Rants

Post Reply New Topic

I feel like an idiot... I should have slapped someone in the face while I still had the chance to

I let someone get under my skin today, when I know better. I don't know how to deal with him, because he is constantly playing dumb and this annoys the crap out of me. He finds aggravating me entertaining, but it just makes me miserable. People just make me miserable.

Well, I guess it was only a matter of time. Knuckle-dents in the walls at our new house. Sigh. As if I weren't already constantly agonizing over all the other repairs that I need to make. Make some holes in the walls, yeah. That will definately help. As if he wasn't already enough of a burden to me.

I suppose I should count myself lucky that we made it for 6 months without him punching any holes in the walls?

On some level, I feel like I can't fault him because he clearly has no control over himself when things like that happen and, to a certain extent, it is to be expected with Asperger's.

So why doesn't that make it any easier to deal with? I'd honestly rather that he would punch the stone fireplace and hurt himself. Then at least it wouldn't be MY problem. Why should his lack of self-control be my problem? He should inflict pain on himself, imo. That would be more fair.

At least I think that I handled it relatively well by not scolding or becoming upset with him, which historically just makes things worse. I just hearded the dogs out of the way and waited until he calmed down a little bit to try to comfort him.

Anyway.. off to buy a punching bag and hope he has the presence of mind to actually get up and find it instead of punching out the nearest wall.

So many stupid people have annoyed me recently.
Someone said about the MMR vaccination "the autism rate for unvaccinated children is 0." NO IT'S NOT. I WASN'T VACCINATED because my grandmother was scared that it would give me autism. Not only do I have autism, but I had measles too AND IT WAS ONE OF THE WORST WEEKS OF MY LIFE.
My grandmother also said I'm a typical teenager, despite a huge amount of evidence to the contrary. How many typical teenagers feel the need to get up 3 1/2 hours earlier than usual when poeple visit to make sure no-one sits in their chair? How many typical teenagers stay up all night not texting, not going on Facebook, not looking at Twitter, not in fact going online at all, but doing maths for fun (at 3:20 everything gets a bit surreal and those numbers could do anything...)? I'm not "just gifted", I have problems that none of the other gifted people in my school have. I'm not "just shy", I genuinely don't know what to say in social situations. And whatever she might think, after every social situation I feel less confident about my social skills. It's not "just a normal temper tantrum", I genuinely lose control and get upset whether someone's watching or not. And I'm the only person in my year who's never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and the only person who hasn't been to a party for more than 5 years.
Despite what some people say, this isn't because everyone hates me, it's because I don't want to.
Then there was that supply teacher who assumed I was lying when I said that I'd read 'War and Peace'.
And the group of girls who hate me because I like classical music.
And the exam board who expect me to write an essay on TV adverts that I love or loathe when I don't have a TV so I haven't seen any.
And that "friend" who told me that my depression wasn't real and was just attention seeking.
And Michael Gove.
And that girl who actually boasted about spending £300 on clothes in one day. That's more than the average that my family spend on food in 3 weeks.

I hate you right now.
Stupidity. The only thing that can make me sit in a corner and cry (apart from unsolved maths problems).

@starkid good rant.
@mathematicalOwl good rant.

I just posted this on Facebook, thought WP might appreciate it:
-------------------
I have been robbed twice, had my pay cut by my employers more times than I can count, I am uninsured, had someone try to kill me once, and nearly every one I have ever known has lied and lied and lied to me.

I have only one question:
What do people want from me?
Why must I give and give and suffer and be victim to people?

What do you want?

I pay my employer 5$/hour to work and I make about $11 to $12/hour leaving me $ 6 or $7 per hour. Should I pay more?
My employer increases my workload weekly, should I work more?

What? What does the world want from me?

I cannot afford a home, or a care, or a life - I only eat 1 meal every other day - what do you want from me?

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Which really is completely pointless, because they wouldn't understand unless they have been through it themselves, and even if they did, my alexithymia would prevent anything even slightly useful getting out, let alone being resolved. I have been having the urge to put my head though the nearest wall for over 24 hours - and apparently this is normal, considering the situation. Even cooking pão de queijo did not make me feel better - when cooking fails, that's when I know I'm truly screwed.

I need to let this out to someone before I blow my stack. Yes I am employed I got a somewhat better job but in doing so I had to move back to my home town,back to my parents house with them living in their. I work a crazy scheduled of 84 hr a week, with two days off a month, the only reason I took the job was because I thought it was going to be temporary but now its looking like they want me to stay on. In addition to all that I ended up having to move from all my friends that I made, all the places I loved to go to, I was even staring to try and date people, due to pressure from my family and ever day I come home I am angry. Pissed off that yet again I have to let my little life I had put together go away for the sake of my family, and I"m just so sick of it all I just want to pack my s**t and leave but, I cant because it would crush them. They keep saying oh its my life I can do what I want, in reality its just something they say to make themselves feel better because they know I am miserable here.

To adthomas

That sounds awful and sort of good at the same time.

I personally could not, absolutely not, work more than 50 hours a week - how do you stand being in public that much?

At the same time, consider you have family that accepts you (it sounds like they do). In some ways, I would trade places with you in an instant. I was adopted and I really don't have any family.
If I could give any advice it could only come from my limited understanding of your situation, but I think I would tell you to simply persevere as long as you can. I know I wouldn't last long at 84 hours a week unless I had some serious motivation (like maybe an ounce of weed a week) - not much could make me work that hard.


