Now she hates me! Everyone hates me!

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I always screw everything up! This girl, it seemed like she liked me. Now it seems to me that she hates me!
I really like her! I never wanted to upset her! I feel like she wants to avoid me and ignore me now.

I can't even get along with other people with Autism!
I guess Autism, for me, means I will be alone for the rest of my life!
I'm not even compatible with any other people with Autism. It's not fair!

I keep making the same mistakes over, and over, and over, and over, and I can't prevent myself from repeating the same mistakes, no matter how hard I study what I did wrong, telling myself I won't do it again, it happens again, and again, and again, and again, endlessly. This exact same thing happens over and over and over and over, with EVERYONE I meet!

I'm just trying to be honest with everyone! Trying to get to know each other! You call me negative. I'm not always negative! What do you want me to do? Lie to you? I can't do that! I'm going to be real with you! If I lie to you, I will not be able to stand myself! But guess what?! COOL STORY BRO! TELL ME IT AGAIN!

At first, it's like they freaking think I'm great! Like we'll be great friends! I get overjoyed! Something gets messed up, and everyone avoids me! This happens every time! They will even cut me down and belittle and demoralize me!

Don't ****ing call me EMO! I can't help it that you think I'm Emo! I am NOT emo! I am NOT FAKE! I hate hate hate hate HATE when people falsely accuse me! Of ANYTHING! Emo is a major PTSD trigger word for me, 8 years ago, I was cyber bullied so bad that people that were witnessing the cyber bullying were saying that they had never SEEN anyone in their LIVES get cyber bullied as hard as I got. It was during the first couple of weeks I EVER went online to talk with people in forums.

All I was trying to do was be HUMOROUS about a bad thing that happened to ME! I thought people would get a kick out of it! My girlfriend at the time left me, and it was horrible, but she stole some of my stuff, she stole a video game book that I liked, and... for some ODD reason, I don't know why, I thought this was pretty funny that she stole THAT from me. I thought people would get a kick out of it! NOPE. They treated me with TAR and FEATHERS and threw STONES at me (in the form of words) and they called me all kinds of names, threatened me and told me I should kill myself, and that they wanted horrible things to happen to me! They called me Emo, like I was just trying to LEECH them! They were leeching me! THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE NEGATIVE, NOT ME! I'M NOT HURTING ANYBODY! I WAS TRYING TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT IT! I am not a liar! I was traumatized! I am still traumatized about it! I have PTSD about it! And, that's not the only PTSD I have! (although, all of my PTSD is based on problems with people)

I come here for help, and some of the people here condescend me, patronize me, tell me to do obvious **** I already know about that I'm already doing and have been doing for most of my life! Some of it I am unable to do! No matter HOW HARD I TRY, I will not succeed. What do you expect of me?! I guess that's what they meant by some Aspies being arrogant and insensitive, huh?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, or at least I have symptoms of it. I don't like to take risks, so I don't have all of the symptoms. But the other symptoms fit perfectly, but really it's only the extreme sensitivity to criticism and praise that fits me. So, when a person even gives me a light slap on the wrist, I go into TOTAL HATRED MODE!
I start hating you SO badly, that I will hope you feel EXACTLY what I feel when you triggered that feeling in me.

But, if you sincerely apologize, and say something nice to me, I will put you on a pedestal, and I will practically love you, even right after you stepped on my toes, immediately. But, it has to be sincere, if I even suspect you are just trying to calm me down to shut me up, or get me off your back or whatever, I will not forgive. Not until I know for sure that you are sincere.

What's worse is, I can't tell if a person is being sarcastic. Someone might say, for example, "nice clothes", or "nice hair", and I will always wonder if they were being sarcastic, and with the hardships of my past right on the desktop of my mind, I will always assume them were being sarcastic, making fun of me.

I gets even worse than that too. Sometimes, I think people might be 'trying' to be nice to me, just to shut me up, calm me down, and quietly get away from me and avoid me because they think I'm just trying to get a kick out of bringing people down and making people pity me, accusing me of being emo! THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO! #%&! I'm trying to get to know each other! You want me to lie to you?! You want me to hide the truth?! You're crazy if that's what you want!

Another example, if I tell someone something, or ask them something, sometimes all they say in return is "okay", or "oh" or "I see" and I will assume they mean "okay" in a sarcastic way like "okay then weirdo!" or "oh" as in "oh, you are lame and boring" and "I see" as in "I see, you are a disappointing and boring person and I regret talking with you". I see it all as harmful malicious sarcasm! Even if maybe it is not! It's really confusing! I always assume the worst under these circumstances.

Yeah, you can call me paranoid, I really am, I have severe paranoia. I'm detoxing from this soul sucking evil monster pill that causes Tardive Psychosis as you try to get it out of your body, long after your very last dosage. My last dosage was six weeks ago. I'm expecting the withdrawals to last for a few months. I've seen other people's stories of this pill made in hell, and I've seen people much worse off then me coming off of it, for some people it takes half a year, for some people a quarter of a year (please let it be a quarter of a year and not half a year). For the past month, I've been getting speculative delusional thoughts that my dad, who was and is my only real friend for my entire life, is out to poison me, kidnap me, torture me, and kill me for ritual sacrifice and sadistic pleasure. One of my cats died a month ago. I had a paranoid idea in my head that he did it for ritual sacrifice and sadistic pleasure. It was raccoons. But, luckily, I was able to reason with myself, and tell myself that these are all illusions and speculations. It was not easy to reason with my mind, but it worked very well.

Going off of this evil legal drug also causes me to feel like I have hypomanic bipolar disorder (no superhuman manic high, just sometimes feel calm, confident, assertive, and creative). I am theorizing that my moods are being triggered in a Borderline Personality Disorder kind of way though. Events that transpire cause my mood to change rapidly. My stomach hurts a lot everyday, for most of the day, I can barely eat anything, I feel nauseous, especially when there is a smell of any kind of food. I eat very slowly, and can barely eat twice a day. I'm already a little underweight, and continuing to lose weight.

I don't care about these symptoms, I am never taking these ****ing made in hell pills ever again! It's much worse being on them! You lose interest in everything in life. You can't do anything at all with your life but lay in bed and stare at the ceiling! That is what I did for years! Who the hell wouldn't want to kill themselves if they thought that that would be the rest of their lives?! Staring at the ceiling until you are old and die! All you want to do is escape! That escape being quitting the pills, or death. For a long time I didn't know it was the pills making me want to die. I almost killed myself after years of planning, but something got in the way of my plan, and I was unable to perform the suicide. Shortly after that, I decided not to kill myself. Just, get off the pills. And as I lowered my doses, I felt better, and better, and better. It was like I had never felt that good in my entire life. I didn't want to die anymore. I was never bored, and I was interested in things that I used to enjoy. It was like I died and went to a sort of heaven. There were still problems, but they never made me want to die during this time. I wanted to live. I still do, but negative circumstances are VERY HEAVY as of this past couple weeks, but it is on and off, and it is ALL IN MY MIND. I am having suicidal thoughts, but I will not act on them or plan them out.

Please do not tell me anything condescending or patronizing.
Do not state the obvious, that I need professional help or similar things, I am not new at all to any of this.
Do not denigrate me!
Do not belittle me!
Do not minimize me or underestimate me!
Do not demoralize me!


I don't even know what to expect in the form of replies to this topic!
Why am I doing this, you might ask?
I am deeply distressed, so much so that I could barely sleep last night... AGAIN.

I hope you do get sleep tonight.

Of course, nobody wants to be denigrated.

I wish I could just come over there and calm you down.

I wish you could just sleep this off, and wake up tomorrow.

Sometimes, what may be a "mistake" to another person may be a "truth" to you.

This is actually great song material (Yes, people exploit their own emotions all the time!)

We all go through the stuff you're going through (Yes, this is obvious!! !!--but true!! !! !! !! !! !!)

I've had to learn how to handle what you're feeling, because I've felt pretty much the same at times in my life.

You have to learn how to handle it, too.

kraftiekorte

Thank you, that is supportive of you to say these things.

I really hope I can learn to handle all these tribulations.
I've been trying to teach myself to accept this painful reality, to appreciate hardships, but it's really hard to.
It's not about learning to reject suffering, it's about learning to accept it when it happens.
It's always good to try to avoid suffering though, of course. I mean, if you can't handle it.
Some people in other countries pray to God for hardships, to improve themselves.

If only my performance anxiety wasn't so bad, I could make some good lyrics, lol.
Maybe. Sometimes I suck at music, but that's probably because of my performance anxiety.

I'm glad you have an excellent take on this. You have insight. I think you will get through this, and continue to soldier through life.

I can see that you're not a "give-up" artist.

I wonder if picking up a good book, or doing some Internet research on something you're REALLY interested in might help you tonight.

kraftiekortie

LOL "Give-Up" Artist, that's a good one!

Yeah, I'm probably just gonna do the stuff I like to do, and as long as I'm doing that, and doing everything I need to do to survive, I'll feel alright.

You have a lot of self awareness. That's actually going to help you a lot in the long run. Most people with the traits you described are clueless on how they handle criticism or their self-esteem.

Also: be more careful on the Internet. There are idiots who don't have lives. That's why they bully you. At least the "tar and feathers" are cyber. The solution: don't rely on social media for your social needs. Make REAL friends. Don't pour your heart to people when you first meet them. Don't do favors unless there's reciprocity. I'm no cynic....but "users" don't appreciate you. They scorn you....for being so darn nice. Be an amiable fellow, but don't let yourself be duped.

I've felt similarly to what you describe. To deal with it, I try not to put too much of my self value in what others think of me. "I is what I is and I ams what I am."
On a side note, have you ever tried marijuana? I know you said pills effected you badly, but you may have better luck with weed. It does wonders for my sense of self. Anyway, just a thought.