Oppressive darkness

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Im dangerously depressed, this has been building up for the last decade and im at the point where im just about ready to throw down and check out. Im racked with anxiety for most of the day because I live in what you could call quarantine. Im totally alienated from everyone even my own family. My parents are both seriously ill and the pain and despair of that alone is enough to force me to stay away from home unless im really needed. Just seeing my parents is enough to send me spiralling out of control.

The scale of this is just overwhelming. Im surrounded by hostility on every single side and all that negative energy is like a physical live force. I cant make friends I cant sustain relationships, and the exhaustion (total soul draining exhaustion) makes everything so much worse.

The sheer amount of negative energy im exposed to is such that my inner world is filled with it. I cant escape it and its oppressive. I dont have that " At least I have x... theyre on my side".

The only thing that offers some consolation is the thought that I can exit whenever I want. There are only2things in my life over which I have control. 1 is my studies and the other is my own life. The darkness is too thick and invasive for me to lose myself in my work anymore

I'm sorry you're feeling hopeless.

I wish I could offer a solution. It would be better if I knew you personally.

All I could advise is for you to immerse yourself in your studies, and become as proficient in your subject as possible.

Are you taking any medications?

I think we "spoke" once before a few months ago (maybe 6 months ago)

Was it about school?

It's awful to suffer like that. Are you still able to get out and do your classes?

The only way I can survive is to detach myself from people totally which is a big source of the alienation.I repress quite a bit unfortunately which has resulted in psychosomatic anxiety. Possibly the worst thing is the exhaustion. I could manage the loneliness just fine if it werent for the fatigue. Im undergoing this massive transition into adulthood and im not ready and I feel as if im going to need to graft and slave in order to succeed. The prospect is frightening.

It sounds like you need a bit of a break. Maybe you're going through some kind of "burnout."

I wish I could give you better advice--but it's hard when you're transitioning to being an adult. It's hard for everybody, even NT's.

The only thing I could give you is a pat on the back. Or maybe a guy-hug, if you need that.

Ectryon, if I remember correctly you were pushing yourself socially and academically when you were posting here more frequently, perhaps that has impacted on your well-being? It seems like you are isolated now with regard to support, can you avail of medical advice?

Yeah I guess this is probably burnout but im also worried about the fact that I have no idea how to date and im 24. I realise that if things continue like this I may never develop the skills I need to sustain a relationship.

My disability advisor also hates my guts, not really sure why. I think she thinks that im faking being OCD/on the spectrum. That's horrible beyond words and there's nothing I can do at all about it.

I think the worst about people and in turn they think the worst about me. I dont know if im just receiving the same vibes I give off.

On the other hand I could just be projecting the difficulty I had with my parents understanding my condition onto this situation. It just fills me with despair to think that I cant express to people who I really am and instead they have this twisted perception of me.

Do your symptoms fit the criteria for CFS/ME? There are some support groups that may help, even if just by letting you know you're not the only one dealing with such heavy fatigue:

http://cfsknowledgecenter.com

http://www.ncf-net.org

I dont fit the symptoms for CFS but my exhaustion is debilitating. I cant hold down a job and ive worked 40 hour weeks with no problems in the past. It might have something to do with venlafaxine which is a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor

To answer the previous questions also, my attendance has been pretty bad. Im switching to sertraline at the moment so that might improve things