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Hello everyone, I really don't know where to start. This is the first time I have ever called out for help, in a way its the first time I have ever talked to anyone about the problems I have living with AS. Maybe I should introduce myself before I start ranting about my problems. I go by the handle 6core, I am 26 years old and I live on my own. I was first diagnosed with Aspergers when I was about 6 years old then diagnosed again with Aspergers when I turned 19. I have had major issues socializing due to the fact people figure out that I mimic small things like phrases or body language. This isn't something I do consciously, it just happens over time and it usually drives people away or makes them think I am some kind of clown causing them to treat me like one. This is mainly at work, I don't socialize outside of work other than online gaming communities where I meet people with common interests then slowly over a long period of time I fade off and never speak to them again. The few genuine relationships I have had in the real world meet the same fate eventually not because I lose interest but because I just feel exhausted trying to keep track of friends.

This brings me to why I am here writing this depressing post. I went through a traumatic event that lasted few years when I was younger. It led to a wholehearted suicide attempt that was almost successful then shortly after another suicide attempt. Since then I made some major progress and got my life on track but I never really dropped the option of death. I just told myself that I am going to die young and in a strange way came to peace with the fact that it would be suicide. I have been living with that mindset now for years but I keep on going every day because I know it just isn't my time yet. I am ambitious in what I do and work extremely hard to achieve my goals but there will be what seems like a random time of every year that brings me to a grinding halt. I lose sleep, sometimes staying awake for weeks with only an hour of rest per night. I stop eating as much, I obsess over things like detail in a project or future projects. Then when I am alone working on a project or playing a computer game I will notice my decrease in performance. This ends up causing a fit of rage and I am left with broken projects and broken computer gear. The depression as a result of this brings me within inches of making the final decision. This year is probably the worst of these random events and I have noticed a thought pattern similar to the one I had when I made my first suicide attempt. In the past I have reached out only to be medicated to the point of living in a sedated state. Then medicated again and warned that in my line of work I am at risk of never getting a job again with these meds on my record. Good I hate the medication anyway but I need some alternative and that's why I am writing to everyone here. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

Buying tougher machines is never a bad option. I'm ThinkPad shopping myself lately.

I can understand your situation. When I was a student, my days were pretty much like yours. Now, I am no longer in the University but I remember those days I did not even eat food and became physically ill. I would focus on my studies obsessively to a crazy extreme and not care about my health. I became depressed due to poor health.
What can I say, dear friend, you have to sleep properly and eat good breakfast,lunch and dinner. Although this advice may sound cliched, but you have to take care of your sleep patterns and eating habits first. Secondly, you have to get proper direct sunlight each day. These three habits of sleeping,eating and getting sunlight will improve your health. Slowly, you will see the brain fog lifting. For a few days try this.
Often, when we are immersed in our studies/narrow interests/hobbies, we forget about our bodies. Our bodies also need something, some fuel. Although it may be a boring thing to do, but taking care of our bodies ( which we Aspies are famous for neglecting ) is more important than other things. For a while, ignore your special interest and take care of your body/health. Mind and body are related and often an improvement of our physical health improves our mental health.

Try moving in with another Aspie or have one move in with you.

I have major insomnia issues as well and have to take anti-depressants to stay asleep. Every single night I wake up and have to take an additional dose.

May I suggest you do physical exercise like push-ups or walks, lie down for relaxation (with or without accompanying music), and try herbal medicines.

Thank you all for the replies. I really do need to look into my daily food intake because over the past month some of the people I work with have mentioned that I have lost a lot of weight. Does anybody have any advice on the suicidal thoughts? I have been thinking this way for so long now that its almost become ingrained in my thought process. I know its not normal and its not healthy but its almost like its become a coping mechanism and if I don't do something about this I am worried it could be the end of me. When I get into this state I just feel no self worth at all and mixed with the suicidal thoughts I have come very close to suicide.

It seems these days all doctors want to do it medicate you. I have that same problem im what you would call situationally depressed ( like when it gets really stressful i get all emo and blah blah blah). I found the best way to cope with my issues is not being alone. Being an aspie thats pretty hard because i really dont like people that much. So i got a cat ( i love cats) it took me forever to find the right one actually he found me i was walking through yet another shelter in search for my new furbaby and lo and behold this orange paw reached out and grabbed my shirt and bit me lol i knew i had to have him. His name was Mattie and he was a maine coon tabby mix ( i saw was because he passed a few months ago) Why mattie was so awesome well one day i was is one of my moods and thinking about just ending it all and the tub looked awful inviting so i went to do it when splash my cat jumpped on top of me and clawed me until i got out of the tub i think it was his way of saving me. Ever since that day he would always sit in the bathroom with me and if i shut the door hed meow until i let him in. He helpped improve my mood and made it easy to function through those hard times it was always nice knowing i had someone that cared about me. So maybe try getting an animal. Be picky not all animals are amazing some can be rite a**holes (kinda like ppl) it may take you a while to find your perfect fit but when you do its just amazing ( i am horrible and writing im so sorry if this makes no sence)

Suicidal thoughts- Well, when I was in the University, going through the exact phases as you have mentioned, I had such thoughts. Not that I wanted to do something to harm myself but wished that something should happen to me and I would be gone from this earth forever. I called my mom to stay with me in the University hostel for a few days so that these thoughts won't haunt me but she was of no help. She could not provide any relief.
So, I was thinking of alternatives. As I loved nature very much, I started to spend time outdoors,in the sunlight near a pond. Watching the sky and the waters gave me some relief.The bright sunlight itself gave me much relief. Day by day, sitting beside the pond gave me another outlook on life-that there exists a different reality apart from the one I was visualizing. The trees, the pond, the sunlight-told me that people aren't all there is to this world, there is nature too which is more soothing than the company of people. I made it a routine to walk in the nature everyday through the narrow lanes of University campus. You can say, nature saved me.
If nature works for you try it. Or you can visit a psychologist. Barring your soul to someone or any kind of talk therapy may help you. The point is, don't be alone with your thoughts. Do something about it. Talk it out with a therapist or spend more time in nature, in sunlight. You will see a difference.