I should just put a bullet in my head.

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Alright dramatic title, I do not have a firearem, thus have no ability to actually put said bullet in my head. But seriously what the f*** is the point. Went to a concert I was dying to see, wouldn't miss it for the world...but now I just want to kill myself. So things got good after a while I was socially anxious so nervous about talking to people. But then the band came on and I was rocking out enjoying it, then I realized I dropped the bag I had just got with the band logo..so found the bag but was missing cigarettes and a sweater I have really grown to like...and management was acting kinda bitchy when I mentioned I lost those things and wanted them to check and see if it got turned in...it hadent but they where being real a**holes about it. So i went outside to wait for my mom to come get me because we agreed she would come and get me after....but I flipped off the people in the venue cause they where being jerks about me losing my stuff...and they threatened to call cops but my mom came before that. If I go back there I should probably look very different lol, but they really pissed me off.

Then my mom came and picked me up and I ranted to her about how I was always afraid to really make friends or invite them over because I thought she would get mad...and whole way she was yeling about how can I accuse her of those things and such but it's true...she was always over protective and so it made me afraid to really make friends or invite them over..I dont know why I had to bring it up, but I was pissed about the concert...by far the worst concert I've ever gone to...and one of my favorite bands. I mean it was so bad I really wish I did have a gun with wich to end my life, I was such a stupid idiot I dropped my bag with a pack of smokes got the bag but smokes where gone...and went raving at the venue, flipping them off and such and kinda made an ass of myself....I never want to go out again, but I get bored as helll staying in here so dont know if I can keeo going, I mean if even concerts of favortite bands turn to s**t what the hell is there to live for? f**k it I dont know and the therapy I go to i want to give u[p on what the f*** is the bloody point...Try to convince myself there is hopr buy there isn]t cra[/

f**k this all, what the f**k was I ever thinking anything enjoyable would happen,

Are you really upset over it or will you get over it by tomorrow, buying a new pack of smokes and a new sweater? I mean.. that's social anxiety. You're around a lot of people, you're forced to talk to strangers and ask them questions and you get a negative response. Hell, I'd respond the same way, I'd go home and panic and hate myself.. I guess it's natural to feel that way with social anxiety. Don't feel too bad.

As far as your mom goes, eh, I think you're around the same age as me.. I've learned it's better to just cherish the fact that I have a good, close relationship with my mom despite her complete and utter lack of an understanding to asperger's and autism as a whole. I can nitpick her shortcomings due to her non understanding or blame myself, it doesn't matter because it doesn't affect the present. Hope that helps.

I know how you feel. You just want to BELONG.

Even though you always get on my case, I think you're cool! Just continue with your turntables and such!

Anyway...you have such a hard head that the head would win the battle between it and the bullet!

Mixing bar bands and autism has a bad effect on me too and I no longer frequent such venues. It's a bummer really when you just want to share fun with others. Kinda epitomizes the whole not belonging thing. I'm sick of it myself.

Just try not to do this bit next time and it will be better.
The world is full of jerks and you can't fix that by fighting with them. Hope you are feeling better today.

It sounds like your being to hard on yourself bro.

I have tried to find other reasons to blame to try and justify the root cause of why it seemed every time I tried socialising I felt that little bit emptier.

I've just come to the conclusion that if I attempt things like you said, to go to a concert, whichever, expect the worst. Lol

Now you know that you could potentially loose or have your items stolen. I would be careful about what you take next time. Maybe put your cigarettes in your pocket next time and wrap the jumper round your waist, otherwise don't take them, same applies with mobile, take a cheap one instead, and enough money to see the night through but not to much that you could potentially loose. Take things that you could be prepared to lose if that makes sense.

But I know the feeling of loosing something buddy. Been there done that, lost the t-shirt.
It's gone now pal so you have to try and let go

Your mum might let a friend around the house if she trusts them.

But even I have learned my lesson from house party's, again it's what your prepared to loose, things get broken.

