Abusive grandmother and my best friend abandoned me

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I'm an 18 year old male with Aspergers, I'm in my first year of community college. I deal with so many problems, but luckily I have one best friend, a bit older than me, on whom I've always been able to depend. I've been friends with her for a year and a half now.

Six months ago, she started dating this guy. He's a nice guy, and I was the FIRST person to be supportive of them, whenever she had doubts about her relationship, I was the one who consoled her and supported her, I've always been the one rooting for their relationship.

Them around the start of winter, he decided he didn't like me, and didn't want to be around me. We sort of reconciled. But then last night, when I (And a few other friends) were hanging out at their house, he went upstairs with her and talked at length on how he doesn't want me around him or her anymore. She agreed with him (their relationship is still pretty new, and she's trying not to cause problems). So she took me home and told me that we should take a break from being around each other, but we could still call and text.

I know hes not trying to control her, but that he feels like I'm a third person in their relationship, which is understandable, because Im very dependent on her. I don't even drive.

Having Aspergers means that I have trouble connecting with people, so it's not as simple as finding a new friend. All Of my other friends I know through her, and without her I'm stuck at home almost all day with my grandmother.

My grandmother is another story. She is very abusive, not physically, but psychologically. I'm told day in and day out how I'm useless,and I'm ugly, I'm heavy, that no one will ever love me, that I'm going to die alone, that I'm a burden, that I should I have never been born, that I should kill myself and get it over with.

It's not like I have a choice but to take her crap, because I have no way to get out of the house (except for my friends house, which was a home away from home for me, but thats no longer an option),because I have to swallow my anger and keep it bottled up because I cant say a SINGLE word against her.

My friend says that I'm ready to stand on my own two feet, which is total BS. She says that she needs to stop enabling me, but I think she came up with that as an excuse to not feel bad. I was just starting to do well, it looked like things were going my way for the first time, but now... Every ounce of confidence I had built was shattered.

I feel so sad that my friend abandoned me, and I'm mad at her because I feel like I was just cast aside. And I feel guilty because it seems so selfish to care about what I want, I really just want my friend to be happy.

My friend insists that we'll still be able to hang out, but alot less often. Maybe once or twice a month at most, instead of hanging out a few times a week (And when we do, it's not like a therapy session; we hang out, we have fun, we laugh, etc.) But now I'll hardly ever see her, instead I'll spend that time at home, binge eating while my grandmother mocks me about not being able to keep a single friend.

What hurts most is that I rely on my friend as an emotional safety net. There has been more than a few times in out friendship where her support has been the only thing dropping me from killing myself (I never told her about that, though.) And now that net has been withdrawn. And I am truly alone. I'm going through alot of things right now, and without that safety net, I dont think I'll make it to 19.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

But at least you're still friends.

Forget about what you grandmother says. She doesn't know what she's talking about. I wonder if senility is kicking in.

You'll make it to 19.

Just concentrate on getting good grades in college.

<hugs> I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd try to limit your time with your grandmother to as little as possible. Posting on WP can help a lot with support, even though I know it doesn't compare to the support of a good friend.

Sorry dude. I know that anyone in their right mind wouldn't take up with someone who wasn't at least tolerant of kin and most surely wouldn't spout harmful language, but knowing that is it should be doesn't necessarily make it so. I hope you succeed in becoming more independent

Come on, my friend, I know you're sad.

But...please, go back to school.

If nothing else, to get out of your grandmother's house.

Think about getting that job which would allow you to live on your own.

Sorry you are going through such a rough time. Do you have a bike? If so, you can use that to get around for now, and to get out of the house, except in really bad weather. I did that a lot in my teen years. My first car was a lemon, so I even had to use my bike a few times to get to work when the car was not working, and I didn't live in a city, so work wasn't right nearby.

If you don't have a bike, get one!! ! If you can't afford to buy one, shake the family/friend tree. See if anyone you are related to, or friends with has an old bike they will let you have, or try to get one at a local garage sale.

When you do have to be stuck at home, spend most of the time in a different part of the house than your grandmother, and play nice music with head phones.

Take no mind of the nasty things your grandmother says. She is a mean person. I wonder if she also may be a drunk or an addict. That tends to bring out the worst in people.

Anyway--get that bike! Get out and go places--library, job hunting, visiting local areas of interest, join a club, volunteer, etc.

I just feel sick from this situation. I can't sleep well (but I don't have enough energy to get out of bed). I throw up at least every other day, and my entire body feels numb and overheated.

My friend abandoned me, and we haven't even known each other long. Is this the maximum life expectancy I can expect from a friendship? I relied on her for support, but now she says I'm ready to stand on my own (funny that she said the exact opposite a mere hour before her boyfriend wanted me to leave)
She says she's never turn her back on someone who needed her that desperately. But I'm a mess, I can hardly get out of bed, let alone be independent. I don't know if she's trying to fool me into feeling better, or herself.

