isolated existentialism...

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TBH I'm not even really sure why I'm posting in this section. For that matter I don't even have much of anything to write about, I'm staying extremely busy considering the mental, economic and indeed otherwise multifaceted roller coaster I find myself on this year. Being married to my work is keeping me alive within the fractious social landscape my peers inexorably keep shifting around me. There's a dearth of love around here; I've been getting rained on for a month or so, I don't really mind that but everyone else sure does. My summer just isn't getting started the way I planned; none of my project bikes are coming together because there's just too much business interest in my technical abilities. Skill is basically my only fall back in terms of how I plan to survive. Wits alone... woohoo... To complicate matters even further, the one girl I have any real report with (weekly bike rides) doesn't seem to be back from college yet and I really do not want to bother her with my aimless, platitude-riddled text messages. I've afforded myself ONE vice this month: coffee. That's it and that's all.

I'm just tired of watching those who 'demand' view some of the most amazing, insightful, creative and frankly beautiful people I know as 'supply'. It's morally reprehensible to say the least and I'm seeing it wear my generation down at a completely unacceptable rate. I think Bob's son, Damian Marley said it best - "Pay no mind to the youth, 'cause it's not like the future depends on them." 98% of everyone ignores our morality, the scale of the global mess we're tasked with cleaning up and crucially our hearts and minds. I'm deathly sick of being derided over my love affair with the future, because it's a better investment than blindly following whip-cracking investors and living by statistics.

What I need to know is how to sublimate all this condensed pressure alone, without spending every day hiding from everyone I know in the library.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Actually it sounds as if you're in a fairly good place at the moment: your self-knowledge is excellent, your appraisal of the world around you is lucid and balanced, and you have what sounds like an interesting job that makes use of your skills.

Don't distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy your coffee.

I guess I'll take your word for it. Not too many people call my work a job - it's interesting all right, I work most of my waking hours on building better resources for power users of the Internet and coders. The part everyone seems to hate about that is that it makes them feel out of touch and that the vast majority of my work is voluntary. People think coders are f*****g leprechauns. I meanwhile am not even sure if I have a thousand dollars to my name. As a result I'm alone in a big empty house with the cat most days and I'm not sure I've ever been this numb. Perhaps I will text my friend... bursting bubbles have been a recurring theme of my year anyway. You're probably right about the lucidity, I awoke at 4PM today still dreaming about Casimir effects and death metal. These would seem to be my side effects of being trapped in suburbia...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Are you saying you don't get paid for what you do?

For the most part. I bug squash for Mozilla as much as possible, I test free operating systems, I'm about to start consulting in IT for my old high school down the street (also voluntary), I live eat sleep and breathe technology because I'm impatiently waiting for the day when the space sciences need more geeks than they can get the traditional way. I've taken lots of contractual jobs but no one ever pays somebody like me enough to survive, and I mean nobody. My efforts now are focused on building projects of my own I can request donations for. My approach to technology is pretty much monastic, since it basically defined my whole existence. I never did this for the money as a kid and the whole industrial ethos just feels wrong, because it kills people in China and destroys them stateside. I'm even pretty upfront about my ASD, since it's just about the only concise way to help friends understand my bizarre life, not that I disclose it at work. I just can't decide if I should wholeheartedly rejoin humanity or go full-on hermit and vanish into some nice mountains to just live in peace for my remaining ~70 years. The latter sounds nice, considering the fact I hear about other people's money problems from my dad every other day.

There was another thread about this just last week, only that poor guy had been ignoring the fact that he's not a machine for a decade longer, and he might have a degree. I'm basically a serf, the only difference is that I can choose to be philanthropic as opposed to being treated like livestock...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I see. Very interesting. And commendable.

Do you have a means to make a living, otherwise?

Wow sorry Kraftie that was a lot of typos... No not really, I'm kind of working on it but mental drain is a factor for sure. I might be able to start in fall as a hire driver on Lyft/Uber but I'm not sure about my record. Any number of people might start paying me for tech work/research at the drop of a hat but I'm sure not holding my breath.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos