Yeah friends and aqantinces my ass...

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Sure I have mentioned I have friends and acquaintances....but its just a big fat lie I have convinced myself of. I am still just as annoying and intolerable as ever, people associating with you to try to be nice is not the same as real friends or acquaintances. I mean I somehow thought I was a little better with these things, but I think now it was likely more wishful thinking than reality that I had actually made any improvements on interacting with people let alone befriending anyone.....but now it is clear to me it really was only I am my brothers sister so thus I meet some people he is friends with who tolerate me likely just to be nice.......for a minute I thought maybe we had the same friends and stuff was good but now I am thinking it is more I am the annoying family member my brothers friends have to tolerate so I should probably stop trying to hang out with him or any 'friends' I have through hanging out with him so much and just isolate more.

The friends your family have don't necessarily make your own best friends. Rather seek friends who already have the same interests as you and share similar ideas, as you can relate to them better.

Friendship is a strange thing. I have friends I can trust but they don't even live in the same city. Ihave no real close friends in the city I stay. I'm in a long distance and long standing relationship with my special soul mate and think I need to return to his home city because it's all very well have running and the Internet to keep me busy but I do get lonely at times, despite my family being here. They care about me but are fundamentalists who disapprove of gay relationships and also tend to judge by outward appearances. For example, my mom doesn't think I should seek a work position with my next door neighbour or that he can be decent, simply because he has a Buddhist statue in the front yard!

Sorry, I'm not trying to rant here, just showing that I know where you're coming from and understand how difficult it can be to find someone you can talk to and share your own ideas without criticism or judgment.

Hi Sweetleaf,

I sense that something happened. What's making you so upset?

I don't think most people want to associate with you because they "feel sorry" for you. They usually think you're cool, and that you have common interests.

Like KK I also get the sense that there's a specific reason for you posting this. Has there been an argument or some other incident in your family? It's always difficult trying to strike up a relationship with your family member's friends, and you shouldn't feel obliged to unless of course you genuinely have interests in common. From personal experience I know that making and keeping friends is hard, but you're an interesting and likeable person, so you have much to offer to other people ... but yes, I know, it isn't easy finding those people. Isolation isn't the answer though, I've done that myself and it leads nowhere.

Well that is the trouble me and my brother do have like the same interests, and most his friends also have similar or the same interests...I figured it was kind of cool that since I am not so good at meeting people/finding friends I was able to get along with my brother and his friends and it seemed plenty of them did take a liking to me as myself and not just trying to be nice to 'their friends sister' but IDK....what is to say any of that is true....and just the way/amount my brother contacts me to get together I figured he actually really does enjoy us hanging out together. But do people ever appear to make efforts to hang out with someone just to be nice....or is it actually safe to assume he genuinely does enjoy doing that.

But yeah I do try to branch out and try to befriend people on my own...but I just kind of fail at that I guess, not sure. I know I can be kind of hard on myself, and take things to heart moreso than I should.

A stupid argument with my brother....and now can't seem to quit worrying that he's still mad at me even though we did end the argument and said our good byes when I left to go home so it wouldn't really make sense. But when in agruments when people sort of speak out of anger....I can take it kind of hard and get stuck in that mind trap of assuming they are referring to everything about me. Like if someone was to say 'I don't want to deal with your crap right now' they may more mean they are angry/bothered and don't want to hear more about some topic....whearas I might take it to mean they must have had a problem with me for weeks with a perception I was just a walking crap creator and finally brought it to light, thus as a result remain still beating myself up over arguments when the other person likely has moved on and wont give it another second thought......which this could certainly be yet another case of.

Many of us on the spectrum including myself have a tendency to overreact and to over-analyze certain situations and / or take things personally when something like that happens.

Don't over-stress about it, just try and move on if possible. I know it's not always easy as I too tend to be very intense and introspective sometimes.

I often happen to see a friendship as someone not necessarly with the same interest(that only makes it easier to enjoy company) but someone I find to think similiarly or somone that is able to somewhat understand how I am, and accept it and make me feel safe enough to be myself without the "restrictions" I have been putting unto myself to act kind of normal. I did this since I was a child because at that point I thought it was some kind of universal standard for behaviour and thinking in people which I needed to apply "to grow up"(as my parents stated), that everyone else also needed to apply . Later I realized that this behaviour came natural to most people instead of having to learn to be like that trough thinking, and at that point I felt different, decieved by all society and sad and all on my own, I couldn't even make my own family realise the depth of my sorrow, which I felt was their job at that time, which made me feel even more decieved. After 6 years alone in this ultimate sadness and loneliness I gave up and deemed myself doomed to be on my own and lost all value in my life as 11 years old, so in pure desperation of finding someone who understood so I could get rid of this sorrow and loneliness I kept on trying to be like everyone else until I got picked up in the psychological health department trough a school counsellor concluding I was depressed when I was 16 . I gradually progressed in coping with that reading psychology and I still tried to make the counsellors understand what I was struggling with. I only got the reply that I had insight like a grown up man which kind of satisfied me, but I still felt misunderstood and didn't trust them enough to feel comfortable as I've always had a great intuition judging others ability to judge myself. Some way down the path I met by coincidence somone diagnosed with Asperger syndrom and stated to her that "I've never met anyone that relates to things in the same way as I do, to the same degree as I feel you do". That made me think and get one foot out of the depression and was a basis for my later acceptance of my difference instead of striving to be like everyone else in a perfectionistic manner. I still wasn't convinced that I was an aspie as I had a black and white picture of things and it took me some years to accept that aswell(wich was recently).
The point in telling you this is to point out the importance of real friends as I stated at the start of the post.
And even though I joined this forum recently I feel that I see alot of friend qualities here. Also take into consideration that this is MY view of real friendship based on MY expereience and MY feelings, so it doesnt necesseraly apply to anyone else, but anyways I guess it is a interesting story/perspective on this matter. But long story made short; I feel a real friend is somone you feel safe and fun and comfortable around, somone you love as a valuable addition to your own life instead of a stressfull addition. Don't take me wrong! theres also alot of great people around which won't understand ever, or people that have values that make them hard to love, but as long as they are kind atleast I feel somewhat safe.(many have said that I am naive in this manner, but I am a emotional person that tends to think the best of people unless they scare me, but I'm abit better at showing my emotions in writing than in real life because of the structures society has trapped me inside, and the uneasyness of other people judging me) I hope you won't be too sad for too long and I think it's great that you share this!

It might be "abit" of a misspost and not to relevant to your actual post since I got carried away ! in that case sorry!

It's all good, I don't feel it went too far off topic.

Anyways was kind of over-reacting, I feel my brother and two other people specifically are the sort of 'friends' you describe. I mean they do actually accept me for who I am I don't feel like I have to really fake or anything around them...I guess due to low confidence there are some things I kind of keep to myself that I wish I felt more comfortable being open about but that's just stuff I have to work on in myself. I did sort of come to a realization that I think sometimes when I get in any conflict/argument with someone I am the one being too hard on myself, like way too hard...but then I guess I sort of attribute it to coming from them so of course I seem to be 'over-reacting'. I am thinking perhaps from the other persons perspective when this happens they are just trying to point something out or address some issue so if I then blow up on them....they get more defensive to and don't understand its more coming from me being hard on myself.

So I suppose all I can do about that is try to be aware of it and work on improving that....I guess I lose sight of just how much I've internalized a lot of negativity throughout life. Though it is a kind of painful realization, it is helpful and makes me feel a little less constricted....like maybe now being more aware I can try to be more objective and actually listen to what someones saying without letting all that other garbage in my head twist it around to where I am actually reacting to that rather than the actual issue at hand. That is really the basis of the argument I was frusterated over something pretty small and my brother tried to be helpful....but then I wasn't really actually listening to what he was trying to say so he got frustrated with me, and then of course I got kind of argumentative and sort of put words in his mouth. But at the moment I thought he was just giving me a hard time, and reacted accordingly basically I felt stupid about what I was frustrated about, and got to the point I accused him of implying I'm an idiot...when that was coming from my head not his so that is when it escalated onto more full on arguing. I think this issue is probably largely related to my PTSD and I am going to therapy for that because obviously I don't like it interfering with my relations with people.

I guess also my parents got divorced after arguing a lot...so I think in my mind I get worried even if I am not fully conscious of it that argument=end of any relationship, when in reality everyone gets in arguments and its not always that grim of an outcome. I mean there are some siblings that wont even talk to each other because that's how bad it is I cannot recall the last time I argued with my sister I also do not see her a lot, and me and my brother don't have many arguments.


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Winter is coming.

"I guess due to low confidence there are some things I kind of keep to myself that I wish I felt more comfortable being open about but that's just stuff I have to work on in myself" I feel the same about some things aswell, and this is why I was so happy when I got to this forum some days ago, cuz I felt like I could share some of those thoughts here(and as you probably see on what I wrote in the first post I have been keeping things for myself pretty much all my life so I'm kinda new into the opening up stuff), so now until I get used to being here I guess I almost could be abit too open. But that is a learning process I have to go through.