I honestly can't blame her for wanting to cut me loose. I know I've been a burden on her, I'm a burden on everyone in my life, I know this.

I've done everything to win her boyfriend over: I've done favors, I've bought him gifts for Christmas and his birthday, I've given him books and movies that I knew he'd like, and I've watched their dog so they could go out (he told her I could still watch the dog when they wanna go out, but that's pretty much it).

We used to hang out all the time, now I haven't seen her in a week, now when I suggest it, she flips out. I asked to hang out, she reacted as if I asked for her car. She flips out: " now you want to come over??? Too???" "All I've done for you isn't good enough for you yet??"
When we hung out, we had so much fun, now it's a chore, apparently. Before, we'd have hung out at least 3 times the past week, now no.

I tried reaching out to her, get her to see how bad I'm doing, but she doesn't care. At first she tried to convince me that I was ready to be independent, then she started getting flippant and sarcastic, now she just gets mad at me. She says we're still friends, but if I don't stop being so frustrating then we probably won't be.

She just pushes me further and further away, without that support I'm too fragile. I feel ready to crack. Like the smallest thing can push me over the edge for good.

Honestly, after everything, I just want my friend to be happy. I didn't realize that meant I was no longer in the picture.

From what you're writing, I think you should search for new friends--perhaps some your age.

You seem too hung up on that friendship. She seems like she's scared of the intensity of your feelings (even though they are not sexual.

I feel like you should seek to get out of this cycle, and make new friends. College friends who have more in common with you.

Why don't you think you could make friends your own age?

It sounds like she wasn't a very good friend. I had one like that, only it was a guy who was younger than me. He was the only friend I had in all of high school, but once I changed my plans he basically dumped me.

First of all, I totally understand where you're coming from. I don't get along with my grandmother, and I hate her now because I started to remember she had sexually abused me 15 years ago. However, I live with my mom and dad who are only supportive sometimes, and I get what you mean about not leaving the house. My dad is always at work and my mom is ill and doesn't drive much. Plus, our cars are always needing to be repaired.

I can tell you it gets really tough being bored at home all day. I quit school awhile ago and am unemployed at the moment. I try to carry conversation with my mom but she gets annoyed. Usually I just talk on WrongPlanet a bit, update my X Files fan blog on Tumblr, watch some current shows online, stream a bit of music, read/write fanfiction. That's it.

When I get sick of that, I just try to relax and take a nap or have some hot tea/coffee/cocoa and snack a bit on my favorite foods. I know it's not a good habit, but that's where I'm at.

Of course, whatever you do, don't get involved with this girl again. She is obviously so desperate to maintain her relationship with her boyfriend, probably due to some insecurities about herself. And her boyfriend obviously sees you as a threat or a romantic rival and doesn't want you around. If the girl valued your friendship, she would try to clarify to him that you two are not involved romantically, which she doesn't. So, most likely she felt that you were using her for rides and attention (at least in her perspective) and would rather be in a relationship than a friendship.

Take some time before you invest in another friendship. While it is possible that she sees the behavior as enabling, it is also most likely not like that to you, as you were looking for an escape for a toxic home environment.

Just hang on and try to get through it, and whatever you do, don't hurt yourself. Things will get better.

Your story really struck some chords with me. Not the situation with your grandma (and I’m sorry, I can only imagine how horrible that situation must be to be stuck in) but the friendship situation. I’m an almost-eighteen year old female with Aspergers. I also had one best friend whom I could utterly trust and depend on, a bit older than me, the opposite gender, and we were friends for a year and a half before he cut me out. The situation wasn’t totally the same but from the sound of it the kind of relationship, and also the way he acted down to the things he said sound so very similar to your friend’s. For a while we were extremely close, talked every day, often for most of the day online. From everything he said and did I gathered he liked me as much as I did him – it was platonic but we talked about absolutely everything and more often than not he initiated conversations and activities with me.

Then I suppose he got sick of me. I was fairly depressed at points and he felt I was too dependent on him. He wanted me to get more friends and be more independent. He wanted us to talk less. He also seemed to think he was enabling me, and basically admitted to no longer feeling like acting so kind and compassionate towards me as he had once because he had realised he couldn’t fix me and I guess he didn’t want to be around something he perceived as so broken any longer.

I couldn’t really hide that all of this distressed me and he started to get pretty mad at me and threaten to totally end the friendship. I was a total wreck, half out of my mind with stress, suicidal at times, and I felt like I would die if he left, sometimes felt like I would die regardless. He stopped liking to talk to me, stopped caring and in my situation I never fully understood why but before I knew it, it was over. I relate to feeling like things were getting better – to climbing up from some deep dark place and then falling right back into it and falling apart.

