal speaking voice) he'd guess I'm 16. Hopefully my voice matures a bit more.

Honestly, it's not even my current situation that I'm dissatisfied with. It's my entire existence. I haven't very much enjoyed it, ever. All the times I'd say I actually felt honestly happy turned out terribly, and only made me feel much, much worse in the end. So I don't want to hope for anything anymore, it just makes things worse.

This song used to help me a lot when I was more volatile when I was a bit younger, sounds like you're going through the same crisis sort of. It's about a kid like us who ended up shooting himself in front of his class after getting burnt out on life.

It begins and ends with the date, time, and weather and ends with the same thing, symbolizing how Jeremy's suicide means nothing in the greater picture. That living and succeeding is a much better revenge than suicide could ever be. That giving in is letting the bastards have their way and win. My advice, find a way to stir your inner strength and realize that your life and your body matter. You're just as important as the next guy. I don't know what can stir it for you, that is only something you can do. You have to care no matter how much hell you've been through.

On a financial note, get rid of your credit card debt that you owe immediately and destroy your credit card and get a debit card. Credit cards are bad and can only lead to financial ruin. The only loans you should entertain for now are school loans if you are going to school.

I see, but it's a little hard for me to completely understand how you feel.
I think that I would feel this way if I had "nothing to live for" (I mean no motivation for anything).
Are you sure that there are nothing that can make you feel motivated? Are you on school/university? If not, aren't you interested in putting your focus on a subject that interests to you? Are there any activities that you would like to do but for some reason aren't doing? If not, couldn't you try something new (like meet a new friend, starting a new hobie or search a new field of interest)?
I understand that after ending so many times on bad/sad situations it can be a little hard to risk something new, but at some time (if you want to overcome this bad phase) you will have to take those risks. Living "just to survive" without any particular reason to live for might not be good.

buddy, you and I are in the same boat. In fact, I was going to make a thread like this myself, and you beat me to the punch.

Life sucks, it's unfair. It's akin to the old greek myth of some guy in hades or whatever. He's tied to a rock, he is perpetually thirsty, and there is a stream of water running close by, but just a hair out of his grasp. The ultimate form of torture.

That's what life is akin to.

PM me if you want to talk.

Okay, I know I'm repeating this post, but I didn't do it correctly. Here is my official post:

There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse.
And they all live together in a little crooked house.

Caution: May contain scary images.


I thought I can help you with this. I do know how you feel about it. There were times when I thought about not being existed because of all the seemingly impossible hardships I always come across. But, you know what, stuff happens*. We go through life like that, so our best direction to move to is forward. I know it may sound cruel, but it's true.
*= I would like to say an off-color term for "stuff happens", but it might be inappropriate.

Yes, that's exactly right. I feel like I have nothing to live for, other than the few people who would be saddened by my death (mainly my mom and some of my brothers). Even the things I enjoy, when I think about them it seems like a waste of time. It's not that I'm not interested in these things, so I don't think finding something else would make a difference.

Sometimes I think if I had a really close friend or a girlfriend that I'd feel better. And I think I am right about that actually, because often times the reason I'm feeling so depressed is because I'm extremely lonely and I feel like there's nobody that needs me. But I've never had a girlfriend or even a close friend before, nobody I can really talk to. And now that I'm basically isolated from the world in my little apartment, it's even less likely.

Part of the problem is that even when I do make friends, there is just such a gap in understanding that I just feel uncomfortable around them, because if I tell them the truth about the things I think about, they'll just think I'm some freak who needs therapy.

I have this site, and I have at least one online friend I can talk to, but I guess it's just not the same as having someone to actually hang out with and talk to in person.

It's a sign of the times. You're not crazy, you don't need therapy. You're 19 years old, and life sucks! Time moves very slow, and there are not a lot of opportunities for a 19 year old male.

I didn't have a girlfriend either until I was 23, and I've even managed to f**k that up! A girlfriend will not make your life better. It will in some ways, but if you're depressed now, you'll be depressed with a girlfriend, and you'll drag the girl down with you, her family will hate you, and she'll eventually break up with you.

Depression seeps into every aspect of life, and will poison a close friendship or relationship, unless the other person is equally depressed. Find a young man who's just as depressed as you, and try to find happiness in escapism. That's honestly the only option for young men in today's society.

There is also www.wizchan.org, which is a somewhat ok community.

If you have a steam account, I'll add you, and we can play counterstrike or chivalry - the only two multiplayer games I have on steam, lol.

I think that a close person that you could hang out with might be REALLY helpful but if you don't care to talk to someone who is just a few countries away you can PM me (=
Do you have any gaming platform? Or PC? As Jkrane already suggested you are very welcome to try some games with me too if you want (this is me trying to initiate some kind of contact with someone I don't know yet. It is the only way I can do this, sorry haha).

I understand where you are going at, it is similar with me but I lack the depression. I have a hard time feeling at all. When I cry, I do not know why and I get angry for no certain reason. However life is like it is drifting, nothing stimilates me. I feel neutral about life. What drives me to stay is the drive to experience. Where life is going nowhere, things never really get old.