If you can help people, that is amazing, but really, if you are Aspie, it may be you that truly needs the help, try to keep things in perspective.
I have a 'hero' complex like many of us, but at some point, I know I have limits even if I don't want to acknowledge it. Remember to consider 'you' in what you do and how you feel. It is not selfish to consider your role in a situation if it makes you suffer and hurt.

On a depressing note, it seems that some people should simply be left to their own devices, maybe your family needs to take more responsibility for themselves. Talk to them about future plans if you can (a future where you don't work 80+ hours a week). It is never to soon to consider the future.

Keep it up! But don't let anyone make you destroy yourself, that just isn't fair. At the very least, focus on the endgame, how you plan on going beyond your current sitch.

This is funny, I am giving advice on life, and I am the quintessential failure!

Don't give up.

Starting to realize that every major decision I've ever made in my life has been a mistake. I feel like I had to make those choices because I couldn't live with the "What If"s but .. now that I know what's at the end of each of those roads.. I should have made a different choice. My life would be better off. I guess that's why they say hindsight is 20/20.

Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do with this realization and if there is some way to salvage my future.

Why is it that almost every time I offer an opinion, I get criticized? Did I offend them? If I did, then I'm really sorry. They need to know, though, that I can't always accept criticism as well as I should. It really hurts because being criticized is like being yelled at, and I don't appreciate it at all. For once, I would like at least one positive compliment from my opinions, even a "that's an interesting concept" is acceptable.

One of the people I share house with is dishonest as the day is long.
I challenged him on it. Other people then challenged him on it.
Now he blames me for other peope not trusting him instead of working out why they don't trust him.
He lies and lies and lies and expects to get away with it like he used to, before they realised what was happening and stopped believing him.

I contacted a close female friend from high school on Facebook this morning, not married; she added me this morning and then blocked and/or deleted me this afternoon. I am very pissed off!! Also, no woman will give me the time of day as far as dating goes, I signed up on lots of online dating sites, not ONE woman, regardless of age, will go out with me, and I am a decent guy!! ! I have had it!! !

Both my parents' health has been iffy lately. They're not very ill, but I don't like to see them in pain. It upsets me. I'm starting to realise they won't be around forever.

I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself: settling for a sub-par partner with some naive notion that everything will be great as long as we love eachother. I don't have very high standards and I am not hard to please. Not compared to the media depiction of a typical woman, anyway. (Not sure how accurate that is, really, but that's what I'm going on). I never really ask for anything I just wanted someone who would work hard for us and our family. I am not sure if I am just crazy or what. It seems like, now, looking at that man.. why would I ever marry him? Am I just that stupid? I've done this twice now. Thinking for a few years that everything is wonderful and we will be together forever and then kind of "waking up" after about 5 years and going.. uuh... I think I could have done better. Could I have done better? Or am I just fooling myself? I want someone who doesn't lie/twist the truth or play "power games." I do have that. But I am also starting to think that I should have insisted on a man who was also decent looking, fit with my preferences in bed, had an established career and had a bit more of a "responsible" or "take charge" attitude so that I don't have to organize everything all the time and dictate what needs to be done. I don't like doing that. I just do it because it's the only way anything will get done. Does that sound like an unreasonable list? I really have no idea. Maybe it is. Historically, I get into these cycles where ... I start to feel bad about something and I have plenty of evidence to support it... but then I talk to someone and they say something about how it's not that bad and reasons why things are going pretty well.. and then all my evidence seems to evaporate. So I honestly have no idea whether I convince myself of things that aren't true to be negative or if I allow someone else to convince me of something that is positive and isn't true. I went through this exact same thing with my previous marriage. The guy was a total as*hole to me but any time I talked to him about it he would talk about how hard he's trying and what good things he DOES do for me and I'd end up feeling guilty that I ever doubted him. I am going through that same cycle with my husband now :/ I understand that nothing is perfect and that marriages take work. But is it reasonable for me to want to be with a man who has anger management issues, is overweight, can't hold down a job, has a small-bordering-on-micro penis, doesn't like to bite/be bitten, never has any ambition to do anything unless prompted by me, and basically has no practical skill whatsoever? He is very smart and philisophical and has lots of intangible good qualities but nothing real. When it's time to improve something on the house, I'm the one who researches how to do it and the prices of materials and finds a contractor. When we purchased the house in the first place I was the one finding all the listings, researching the house buying process, I found us a realtor and a mortgage broker. I make all the income and I handle all the finances. What do I need him for? What did he provide to me? He cleans the house and makes a very limted and simple supper for me when I get home (e.g. noodles). The problem is that he's just not capable of much more than that. And it is not fair to punish him for something he can't help. I just wish he wasn't this way. Why did I marry him in the first place, you ask? I admired many of his intangible qualities and his intelligence. He was in school for a career track that was supposed to be high demand and well paying. And, simply, I am incredibly naive. I really think that's it. Because I keep doing this over and over. I really should just be alone. I don't feel like I ask much but I end up not getting it anyway. I don't understand. :/ It's actually very scary how closely the pattern follows what happened the last time. That indicates its a problem with my psyche, doesn't it? Maybe I just like playing the victim and saying "Oh poor me I'm so awesome and my mate is so bad." Maybe I get into sup-par relationships because I have some perverse desire to be the "bigger person." I know for a fact my mother really f****d with my sense of self-worth by constantly telling me that I didn't matter and was not allowed to have an opinion. Maybe taking on a project like this makes me feel like a worthwhile person. Maybe I need some serious therapy.