"I think this issue is probably largely related to my PTSD and I am going to therapy for that because obviously I don't like it interfering with my relations with people." I think thats a smart choice, since we internalize as much as we do there can be alot of misunderstandings and afterwards this only leads to more negative internalization, and I think that letting this out on a professional is more safe and not socially impairing or brings more negative thoughts related to the potential of social impairment.
Arguments are and sometimes seem like "the worlds end" but as you say it is usually not as bad as we tend to think and that is sometimes easy to forget.

Arguments are -Hard- and sometimes seem like "the worlds end" but as you say it is usually not as bad as we tend to think and that is sometimes easy to forget. that single word missing changed the whole meaning.

Be kind to yourself. I was just discussing this the other night, "me time" is vitally important. Mine is spent with caffeine & gizmos close at hand, from what I know you have some really good ones. Love your Playstation.

I feel a very strange kinship with you. I have a looooooong background in two things: Church, and music. For a while I did OK when I was mostly hanging out with other musician types. Back at my home church, people love me. But now that I've been out of school for over 10 years and music people are fewer and further between, I really feel like I have no friends. The church crowd thinks I'm some weird kind of rock star because I'm in an older Baptist church and I tend to go a little nuts on the piano. They enjoy what I do. But I feel like if I'm in any other crowd not focused on making music or doing something church-related, there's not a single person outside my family who even really cares about what I have to say.

True story: My birthday is tomorrow. Now, at this point in my life, I'm long past the point of caring about my birthday. It's just another day on the calendar and I'd just be happy staying home working on this next ambient album. My wife, on the other hand, is making plans to visit my mother, take me shopping for clothes (wardrobe DOES need to be updated, plus I have to buy a tuxedo for upcoming gig…blech), and go out on an actual date that doesn't involve children. Alright, fine. So two days ago, she gets on Facebook saying she needs a babysitter for just a couple hours. NO RESPONSE. So guess what? Either no date, or the kids are coming, too.

The point is not that I'm feeling sorry for myself because people are purposefully ignoring me on my birthday. I don't give a rip--it's just another day to me. What bothers me is as much as my wife and I do for our friends and people we go to church with nobody can find 3 stinkin' hours to watch our kids. It doesn't matter that much to me, but it was a BIG DEAL to my wife. So you can't find 3 hours to show her some kindness?

I don't mean to hijack your thread--this isn't about me. Plain fact of life is people suck and they do merely tolerate others just to be nice.

Now, on the bright side--One thing to remember is never second-guess people even if they are just "tolerating" you. If you are concerned that they find you annoying and you WANT to be less annoying, it's on you to change that. But if people are just "being nice," I say just go with it. Be nice back. I know people are just "being nice" and tolerating me. I do my best not to disappoint people, I try to be nice and return the kindness, and I don't dare bring it up in conversation. It is what it is, and it's best just left alone.

The other thing is something I've been harping on in recent months: Relentlessly practice the Golden Rule. At one point in my life, I felt I had to accept that I don't matter to anyone. Now I don't accept it--I EMBRACE it. My happiness is based on the happiness of others. If I smile at someone and he or she smiles back, or if I help someone and he or she says "thank you," I feel I've succeeded. The trick isn't to expect anything back but rather to simply BE an enrichment to the lives of others. Ironically, you'll get TONS of friends if you do that, and they'll hang on your every word. Something I've immersed myself in lately is getting my music out on the internet. It used to be I wanted lots of YouTube subscribers and social media followers, selling tons of CD's, getting promo gigs, and raking in the cash. OK, that didn't work. So I decided to just scrap the whole thing and forget about it. What I do now is I watch 10 YouTube vids a day, 4 days a week, and I "Like" and comment on them--always positive. 4 times a day, every day, I share my own vids, and in my own message "promoting" my vid, I share a little bit about how my day is going or I'm going on about some other musician I really like. I don't really care if anyone likes or responds…I just want to improve your day and spread some love and peace. Oddly enough, my views and engagement have skyrocketed ever since I started releasing these new ambient music vids. If people don't just love me, I don't care. That's not why I'm here. But it sure is nice when they do!

So, in a nutshell--just keep doing what you do. If you're really concerned about having a lot of friends, all you need to change (if you don't already do this) is just practice the Golden Rule and all that other lame-sounding stuff that mothers tell their kids about "if you want friends, be a friend…"