I'm absolutely pathetic. It seems like whenever something nice starts happening to me, I see it as a bad thing. 3 years ago, I made a couple of friends, and I alienated myself from them due to my idiocy. I only realized what I'd done 6 months down the line, and I was depressed and felt like a sore loser for months. It was a very painful experience.
Now its happening again. About a year ago, I had a few friends, and when I left them, I didn't think of it at all, for a year. It was like they never existed in the first place. And now its come back to haunt me. I'm feeling like I'm gonna be a miserable loner all my life.
I know no one is interested in talking to or being friends with me. The only reason people have ever done that with me is due to social obligations. At least earlier I had school where people would bare me, and that has been my only source of friends ever. I do not have a social life of any kind whatsoever, and its getting me in a very dark place. I can feel the depression trickling in. I can see that this is the place I was in 2 years ago, but only this time its gonna be much worse. I realize what I've lost, what I can never get back. I try to delude myself into thinking that I'll cryofreeze myself and then come back to relive the moments I lost when there are time machines, but I know that's not gonna happen.
I don't know, I'm just feeling like there's a boulder on my chest, and I really don't wanna live this lonely pathetic miserable life. I'm not the suicidal kind, but I just can't stop contemplating what the eternal peace might look like, and that I'd not have to deal with this sorrow anymore.
