I need to talk to somebody and all my friends are either upset themselves or not around.
Lets tell a little story:
When I was born the doctors were sure I'd be blind by age two, never walk, nothing. I proved them wrong, but what for? Why am I here if all I do is suffer?
My mom was an alcoholic growing up, and my dad was abusive. I got away from my dad as soon as I could and have been living with my mom because I'm disabled and have a tough time finding work even without aspergers. After graduating highschool I got my own apartnment quickly because I felt caged. I moved back in with my mom about 10 years ago to take care of her when she got cancer. She beat cancer but is in pain daily as a reminder. My brother... Hes a horrible person. He was on drugs for years and years but finally mostly got clean. Mom is an enabler hardcore but if you tell her so she gets mad. One time one of my brothers druggy girlfriends beat up my mom badly and I had to take control of the situation and pretty much lay on the girl to keep her from causing more harm. Nobody messes with me because they know I'm not afraid to tell them how I feel and also I'm a strong person and they'd never be able to harm me. yea, I'm a strong 33 year old girl... who is f*****g miserable.
My brother nearly shot himself twice, choked my mom once.. I slapped him for the first time in my life 4 days ago. His disrespect is getting on my nerves hardcore. I have a long fuse.. but it has a limit, and hes about at it. I wished his death before he got clean because how much he took advantage of my moms kindness.
He is staying here again and disrespecting my mom again and I CAN'T TAKE IT! WHY?! WHY MUST SHE LET HIM STAY HERE?! I almost wish for his death again. I'd never do something like that, but honestly, I wish somebody would kill both him and my dad.
Its hard.. because I love him, but that doesn't mean he can mistreat my mom and I. I told him he had to move out immediately, and mom basically went behind my back and let him stay. I FEEL LIKE A CAT IN A CAGE MEANT FOR A MOUSE. My mom also won't accept that I have aspergers... She gets mad when I bring it up or if she sees me doing anything that isn't neurotypical like obsessing over my hobbies or rocking back and forth when I'm concentrated.
I just wish my brother would get out of here... I am about to go homeless just so I can be free. I can't afford an apartment due to my lack of having and getting a job. I was in college, but my mom being hospitalized due to her getting beat up... well. It ended it. I do plan on going back, but I don't know if I can live like this another day.
If god exists, why did he give me such a horrible family? Why couldn't I have been born to a family who understands me? A family that doesn't have so much drama in it. I just want to be free. I don't feel free or in control. I hate it.
At times like this I honestly feel like I don't belong on this planet. So what if I don't party and all that crazy stuff. Maybe I want a relaxing life full of knowledge and learning. is that so bad?
28 May 2015, 1:13 pm
