Shame and guilt after having a meltdown...

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I had a horrible meltdown today, maybe the worst I've ever had. I had it because my aunt started accusing me and threatening me again with altering our relationship, because I arrived late at her place when I was supposed to do the shopping (she has some stupid ideas about being late and insists on punctuality, although my ADHD prevents me from having any notion of time). I think my aunt is the person I love the most in the whole world. She knows that maintaining a good relationship with her is very important and that I hate when she says that we should alter our relationship in any way, but she does it anyway, as if to punish or scare me. She has a lot of anger issues of herself, that she projects unto me, and doesn't believe that I have ADHD and AS. My ADHD symptoms have been the reasons for our conflicts for ages, ever since I was a little child. Being an Aspie doesn't help either, as I'm too sensitive and I take it literally when she asks me to leave her house... After many years of fighting with her and with the other people in my family (my father and my grandma, who have anger issues of themselves too), I cannot handle fighting with them. I get overwhelmed and melt down.

Today, I couldn't handle it anymore and had the worst meltdown. I cried, I shouted, banged the floor with my fists, threw a woollen scarf I was wearing against a wall, banged my whole body against another wall, shivered and wailed, totally out of control. Needless to say, she was not impressed. She thought I was putting on a show to impress her, just as she thinks that I am late and forgetful because I want to upset her...

My God, I felt SO guilty and ashamed after having the meltdown. I am a decent 25 years old woman, I am intelligent and compassionate towards other people. I don't understand why I'm doing this when I can't handle it anymore. I don't understand why I lose control. I hate myself for not being able to handle these situations better. It's not the first time I have a meltdown while fighting with her or with my father or grandma. I rarely have meltdowns when I am interacting with people other than my family members and when I do, they're never that bad...

My aunt is 77 years old and has a heart condition. Every time I fightt with her and/or have a meltdown, I fear that she will have health troubles because of it, as she should avoid strong emotions. That makes me feel guilty every time things go wrong. On the other hand, I do my best to avoid getting into a fight, but she provokes and provokes me, until it gets too much to handle and cannot control myself any longer... Shouting and screaming is unbearable to me from a sensory point of view. I also have sound-to-touch synaesthesia and to hear someone screaming is physically painful to me, like a punch or heavy pressure in the chest. Not to mention that the emotional aspect of it all brings me to my knees...

It's so hard to be an Aspie amidst NTs. And I only have a mild case. After all, I escaped diagnosis for such a long time.. I wonder how hard it must be for a LFA person to live in this NT world...

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Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

Your not alone here and im pretty sure 90% of us feel guilty after having meltdowns we feel guilty as if its our faults and its not our fault. The guilt lingers too sometimes leading to a shutdown I feel so bad after hurting people emotionially by causing self harm.

Thank you. Sometimes, it's really good to have someone tell me it's not my fault... Shutting down because of feeling guilty after a meltdown happens to me too. Not always, but often it does...

_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

Have you ever used a watch or a timer to remind you when you need to go home. Like set it at a certain time and when it goes off, you know it's time to head home?

Also you mention you take it literal when she tells you to leave her house. Does she say this very time? If so, why can't you learn to not take that request so seriously? She doesn't mean it every time she says it right?


I actually think it's easier for a LFA person to live in this world because their disability is more visible and obvious so people wouldn't expect the same out of them like they would for everyone else.

Some people I know with ADHD use alarms on their phone to help with that.

I always feel guilty after having a meltdown. I also find it difficult to apologize, like I feel like I should and I want to it's just that I don't know how to go about it.