Meltdown rant

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I'm sick of being alone. In a class of utter strangers. Not a familiar face in sight. Strange sounds and smells.

I hate returning to my hall, where the other flatmates never appear, or even bother to talk to me (stereotypical Chinese students) when they show up.

I, for the first time in a while, feel... envy. Envious of just how easy it was for my NT friends to hook up with new people. I also... feel anger. Rage. Not towards them, but myself. On how useless I am, how much of a f*****g freak I am. I had so many chances with learning. Yet I fail repeatedly. Fail in exams, in love, friendships. FAIL.

The only redeeming feature is that I am apparently open, honest, "caring". But so WHAT?

Total dickheads have friends, have lovers. Yes, they might be superficial, but at least they are not alone.

During times like this, I have wondered why I continue. Hope? The warmth from the thoughts of friends (at least people I enjoy hanging out with), dogs and family? Impermanent, fragile things.

People move on. My siblings have spouses and children to content with. My parents will fade away. My friends will soon have partners, have a life on their own. My beloved hounds will soon succumb to nature.

I will be left with nothing. Nothing but memories.

Sometimes I think that once the last vestiges of these feelings are gone, I will just buy a shotgun, a single cartridge, find a quiet spot in the woods, and off myself. Mother nature will become my grave. No more hate, envy, longing, loneliness.

you can always get another dog. and your qualities are very important ones.

I hate it when I am in that kind of place; I'm sorry you are dealing with it.

For me, sometime screaming and/or crying into a pillow helps. Maybe even give the pillow a few good slugs with a fist. A more physical catharsis like that can sometimes help alleviate all the frustration bouncing around in my head.

Your rant reminds me of something that happened years ago in the Santa Cruz Mountains. Police had found the body of a college student who apparently couldn't stand the pressure and hanged herself. While searching for evidence, the cops came across another, much older body. So much older that it had gold coins from the 1880s with it, along with a rusted shotgun. They determined that somebody had hiked into what was then a wilderness and killed himself-over 100 years ago.

It was so long ago that Stanford University, which is nearby, was still the private estate of Leland Stanford. San Francisco had yet to be destroyed in the 1906 earthquake. San Jose was still a little town that lived and died by the wheat crop. No electricity, no running water, no flush toilets.

We will never know why somebody would ride several DAYS journey from San Jose (no cars, either-just horses) to kill himself. We really don't know how old he was, if he had lived he might have seen the first electric lights lit in San Francisco, listened to a radio for the first time, ridden (or drove) in the first cars. He might have helped rebuild SF after the quake. Maybe he was aspie and didn't know it. You don't really know what the future holds.

I feel you and it sucks, I have my moments were this stuff hits me all at once as well but you'll find your composure soon enough I am sure. Take a drink, have a smoke, watch a funny movie or something, sleep it off, do what you gotta do to get your mind off of what you're thinking about right now. Take how you feel right now and try to use it, desperation can motivate a person to make changes in their life that they wouldn't of been able to do without going to that dark place. The biggest changes I've made in my life were because of this, there comes a point when you become so fed up with your life situation that whatever insecurity or anxiety or whatever standing in the way of improving it pales in comparison.

Thank you, people. Reading over the rant after calming down puts it into perspective...

Well, something did go well today. Despite of still recovering from the sob story and battling a flu, still managed to get through some simple lab work FASTER + CORRECTLY than others in my (stupid) class. Hopefully, after this passes, I will warm up to them. Alienating them, or at least going in there with a blank/angry face does not help with my situation.

Maybe I'm not so hopeless after all...

But yeah, thanks for the stories, the experiences. I cannot help but notice that I just reached 30% of my lifespan (if I'm lucky).

Sure, I could kill myself, but what of all the possibilities? I could still be alone, but may have found meaning in my life through work, or study. I could loose all I currently cherish, but learning from before, form even stronger bonds with new people.

Maybe just never loose hope. I have found it again before. I will live through this. I must.