I'm going to be candid about this.

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I'm a little pissed off, a tiny bit confused, equal parts frustrated and disappointed and overall hurt.
But, that's kind of the usual when I try to engage with pretty much anyone outside of my tight little circle beyond superficial things. And that's what Laz learned a couple years ago.
I can't make any new friends even when the opportunity presents itself at this point because it is really super painful and exhausting and I see relationships as long term committed endeavors- if I am pissed off at you today or you are pissed off at me today that does not indicate that we have gone 'supernova' and therefore our relationship implodes. It just means that one of us is not a happy camper.

But so few people have a long view of things. They don't see a person's character in consistent and long term typical behaviors. I don't understand this. And after my last roommate just flipped her ever-loving sh*t on me, I've decided I simply can't go through this whole "friend" thing anymore.

My newest friend at this point I've known for like 7 or eight years and the majority of them are on the spectrum.

I come online because I want to try to socialize despite this- I also don't go out of the house all that much any more. When I was thirty, about two years ago, I did some dating via OKCupid for a while and it was interesting, fun in the way that things you have never done before and never will again are fun. But it was overwhelming and if I had the chance I'd never do it again.

I discuss things in my life that seem to be contradictory to the idea that I am socially inept or awkward or scared odf people or that being autistic affects my functioning. A lot of the time people tend to take a couple things I say as evidence that I some how have it "easier" and i could not possibly relate to any one else who is on the spectrum.

FALSE.
And really- this idea that I have developed thes tools and tricks somehow is a reason to reject the notion that things are still difficult or that I am still effected is really cruel and simple-minded.

I actually run into this a lot, and I'm hurt by it.
I manage to "get by" not because it is an inherent talent. I 'get by' because I have put a lot of effort into it for years and years and years and because I thought I had a chance to accomplish certain goals in life. Those goals were the driving force behind developing these tricks that I can string together.

When i am under greater stress, those tools and coping skills are more difficult to use. I mean right now I don't even consider myself "fit for public consumption" [and I kind of say that with a grin, but it's to hide the fact that I'm upset about everything all the time].

I no longer have those goals that drove me because my health is at such a low point that they are no longer realistic. I feel constantly alienated because I am- both from general public in a physical way, but also in a social way when I manage to actually get out of the house. When I try to talk to other people on the spectrum who I have not known for years and years and try to share things that have helped me in the past or be positive about myself [even though I am ANYTHING but positive generally right now and really fight against that] I am often rejected or alienated to some degree because I am viewed as "not autistic enough"... though it's never described that explicitly.

So I am rejected everywhere, though I share many of the same difficulties I am often held to this weird standard and told that somehow, I am saying things that aren't possible for other people I am trying to relate to. Even though i absolutely do relate. It really hurts, and I'm really sad, and I don't know what to do about it.

The challenges that affect me that are what has ultimately led me to be diagnosed with autism [more than once] surface and manifest in various ways- communication, perspective, processing. How I understand people and how I have to work to have them understand me. Just lately, it is literally affecting how I get medical care. I am percieved as "high functioning" so it is hard to get advocacy services but I desperately need them because it is very difficult for me to communicate somatic symptoms and I have to concentrate to give physical feedback. This can sometimes be interpreted as malingering. half of my doctors [NOW] are great and understand very very well. half of them literally just don't listen to what I say.

So, I mean... this all sucks.
I have worked for forEVER to just deal with what i already knew was a stacked deck. I need to be able to talk to people who understand some things but in sharing my actual lived experience- i am not invalidating that experiences are different for everyone, but i feel like if I share that hey yeah at one point I traveled to africa? For a lot of people that disqualifies me as being on the spectrum and I am undeserving of being here or of being included in discussions or support geared toward those on the spectrum. I struggle with frustration tolerance in an incredible way and it's getting so bad lately. I don't have many people to talk to about it because a lot of the people I could talk to either have more productive lives so they have outlets or they are more alexithymic, so it's not as much of an issue [is the going theory]. I can't talk to my roommate about being so upset I am scared my cells are going to explode and I'll die and not knowing what to do about it.

I can't have a tantrum as a 32 yearold to the point where I pass out.

I don't know what to do.

I think you're doing okay--at least on this Site. You have a certain "piquancy."

I wish there were easy answers. I wish they could find out "what's wrong" with you, so you could try to deal with it.

I know you probably weren't seeking "advice" per se.

But I believe you desired at least some response.

I know that feeling. That feeling blows. I tend to bury that feeling in housework and kids.

It is not terribly effective-- but the spouse and the children have learned to tread very softly when the house is super-neat. So I guess that's something.

I do not make new friends either. My most recent friendship is about 7 years old. I am also not comfortable with making any more. People in their 30s and 40s are almost as selfish, self-absorbed, judgmental, and unkind as middle school kids.

I get it about the tricks too. They camouflage a lot, and we are fortunate to be able to do them, but they cost a great deal. When you've got twenty-five "spoons" to get through the day and "running NT" costs seven, it's a costly but worthwhile program. When you've got ten "spoons" to get through the day, however, you have a very unpleasant choice to make.

It hurts, it sucks, and I don't have any solutions.

You are not alone, if it makes any difference at all.

Keep talking about it...or typing about it.

I kind of struggle with feeling too high-functioning because I have accomplished a few things and don't struggle as much as I used to socially. I try to talk to people about my struggles but nobody in real life understands, because I "pass" for normal. There are other high-functioning people with AS. You'll encounter them as you keep coming to wrongplanet. We might not be able to help you with the practical problems like medical advocacy but we can reassure you that you are not alone.