My father died, and I'm acting cold?

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Haven't been on here for a while, but seeing my dad died on Monday, I now only have NTs around and I seem to be acting differently to them. I need some help from fellow Aspies. How did you deal with it? I don't seem to be that shook up. Sure, I cry when I think of songs he liked, but I don't feel that different. And we were close. My mum is acting crazy and my brother is very very withdrawn. But I'm just me...

Here's some background info I feel like writing which may explain why I'm acting so strange, you don't have to read if you don't want.

So yeah, my dad died on Monday morning, before I was going to work. I was actually living with friends but was staying at mum and dad's for the weekend, and mum was at work already because she starts early. My brother woke me up and told me something was wrong with dad, so I raced out but it was too late.

I feel like he's still here with me (not physically) but that his spirit is living on with me and my bro. Everyone else is really sad, and my coworkers and friends want to hug me and everything but I just find it over the top. I find my purpose is to help my family get through it and I find that I'm saying things that dad would've said. He came to me in a dream Monday night and he just said 'oh, don't worry about me, I'll be fine,' and maybe I guess that's what he would've wanted. He also had AS and was the only one who ever really understood me, but I guess that whenever I cry I know that I'm just crying because I miss him, not because I'm crying "for" him.

The thing that worries me is that it's all going to blow up soon seeing I'm feeling so normal. Another thing that worries me is that I have lived in this parallel imaginary world for most of my life, it's a world I base my books, paintings, a lot of things around. It's my only escape, seeing I'm constantly having to put on a mask at work etc, and I can pretend to be normal a lot easier if I have this place to escape to every now and then. Once I was told by a councilor that I wasn't allowed to do this anymore because it was weird (I should've listened to them) and when I tried to withdraw from this world I went through a huge mental breakdown, much, MUCH worse than I'm feeling now. I really couldn't cope without it so I went back to it. It's my coping mechanism now, so while my real dad is dead, my fake one is alive so it's ok. I feel like a zombie or a machine. How could someone feel like this? I must be a terrible person for caring about an imaginary dad more. The even more annoying this is that my real dad actually supported this imaginary world, he was the only one who really knew about it. He used to read my stories and everything. He would've told me to keep it up. He actually asked me about 5 years ago if I still had it. I hate it but it is an addiction and often the only thing from keeping me from drinking etc.

Also when I found out he had died the first thing I thought of doing was go and sit with the dog. I didn't know how to comfort my bro. I sat with my dog and cried and talked to him but couldn't do it with my bro. How awful. Same with the cat, I preferred to sit with him than my mum.

Hi,

my father died 7 years ago, and I had a very similar reaction. After the first shock I was unable to feel anything really, other than empty and overwhelmed. My father died very suddenly in an accident, so it was really hard. Others started to push me into expressing my feelings or grieving with them but that only made it worse. All I wanted was to be alone but others wanted to console or 'fix' me. After the funeral, people went to my mother and complained that I was looking desinterested and detached (seriously, they can be happy I don't know who it was. What a dick move is that).

I think some people just do not feel comfortable sharing their emotions with anyone, in fact it can make it even harder for them if others constantly try to pry it out of them. Sadly few people understand or respect this. I also find refuge in a fantasy world whenever I felt really bad and it helped me through many dark phases. I think that's as legit a coping mechanism as any, as long as it doesn't totally take over your life and you are aware that it's imagination.

Anyway, I wish you all the best, you will get through this even though at times it can be sh***y.

I also went through a similar experience after my father died. I was completely detached from the world but felt no grief, it was strange because I loved him and missed him a lot, I was just unable to mourn for him in the usual manner. Over time the numbness faded and I felt normal again.

One of the aspects that I found hardest to deal with was the way other people started to treat me, suddenly it felt like the whole world wanted me to cry on their shoulder and I hated it. I went from being ignored to having strangers stop me in the street to say how sorry they were (it was a small town..). I had no idea how to deal with these people and often my responses were quite hostile, I'd say things like 'why, was you then?' or just plain blank them. People cut you a lot of slack in this situation but you're still pissing them off, I soon learned that the best response was to say something like 'thank you, we're getting there'.

The best advice I can give you is be there for your family, especially whilst you are the one the thinking the most clearly, and don't beat yourself up over reacting differently, it doesn't mean you didn't love him. Peer pressure is the last thing you need at the moment, don't let other people makes things worse for you but don't push them away either, it makes things worse than it needs to be.

Good luck and stay strong.

It's okay to express yourself the way you're currently doing; there is no single or right way to act. Some people cry and some people don't, and that's fine. People process death differently.

Thanks for the replies guys. I guess it makes it a bit less weird now I know others have felt like this too. And Sanctus, I do have to keep it under control like a number of other 'addictions' I have but I'm better at it now.

You're not alone. back in 2000 my dad died in my arms, i was looking him in the eye when he left. what i felt was nothing. i loved my dad, i know did and i still do. but the "normal" feelings that people have when someone close to them passes are just not there. i've always suspected there was something off with me but this incident really put me over the top. wasn't until later that i saw aspergers on the net and things became clear.