Thank you, everyone...

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...for putting up with my rants. There is a lot of truth in what I say and how I feel. I do feel like a mistake of sorts, a complete outcast. But there are things in life I do enjoy...listening to and playing music, watching whatever TV show interests me at the moment, watching movies, going out occasionally, good food, screwdrivers, watching sports, beautiful scenic areas, thinking about good stuff when my mind isn't depressed.

I just wasn't built for this rat race called life. The way drivers treat each other on the road, or co-workers treat each other. I don't understand how people have the ability to tolerate douchebags and jerks unless they are one, which everyone isn't.

As it is, I'm not going to a surprise birthday party for my grandmother (saw her a couple weeks ago anyway) because family will be there where there's mutual dislike. I can't put on a phony face for a few hours. Just not capable.

I just need to find the right combination of meds, to avoid these extreme lows. The real me isn't someone who wants death. The real me is the guy listening to a song he likes, or thinking about good memories, or watching a movie or just bonding with family.

I didn't think there was anything to put up with. I just thought you were hurting and need to vent.

I know how that is. Unfortunately.. i'm right there with you.

I've been complaining constantly about work lately. I hate dealing with my co-workers, majority are douchebags. But the way I look at it is a means to an end and not the end itself. It just seems confusing how these people are sometimes the ones that get ahead in a work environment tho.

Incredibly draining, dealing with such people can just live you feeling lifeless.

As far as your grandmothers party.. been there too, sometimes its better for me not go to things. Or go for a short while and leave and if I think there's going to be a major issue, just a phone call wishing the best.

You just need to develop different coping strategies, try taking a timeout if driving becomes too much or spend time walking if you can, driving tends to be more difficult for those of us on the spectrum because of poor motor coordination and processing. At least you have some positive memories of spending time with your family and listening to music, emphasize on these and realize what truly makes you happy, live your life to your own standards of happiness and fulfillment and not the expectations that society or people push you towards.

I'm wondering how much of my problem is not having any goals, even small goals. I mean, right now I'm in the middle of forming a new band, and it's given me something to shoot for...getting better as a group and having enough songs down to gig eventually.

Earlier this year I was exercising a lot...but I was doing that with ulterior motives...wanting bigger muscles so I could go to the same exact family parties I hate and wear tight shirts and show off some athletic body. I wasn't doing it because I truly deep down actually cared about getting that way.

With music...I'm not doing it with any ulterior motive. I just had a rehearsal and that in and of itself was satisfying even though we're a long way from where we need to be.

Unfortunately, other than music, most activities don't interest me that much. I like to take pictures, but as an occasional hobby, not as a passion. And with music, it's not something where there is a lot of money. Everyone else in the band is going to school full time or working full time.

I'm unable because of the Aspergers to work a job that I don't enjoy and am not qualified for to begin with. Not interested, and don't have the natural ability to just fake the funk day after day and like I said deal with the douchebags that come with it.

Like I also mentioned, watching TV shows/movies makes me happy, but you can't depend on that. That's just a distraction, not something to build on.

I'd like a girlfriend, but I'm picky about physical attraction (not looking for a "hot mainstream girl" just looking for someone I think is hot) and want a true connection, not just pretending and going along with it because "it's better than nothing." Would rather be alone than settle.