That was a lot about my own situation, sorry if I went on too much but it helped me to realise I wasn’t the only one whom that happened to, and I hope that maybe it helps you a bit also. For a while it honestly felt like I was the only one awful and defective enough to end up in that situation. Not so. It’s not your fault. It’s just a really difficult situation to be in, and she didn’t deal with it very well. I have a few other thoughts more specific to your situation.

~

You are going through a lot of things, but I think there’s every chance you can make it to 19. Your grandmother sounds truly terrible, but you will get out. Is there any, any way at all you can start looking at doing that soon? If you can’t get your own place, do you have any other relatives who might consider letting you stay with them? Even if you had to move away. Of course the best thing would be to keep going to college, but even if you dropped out, that’s a lot less permanent, a lot less important, a thousand times more fixable than taking your own life.

I have a suggestion regarding your friend and it really sucks and of course only you can make any choice but I think it would likely be the best thing: to cut her out for a while. Forget once or twice a month for now, or texting or calling her. I don’t mean cut her out forever but I think that, in order to truly process your own feelings – to have the time to get mad, to grieve for the friendship, etc. – you need time away from her. And also in order to prove to yourself that you can survive not having that friendship. I kept talking to my friend and it kept getting worse and worse until it ended entirely. Apologies if I’ve misunderstood but it sounds like a very similar thing is happening with yours, like you might be at a point where further communication could make it worse, but it could still be salvaged if you step back for a while and give both her and yourself some space.

I didn’t do this and my friendship went over the edge. I really hope this doesn’t happen to you but seriously, reading your post almost gives me déjà vu.

The reason I didn’t do it was exactly because it felt like dying. But in reality, it was better after I did it. I mean, it hurt like hell, but once hell was done with, there was still something left. Before that it was constant intense stress, constant anticipation of the awfulness of it, drawn out for so much longer than it needed to be. It sounds kind of backwards but you might discover that doing this – after the initial pain of it passes – may actually cause less stress than continuing as you are.

It’s important that you try and find as many ways as possible of channeling this, getting through it – other things to depend on. I get that it’s not easy to simply make new friends. And relate to the intense frustration of being repeatedly told to do so when not really in the situation to do so. AS does not make it easy (on the other hand, I’m certainly not saying that it makes it impossible) and neither does being in a really bad place emotionally. Plus friendships take time to build up, and may never become close and supportive. Another suggestion, though: do you have any way at all, through college or otherwise, that you could access some therapy? It might help in terms of support and you certainly have no lack of reasons to go if you can and would be willing to give it a chance.

The not being able to get out of bed, I’ve been there also. The not caring; the cutting. I wish I had something to say about this that wasn’t trite. It’s horrible.

Do you by any chance write in any form – fiction, or in a journal? Writing in a journal can really help sometimes. Perhaps you could write the things you wish you could say to her without actually saying them, etc. Allow yourself to get mad, though best not around her (of course that would almost definitely just make things worse...) She did not act well. Same with your grandmother – you could try expressing your anger through writing. If you keep things bottled up they will eat you up inside, unfortunately that’s hard to deny.

Similarly if you can get out of the house in any way at all, it may help(even if it feels awful at first.) Can you go for walks around where you live? Even if it’s really brief, or even if you just go outside and sit somewhere for a while. To be away from your grandmother, and nature helps in a quiet sort of way, perhaps just the distance of it.

I have some vague speculations about why she might have done what she did but I’m not sure they would be helpful. I think it sounds like she’s very stressed out about the situation. It is stressful having someone very fragile dependent on you. Maybe a part of her anger stems from guilt of knowing she’s hurting you (guilt can turn to anger) but no longer having the resources to deal with the situation herself. Obviously she finds something in her boyfriend – perhaps she gets emotional support or validation from him and she is insecure about the possibility of losing him and perhaps to her it’s starting to seem like she has to make a choice: to look after her own needs, or yours. And the stress and confusion of it would lead her to need to do something active – in this case cutting you out – instead of just letting it be as it is. Just speculation but backed with some experience. It is a pretty horrible situation.

I don’t think that this is the maximum life expectancy you can expect from a friendship…but, again, I wondered quite the same at some point. At some point there will come a better situation, and maybe someone who can get along with and understand you better. Another harsh fact is that it’s difficult to maintain friendships when in a bad place in life…in other words, just when you need them most. Many friends are fairweather friends, and even many of those who are not leave eventually for whatever reason, or realise they can’t deal with the other friend’s problems anymore. But not all. I hope you keep talking to us. The situation sucks but you can survive it.