This could all be over very quickly.

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I am thinking of using a disposable helium balloon tank and an industrial-strength plastic bag.

Frankly, my existence serves no purpose to anybody else. Yesterday, my sponsor went through about fifty reasons why people are not spending time with me, which all boiled down to one reason - they all have better things to do with their time than to be around me.

And who am I to think I am important enough to waste the time of another human being? I am purely narcissistic and selfish for wanting the companionship of others. The world has no use for somebody like myself.

I was supposed to be a miscarriage to begin with. The fact that I survived has tormented everybody around me for as long as I have lived.

If I were to go through with this, all of this will be over. Nobody will feel obliged to hang out with the freakshow in the 12-step circles. Nobody will listen to me and my sociopathic narcissism any longer. And I will no longer have to put up with my own stupid assumptions that maybe I have some personal worth to hang onto.

I was never really welcome on this earth to begin with. To try to carve a place for myself was selfish.

I don't know you at all but please give this time. Call or text a hotline if necessary. I scanned some of your older posts and it sounds like you just became sober well a) that's great for you and a really brave thing and b) coping without some source of "taking the edge off" is almost impossible for everyone. Everyone needs an outlet. I take anti-anxiety meds, spend too much time online , too much time reading, too much time watching tv, etc. If those were taken away I don't know what I'd do. And alcohol does make socializing easier for a lot of people. If socializing is your problem you might need time to adjust and build skills without the crutch. No one is selfish for wanting time with others, it's a natural human need. Those people might really be busy or they might just not be the right people for you.

When I was drinking, I did not care much about the fact that I have no real place in the world.

Now I am sober, and it is all so crushingly obvious to me. Nobody needs, or even wants, me to stick around.

Yes, that is what I mean by "give it time." Just getting sober and coping with that sends every addict through a loop. It is very very hard for even the most functional average person, and one of your key coping mechanisms has been taken away from you. You need time to cope with the new reality, for your brain and pleasure centers to adjust to seeing the world clearly, and develop a less harmful coping mechanism. Socializing is hard too, so is rejection and feeling useless.
You are doing very hard work and right now you are not getting as much reward for that work as you would like. But it could change and you owe it to yourself to stick around and see if the wind changes.

How long have you been sober?

Please hang on! You've been through a lot of sh!t in your life that won't be easy to overcome. However, I think you're a strong person, partly because you've made it this far, and I think it's possible that you might find not only a better way to cope, but a better way to actually live.

Getting sober is just the beginning of an important transition and I hope you won't give it up. Like weirdspacebird said, your progress may not follow a simple, direct path--I'm not sure anyone's ever does--so you should give it time. As weirdspacebird also said, it's totally natural to feel lonely, depressed, or both, but it's not necessarily going to stay that way. Hang on, adjust your grip on the reins, so to speak, and ride on.

I'm glad you spoke up today, and hope you may come to see that other people who don't even know you do care about you. Please keep reaching out for what you need.

Yeah, nobody likes me either, except maybe my mom. But you know what, all the haters can go f*ck themselves because I don't depend on the approval of others to make me happy.

This is a big problem with many NT's, they can't stand to be alone and will do all sorts of crazy sh*t just so they will always be around people. Young women will have a baby they can't feed so that they'll always have a companion (or even worse, they'll "trap" some guy into their lives by getting preggers by him, then making him marry them or something similar) and then once they have to put up with a screaming baby that screams for hours on end due to colic they think, gee I didn't expect a baby to be so much work, and so much money. And then there's women like Lindsay Lohan who sleep with random guys off the street because they can't stand a "half empty" bed.

NT's will talk about fake celebrities like Kim Kardashian endlessly as if being utterly stupid and lucky enough to inherit a fortune to feed shopping sprees makes a woman important. So what if people have "better things to do" than being around you, they probably think that talking about celebrities, fashion, drugs, and sex are the be all and end all of life, and they don't want to hear an aspie like myself go on about Ron Paul or ham radio.

You have already quit booze, that's an accomplishment in itself, and maybe if the people at AA want to talk about superficial junk and think that that's better than supporting somebody's sobriety you should find another AA group. According to some experts, the long term success rate of AA/NA is in the single digits. And sh*t like that where the sponsor is a jerk and only criticizes may be part of the reason. Well, you don't have to kowtow to NT's because they won't like you anyway. So just say screw it and live your life your way.

