Loss of control and direction

Post Reply New Topic

Since I have graduated, I am in the process of moving back home with my family as I am not financially stable enough to rent my own place yet. I always knew I would miss the independence, but I would like to think the situation I'm going into won't last forever.

The problem is that I am realizing just how unstructured life at home really is, which is making me feel very anxious. What's worse is my employment situation isn't good, so I've got no money. My mother and sister both work and they're barely getting by, so I'm worried I'm a burden on them.

I've applied for unemployment benefits so that I can afford basic necessities while I am looking for a job, but I'm terrified that I won't get any help. I've been on benefits before and it's a humiliating process because they make you feel like a leech for just needing help. The government wants to be harsher towards poor and vulnerable people and their ruining the economy, which means I'll be lucky if I get a zero hour contract, even with a Bachelor's degree.

As for work in my chosen field, I haven't gotten any offers yet, but that doesn't worry me. What concerns me is that my best chances for finding work would be to move to a different country, but I don't have the money to do that yet. I could always work on some small freelance stuff or maybe personal projects, just to brush up on my skills. However, my employment prospects don't look good for this year.

And on top of that, there's a lot of friction at home. My family fight all the time because, frankly, they're overworked and underpaid. My mother's health is quickly declining and we're all worried for her. My grandfather also has alzhiemers and that causes a lot of stress in the household. My mother and eldest uncle have power of attorney for my grandparents, partly because neither of them trust each other when it comes to the welfare of my grandparents. He wants to put them in a home, but Mum doesn't want that to happen. Neither do I. I think they should get care in their own home, especially because my grandfather would be very distressed in a place he doesn't recognize.

My mother is not optimistic and she's not good at dealing with her emotions head on, so it is left to fester until she explodes. It causes my older sister stress, who is trying to study for uni. Both of them get angry at each other so much and while I try to keep the peace, I cant really do much. It's just hard to boost my morale when I feel so powerless.

I know that nobody is ever in control of everything, but how do I go through all this and still retain some semblance of dignity and agency? I feel like I lack control in so many fundamental areas of my life and I need that to become a fully functioning person. I'm feeling frightened about the future (which is a given), but I need to know that something will get better for me.

I don't want to hear some crap about how none of my problems matter in the cosmic sense. I'm painfully aware of the inevitability of death. I would just like to live what little time I have in my life with dignity.

It sounds like there's much stress in the family. I'm sorry you have go through this right after you've graduated.

Try not to think of all this as your fault in some way. I believe, especially if you help take care of your grandfather, that you are not a burden to the family. In fact, it could be said that you're an asset. Alzheimer's is very difficult.

Don't worry LOL...I'm not into the "cosmic" BS myself. Life is real, dealing with other people is real.

If you don't mind me asking: what is your chosen field? Does it have something to do with writing?

I am always wary of absolute words, like 'fully functioning person.' I don't even know what that would look like. No one is. We are all good in some things, not so great in others. So, if it is possible for you, I would say practice a lot of kindness to yourself. You are making choices in the face of challenges coming at you. Even though you might feel not a whole lot in control, you have more control than you think you do in terms of continuing to make one choice at a time. You are being brave and showing courage. You will learn how to manage life better over time; living productive, meaningful lives is a learned art. Be patient with yourself. Show yourself lots of kindness. Know that you are 'good enough' in the moment. And believe that things WILL be better (in cycles, and then things will be worse again). That is just the nature of life. You are doing the best you can in the moment, and that is all any of us can do. Don't get taken in by the images in the world of people who 'have it together.' No one does.