Seriously - There Really Is No Damn Point Any Longer!

Post Reply New Topic

Yeah. I am pretty much finished. My negative self will never be happy again. My life is as good as over now. Why? Well, the answer to that question should be quite obvious, really. So why bother lying to myself? I was just never meant to amount to anything. Hey, at least I tried. And that is all that matters.

I have not had an easy life at all since I left school, aged 16 in 2002. My life has been so much of a turmoil, that I cannot even picture a moment in time any more where I felt ordinary, let alone happy as a person.

I had a few jobs as part of a training course, then all I did was use forums on the Internet for years. That was a mixed bag, but mostly just a heartbreaking and pointless waste of my time. Then I met my ex-girlfriend, lost her, obsessed over her absence for years, had a SUPPORT WORKER pretend to know her and take the biscuit, and it was some mission trying to locate where she was, but I finally found her, just to get used for my money and made to look like a fool.

Hell, I never actually lost my virginity until I was 22 and that was in a sauna. I have never came close to getting another girlfriend in years and I have gave up making the effort since women do not want me. I just had one other girlfriend very briefly. I am just not attractive and I used to try to stay positive and say it would not always be this way, but not now. Now I have no other option but to admit my life is over.

In October of 2009, I had a panic attack that has messed up my fight-or-flight mechanism. Now I get anxiety that bad, it has made me agoraphobic. The physical symptons of my anxiety just will not go away, at all. Besides feeling depressed, all the classic signs of a panic disorder are present.

I absolutely CANNOT socialize at all. It is not that I am incapable of being a well liked guy, because I know there are positive things about my character. But I cannot stop the adrenaline rushes. All it takes is for me to get one rush and my anxiety takes hold immediately, causing me to want to "escape" from the situation before it worsens. That is why going to social events is guaranteed to trigger severe anxiety.

When I go to Tesco, I want to get out of there super quickly before I become anxious. I explained in a thread elsewhere how I feel and what happens. My whole body burns up. Then I find it hard to breathe. It happened in Gregg's the bakery one day, even though there was just one person in front of me buying a cup of coffee. All I was doing was buying a roll and I just felt weird because I was near a few people.

There is no threat. It is just strange. This sort of anxiety never affected me years ago, because I worked on a till serving customers. My anxiety is so chronic now that I cannot be around most people, at all. In fact, I cannot picture myself doing anything in groups again or as part of anything theatrical, or doing something where I am a focal point or spectacle. I am just not confident any longer and add to that, I have agoraphobia now.

If you forget my anxiety issues for a minute, look at what I have suffered through. No matter what people say or think, I got screwed by that support company. Well and truly.

Yes, so it is back to the old "poor me" crap, but do you want to know something? I do not care. I loved my support workers and I will never recover from this mess. Never! I feel so terribly hurt and betrayed. They will never be my support workers again let alone speak to me, and this nightmare is not even over yet. Even in the event I did get back to my flat (and it is not looking that way), it will not feel special to me now. How could I see any of those workers again after all this drama? The boss called Catherine was offering me a new team, but it is too painful to go on without Sara since she was special in my eyes. Now I have a record of being in prison and it is unfortunately all over her and another woman. That just will not go away in my mind. Will it?

God, I just wish all the evil people that EVER wronged me would just get to stepping and get out of my life for good, and go back to whatever sewage system they crawled out from. Just leave me the hell alone at long last and quit destroying my already poor standards of living.

I never did anything to deserve this treatment. I was always a friendly guy, and I went to see a medium once. She said I am kind and friendly, but people take advantage of that. Well, whether she spoke the actual truth as such, it is true in my eyes. That is all people ever did to me in my lifetime. When I tried to fit in, or acted odd just once, or fell into the trap of what clearly could be a classic case of being misunderstood, it just caused one disaster after another, all because I fell out with people and could not let go. That makes me socially-inept.

I made a friend. Then I lost that friend. Then rather than just move on, I pushed the business. Losing your one major friend can be devastating. As I found out the hard way. It takes a lot of courage to hang in with people, tell people your business, get them to know your traits and all that, just to get taken for a mug and abandoned. Because that is precisely how I feel.

Just think; Sara and I were together one day, baking a cake. We had a good laugh. Before I knew it, she was gone. Then everybody lied. My spirit feels crushed. Where did it all go sour? I just feel, I do not know. But know that I feel bad on all accounts.

When I met Sara, she was a nice person. Believe me. You could not have found a nicer Hispanic mentor figure if you tried. Sara was that and more. Say what you will about what I did and where we have ended up, but I genuinely admired her as a person. But not now. Oh, no. Now I just feel so awful and I resent her, because although I am generally a forgiving person, I know my life will never be the same because of the lying the company did, and I am sure she was heavily involved in the outcome.

I have had a hard time pretending this is not bothering me. Well, it is bothering me. And if those sickos in the courtroom want to lock me up again next week, then so be it. But I am done caring now. Since I will never make friends or regain my confidence, all I can do is be alone, a shell of a man, and just hope I never remotely get unlucky again.

Peter, you're only 28 years old...a young man.

I understand you feel like all is hopeless....but it isn't hopeless.

I don't know if you've to university...but I do know the Scottish educational system is good.

You're into acting, apparently. Use that ability in the future when you need it....for you will need it at times.

Just keep in touch with us as you climb out of your depression. I'll try to help the best I can. Other people who are more experience will be there, too.

Just DON'T GET INVOLVED IN DRUGS.

I've been to Edinburgh once. I could gave used your expertise.

