A difficult decision, regret, mental pain

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Hi all-

It's great to have a nice community to turn to when issues in life get out of hand.

I'm feeling stressed right now. This issue is a bit complex but let me try to make it simple. Basically, I am from a bi-ethnic family. I live in the states and my extended family lives overseas (6,000 miles away!).

I haven't always related to them a lot, but I haven't been there in 6 years. There are plenty of stressors -- my gender identity (I dress as a male mainly, but I'm a female), my general personality, my interests, and more, do not align with the conservative culture in general. However, I needed to get a feel for that community again as an adult just out of curiosity.

My mom is a bit unpredictable and randomly asked me if I'd go since my entire family is over there right now -- only 6 days in advance. I had already had plans to meet with one of my childhood best friends and his family, but I was so torn that I broke those plans to go overseas. I think this was a very analytical decision --- I wanted to prove I could do things spontaneously, I feared it would be one of the only easy opportunities in my adult life to do this (college finishes next year, then I work or get a master's), and I felt like I didn't want to disappoint anyone.

Now I'm going tomorrow, I realize I don't actually relate to my family all that well, I won't get to see my friend for months, and the break in my routine is so disorienting that I haven't slept in days anticipating it. Now that I made the choice (which was HARD), I'm so tired, so stressed, and all I want to do is stay home and do my normal summer thing.

I am trying to look at the good things. I'll reconnect with old relatives, see a cool country for a week or so, and glean information about my identity that will probably help me make decisions in the future in an easier way (hopefully).

How can I feel like I haven't made such a bad choice? How can I cope with the loss of not seeing my best friend, and the guilt I have over that decision? How can I just....chill?! My brain is on fire! I hate unpredictable stress and change. It's so hard for me, and this scenario is so ridiculous. I feel angry my mother is such a "random" person and doesn't really act in a way that makes sense to me. I just wish I would have gone with my "gut," or felt my instincts more clearly and acted on them.

Thanks everyone

You're describing something very similar to one of the situations I get into every year. My family begs me to go with them to Illinois, to visit extended family. It never turned out well, mostly because I would shut down from all of the new stimuli. I find that doing something repetitive can help the trip move along until you get adjusted to your new surroundings. I'm sorry that you're stuck going on the trip! Good luck, and let me know how it goes.