To be entirely honest I've experienced the very same impulse lately, the only difference with me is that I've been studying so much that it prevents any & all of my emotions from becoming this intense. I think the impetus was losing some material possessions but the catalyst for such ugly fantasies is usually boredom. I find myself surrounded by stuff but all I really care about at all is people & our knowledge.

Find a way to stay busy my friend.

It sucks when something you're looking forward to ends up turning into a horrible, nightmarish disappointment. It can take ages to feel better.

I find it sometimes helps to try to think of stuff that has gone well in the past -- even if it doesn't cheer me up or make me feel better at all, it at least reminds me that not everything will end up being terrible and sometimes I think this helps to keep my unhappiness from branching out too far from its original source.

Well I am kind of over it....lol and I don't even know that the venue actually threatened to call cops, I think they just said they would have to if I didn't leave since it was leaving time, but I feel the way I typed it in first post makes it sound like I was acting so bad they specifically threatned to call the cops on me for that...it was more 'your drunk, go home...otherwise what has to be done has to be done, they didn't even 'ban' me from the venue...nonetheless if I see a show there again I will likely dress very different to avoid being recognized...not sure if I want to go back there though not good vibes and not sure if it was just that night or not

Turns out I also did not lose sweater, can probably get another pack of smokes..........also alcohol is a terrible substance. I should have listened to the vibes and sold someone my ticket and went home...initially the concert had a bad vibe but I thought maybe it was just frusteration at the very cold weather wearing off...but instead I figured 'I'll just get drunk and it'll be fine'....terrible, terrible, terrible idea. Seriously though I am going to talk to my therapist about this alcohol thing....as some here know, this hardly was my first time of having a sh*tty drunken night. I don't know if I maybe am alcoholic, if its PTSD self harm tendencies that give me the urge to over-do it, or that my native american blood makes alcohol nastier to me than a full white person or a combination...but I cannot keep having these incidents for one it makes me feel like sh*t and experience heavy suicidal ideation, but there is my physical health and also I cannot expect people to tolerate me making an ass of myself indefinitely...so best be addressing this.

Ha ha ha, yeah...seems there is a good chance of that, then I'd just be left with insufferable brain damage.

You had an overload of multiple episodes of frustration and disappointment within a short space of time. I had one of these the other day, - a day of it - and they suck!

Yeah I know I was being immature, and being intoxicated didn't help....but yeah there where bad vibes all around initially before the show even started, I need to make a very firm note in my head that reads 'NEVER drink when the vibes are bad!...and in fact don't even stick around get out of the damn place ASAP'


Just sucks that it was one of my favorite bands...and I had been excited to see them since last month...good thing I didn't purchase a vinyl record, probably would have lost it. Hell not that it matters now but for all I know someone could have taken the bag off my person and went through it so I cannot even be sure I actually did drop it.

Yeah I think I had a meltdown of sorts last night...

but yeah I was mad at my mom earlier today because I called to apologize since I was being grumpy at her the whole way home and she mentioned that I was drunk also for the ride home so I got all pissed off thinking she was saying she thinks it was the alcohol alone that caused the entire thing and ignoring I was legitimately upset...so felt like she was telling me it was all my fault the night went to crap. But we've talked and its clear she was more just saying the alcohol certainly did not help matters...but she doesn't think its my fault the night got so crappy...and even with the alcohol I guess she's just more concerned I might have a problem with it which just complicates the other issues I have...so it worries her. But I was taking it to be that she's just judging and blaming all my problems on alcohol which wasn't the case.

nonetheless this would probably be a good thing to bring up in therapy....but strange thing is I tend to manage just fine with most other recreational drug, I don't get belligerent or make an a** of myself if I take some MDMA for instance...or I find cocaine very calming(have indulged a couple times) then again I also don't do such things in excess like with the drinking.

I've been to thousands of concerts and they weren't all good. Sometimes the venue stinks, sometimes something happens with the company you keep and sometimes you lose something of value and get no sympathy from the venue management. But the reason you go to live entertainment is for that one magical moment when everything clicks into place and the band plays out of their minds. You live for that moment, not those unpleasant moments when expectations weren't meet.