Everybody has a place in this world.

If you don't feel like you have a place, CREATE a place for yourself.

What sort of things interest you?

Honestly, I want an older guy to come into my life and give me the mentorship I never had. I always craved something like that. I'm not expecting that from anybody around me. I never was acting like that was an actual possibility. I am 36, I am obese, I am ugly, I have nothing to offer another guy. But it was my dream since early childhood that one day, a guy like that would enter my life and show me the ropes. And if I had to give my body in exchange for that, I would have done so happily. I did do that happily in my youth on a number of occasions, but those relationships ended up turning sour after the bedroom activities grew boring to them.

I just do not want to be alone any more. I spent years cooped up in my apartment, with nothing but a bottle by my side.

I cannot stand being alone for long periods of time. I cannot stand being alone with only my demons keeping me company, and without any bourbon to mollify them.

Today is my eighth day without alcohol. Yes, I am starting over. Yes, I fell off the wagon and I fell off big time, drinking a gallon and a fifth of whiskey in one long weekend.

I will never be who I want to be. I want to be young, attractive, beautiful, alluring to the kind of guy who can provide me with the relationship that I always wanted for myself.

f**k it, I really want to die right now.

why not put that dissatisfied energy into losing weight instead of into killing yourself? in the meantime, call the national suicide line at 1-800-273-talk if you're stateside.

Well, I actually did lose 30 lbs so far this year, so I guess that's a start.

I just emailed my therapist, who told me to do just that if I ever felt like this. I should hear back from him within the next couple of hours, when it's the end of his shift. I don't mind talking about what troubles me here, where nobody will ever know my name or face, but I like to keep my whining to my inner circle of recovery people when it comes to life outside of the Internet, and where things are less anonymous. I would just feel safer talking with the guy that I have worked with for the last four years instead of bringing somebody else into the mix.

It is not really death in itself that I want. I want to silence the inner demons from my past and my present. Death is but one way to get there, and I am f*****g grasping at straws trying to figure out other ways.

Well, I did decide to call the National Suicide Hotline number after all. I just got off the phone with them.

I agreed that I am going to put my demons to paper, and send that paper to my therapist when the time was right. Then I am going to go to bed, sleep, and hope I feel better in the morning.

I hate the way I feel right now. I feel as if I am unwanted, like I am an unwelcome guest in the world around me. Like I am always on the outside, surrounded by people who have families, lovers, close companions, but I am perpetually alone.

You're not a waste of our space.

My grandfather was in the Philippines in 1942, when the Japanese invaded. He fought at Bataan, and was in the Bataan Death March, then he was a POW until early 1945 when the Japanese surrendered the Philippines to the Americans. The physical and mental scars haunted him all his life. One day in 1971 he was watching the evening news, and afterwards he called his daughter and said, essentially, that the nightly body count from Vietnam was bringing back all the memories of the war, and he didn't know what to do. This was long before today's "therapy culture". His daughter said, well write down your war experiences, and maybe once you've done that you'll have more peace. So the daughter typed while he dictated. The resulting manuscript was dubbed "Barbed Wire and Rice", and circulated in his extended family for decades. He died in 1988, from the lingering effects of the war, but at least he had gotten his story out, something most WW2 vets never did. It wasn't until the internet came along that my dad-his son-saw a market for the book.

So, why don't you write down all your experiences, your life story. Maybe after you've gotten it all out you won't have as much of an urge to drink. I know that in some forms of intensive therapy, the client is encouraged to write their life story so it's not kept bottled up inside. So, you might try that.

congrats on the 30# weight loss. that's a real accomplishment!

That only sounds like the most horrible way possible to go...so that is one reason I don't recommend it. Also maybe it would make more sense to try and find people that do see value in your existence, and maybe cut ties with this sponsor...do they usually put you down like that? I thought the point was for such a person to help you...not make you feel worse about yourself. Maybe cut them out...and find some activities you enjoy that aren't related to 12 step programs, there just are other options than that horrendous death.