Rants

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I give up.
Call me he, she, his, her, it.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't.
Matter.

Why am I crying?

Doesn't matter.

I must be the most f****d up individual in the history of fuckedupedness.

Oy. Oyyy.

I just, ehh. I..

I don't know.

I don't know.

Panic attacks from hell all day today. Always in the shower for some reason, I dont know if its because water is a tactical stimulation thing, that pushes me over the edge or what but man does it suck.

I think this all started because I almost drown in the Pacific ocean when I was a kid. So now water triggers panic in me. Haha

I know somewhere inside of you there is a human.
And I know somewhere inside of that human there is a person that loves me.

...But how do I find them?

Why the f**k do you keep yelling at me? You're horrid. I don't like you. I can't live with this.

I can't help it, geez!

...I don't understand. I-I really don't understand. And I don't know if I ever will.

It's just... I don't want this for you. And I don't think you want it either, and I don't think they want it either.

I want you to be happy.

But most importantly, I want me to be happy.

Nothing-- and I mean nothing-- is ever about me. Every single fricking, dicking that you do-- every. thing. is either about you or your idea about what you want for me.

I. don't. care, man.

Looking for work is a bummer.

This isn't a rant.
I don't know where else to put this.
Yesterday, I turned into a monster.
I wanted to kill someone, either myself or someone else.
I raged and swore at people.
I had to be restrained from self-harming and also from harming others.
I have NEVER felt like this before.
I've never wanted to harm other people before.
If those drugs are going to mess me up like this I would rather throw them all away and die.

^ Do you know how many times I've had to be restrained for both valid and non valid reasons?

Welcome to dark side Raleigh

I just raged and swore at people to get out of my house when they were completely in their right to be here, you are not a monster. I might be but you are not.

I don't wanna live in a war zone.

But why does everything have to be one?

I can't breath
Drowning in anxiety
Please don't make me face the world
I can't, its too much

^ dexamethosone.
And levetiracetam, trimethoprim, sulphamethoxazole, pantoprazole, temozolomide
And two anti-nausea medications.
A cocktail of chemicals.