Yes, I am still young and I have my whole life ahead of me. But I am nearing 30 now and nothing is getting any better. The doctors want to turn me into a pill junkie to make me get over losing my support workers. And it is no secret when I say that I needed my support. I cherished my support. They were all I had. Now the help I had - it is gone. It is possible to revive it if I chose to, just without you know who there again, I feel I could never do it. Something just would not feel right. Not after everything that has happened and seems to keep on happening.

They could have spoken to me about the issues with the two women when they first happened, whatever the main issue was. They chose to betray me instead of respecting my feelings. That can never be forgiven, especially after what it eventually resulted in. The seniors have a history of lying to me and it could happen again with somebody else so I will not take the risk. Thus, I will never trust them again.

It is true. I heavily relied on them to help me and I originally went to them for my diagnosis back in 2007. Why do you think having that flat in the supported accommodation was ideal and good for me, and others like me? They were told things by me due to my open nature. It got to a point where I got so open with many of the workers there, I felt I could warm to them and say just about anything that was on my mind, even if they were not my true friends. But what a fool I was for thinking I could ever be a normal guy.

That is why I feel so awful. I feel so alone. It is hard for me to trust anyone now. Sara was a great support worker, but it is all distant memories now. So you are right. I feel hopeless inside.

You're feeling acute pain right now. I've been through this sort of thing myself...and it's not pleasant. What sort of place are you spending your nights?

I understand your feelings about drugs....I don't believe in medications myself, unless they're absolutely necessary.

I know you feel betrayed because you confided in those workers. I guess I would, too.

But you really have to try to move on from this.

I actually felt ashamed of myself for saying to Joanna and Sara that I was going to make a pornographic movie with a model from a glamour company based in England, since that would offend just about anybody. Now on the other hand, I felt kind of betrayed and to a degree, I do not blame myself for feeling upset. But also on the other hand, a guy can be angry and express his anger in better, more mature ways, than how I did it.

Sure, I guess figuratively speaking, they were / are scared of me due to how I behaved in the past. If one feels scared or uncomfortable with a person, they do have a right not to work with that person again or call up the pigs the minute they see they are contacting them again when the court may have told that person not to (for any reason) contact them and they are produced orders not to hesitate should it become a stalking matter. But I should not have shared that filthy stuff with them, especially after talking about how great they were after I lost them. It just made me seem contradictive and anyone who contradicts oneself is a fool, better suited as a laughing stock.

What about the model? This was some 'too good to be true' fantasy I had ages ago, which had no bearing on them to start off with. After we fell out, I boasted to them about it on Facebook while being rather rude. Then the police arrested me and I ended up in jail last July. That agent for the model was paid a deposit. Really crazy, as now it does not look financially or morally good for me and while I would have enjoyed myself in the right frame of mind, I rushed into things too quickly. And I counted my chickens too soon. It would be hard to get a refund.

If you ignore that nonsense too, just reflect back to how the company let me down and how I could be affected for the rest of my life over their lies. There are certain things that just haunt you forever and it could be that I messed up and this is what I deserve. And I am sure a lot of people on the boards believe I made my bed.

Even if you made your bed, you don't have to sleep in it forever.

True. Forever is a long sleep. Phew!

You could evolve from where you are now, to where you will be, if you work at it.

I am actually 29 now. When I went to my profile page, I saw it had my correct age, but on the threads I have posted in, it comes up saying I am 28. But oh well.

As for where I sleep - I am still with my parents. Hopefully, I can go back to my flat real soon, but that is a big "if" in my view.

I have to get up early tomorrow. So I'm going to sleep.

Take it easy, and get some rest.

Not many people on WP have had an easy life, so try to keep perspective, and many had it tougher than you. You need good professional help, and it's time to stop doing everything the way you have been doing them and with guidance start over. Stop looking back and going over the past over and over - that won't help either. Start doing what works. You have been trapped in self-defeating behaviour up until now and it's time for a change - or the future is going to be a bleak one for you Peter. You will not achieve change by yourself as your thinking appears to be stuck in self-defeating cycles. Ask the Court for help, ask your doctor for help, you need a very experienced psychologist (male) or psychiatrist (male). Get well. It could change your life.

You have been offered support here and made no progress, so now it's time for a professional to help you sort out what your issues are and how to resolve them.

The win-win way of thinking needs to return. True. But I am not sure how I am going to get them out of my head, or act like they do not exist, etc. The feelings are of friendship, guilt, redemption, etc, in equal measures. But that will not be happening (the fire we shared has gone out). Now it is just a matter of drawing a big line under it all and moving forward.

You are right. The more I dwell on the past bad stuff, the more it gets me going crazy wanting to "correct" my flawed history. And I bet many men would be shocked at my level of chasing if they were aware of it. Chasing ex-partners and caregivers seems the sort of thing that gets you a stay in an asylum.

Yes you are still young, and that has its benefits. As for Tesco, getting out of there as soon as possible is the reaction of sane person! In seriousness though, i had panic attacks for 6 months, many a day and worse at night. As you will know fear of fear is pretty terrifying! I read a book with a crappy title, 'Self Help For your Nerves' its by Dr Claire Weeks. Its still available on Amazon. Six months of panic attacks plays havoc with your flight or fight response, and i am not saying i am all better with no worries now, but after reading it i never had a panic attack again and i don't fear them, which is key. I expect i shall always have some anxiety issues, as will you, but if you do still have concerns of panic, then read the book.

Well, my solicitor still keeps on saying I cannot go back to the flat again. So two things will happen next. Either I try to convince the court to let me go back, or I just get help to go elsewhere to live, never getting to make amends with anybody because it's come too far for that.

Do you know what? I'm beat now. On all accounts. I actually admit it. I'm done. Why bother?