Favortism in family..

Post Reply New Topic

Here I am again.. quite possibly complaining about things that don't matter a whole lot because I can't change anything in it..

I've just been having a lot of self destructive feelings/thoughts again.. My sister graduating from high school.. her party is tomorrow. I'm very happy about this and for her, I know she's been wanting out of school just as long as I did at that point.. I'm okay with my sister, I'd say I'm closer to her than to my brother. But I want to see them both go off and do the best they can.

But with graduating.. I realize.. Everyone seems to glorify what my sister has done and acted in the past. I guess she was always celebrated more than me, I've come to realize.. She's viewed by other family members as if she has her life right, dead on track. She knows where she's going and she's gone through some really tough times, couch surfing (by her own choice, because she didn't want to live at my father's (her step-father) due to the rules of the house), and she just had amazing grades and this and that..

While I was always the "troubled" child.. who apparently didn't know what I was doing in college..
I don't think its that I was troubled, I know I was depressed.. severely.. but everyone blamed it on the divorce between my parents. But I think it was because I was so quiet, I didn't want people around me.. I was often perceived as rude or angry all the time when I was most likely not. I was very sullen when no one wanted to be around me or do anything with me, I will admit that. It was hard to smile when no one was there with you to do that with.

I've never drank, did drugs, I was well behaved. I did what I was told.. I always did well in school until about freshman year in high school... school just got to a level where I couldn't catch up fast enough for a bit, it was okay. But I still got high honors at the end of school and I often maintained honors and above throughout my four years.. Not to say my sister didn't maintain her grades, of course she did sports (I was incapable..), she was skinny (I was not), she dressed in better outfits and had better social skills (both of which she soars above me still..). I don't resent her, I've always wanted to see her succeed, we still talk about our future plans and she was my best friend growing up but I'm starting to resent my parents.

I've had to fight my way through life, deal with depression and unhealthy eating habits on my own. I was never helped like she was.. She had three caring parents (stepdad, mother and father) and I feel that I've just had none. My father won't help me with my housing situation, I think he's sick of being around me (his words were 'its not you, its just i dont want anyone extra in the house anymore'). I know I've probably asked for too much in the past, but that's when I was a kid. Like an actual kid, not when I was out of school.. And I know at around nine years old I completely shut everyone out, I came home from school and went to bed. I didn't eat dinner, I did homework at school.. I was out like a light, I was extremely depressed and I was given no help for it. I hadn't even known I needed help until later, like now.

Yet, my sister spoke to a therapist two days a week for seasonal depression and general anxiety until she was sixteen years old. My parents paid for it and everything.. They went out of their way to get her to the dentist, the chiropractor, the doctors, they paid for piano lessons and girl scouts.. they had to pay for fees for sports and band.. They were just so much more giving to her and they still are. I was lucky to have a physical every year, I was never brought to the doctors when I was sick.. ever.. But when my sister had an upset stomach everyone stopped what they were doing and it was just full attention to the kid. She was taken over her friend's houses, I had a few friends but not once did 'plans work out' for them to take me over.. my sister could have friends over, yet I couldn't.. My friends only existed in school.

They helped pay for a car and car insurance when she got her first car at fifteen. She destroyed that first car within two years, had it rebuilt (which my father paid half of) and then she destroyed it entirely.. And it was only five years old... My sister has gone through two cars, and is on her third one which is a 2016 leased vehicle. Her father(not mine) paid for it, but she is only eighteen... Her second car is a Benz, and she wont drive it because her father is sick of her hitting things with a 20k car.. So he got her a 27k car (figure that one out).

I didn't get my first car until I was eighteen.. and I still have it and drive it every day.. in perfect shape and it is fifteen years old this year, is worth probably 3k at the max. I had to pay for car insurance by myself from the start, I've had to do everything myself involving the car.. Which I'm okay with, it is my car... I take care of it really well. I love my car.

My father keeps me at a distance and yet my sister isn't, and my sister isn't even his biological child... But 'it isnt you' just sends that 'yeah, its you. but im going to lie to you' message..

Everyone just goes 'your sister has such great prospects, she will go far', but I'm the one that gave college a shot so far.. I'm the one that has had to deal with a bunch of crap in my life thats not even fair and that no one else in the family had to deal with. I'm the one that's been struggling, I'm the loser of the family, but I've been making ends meet. I feel so overlooked, my plans in life are not worthy enough to garner any positive attention. Going back to college isn't good enough for anyone but myself, a career in art is not good enough for anyone but myself.. And I know, things like that shouldn't matter but they do? I feel that my self confidence and self worth has suffered for so long because I never got anything out of my parents.. no praise, no one was proud or happy for me.. I was never encouraged to do things or offered to do things I showed interest in.

No one but my mother has shown interest in my artwork, photography, or any of my artistic pursuits... My father probably thinks its a waste of time, he works a physically demanding job and art was never an interest of his. I can understand, but I see value in hard work all the same. I wish I could do it.. I've seen him build houses from the ground/foundation up and its amazing, he's always teaching me something I never knew before... but thats not the same as 'i love you'.. which he never says to me.

I'm really sick of life, I'm sick of not being loved by people that I love. All they have to say is 'well, maybe you should try college again. you've changed a lot since you were eighteen' but in reality, I haven't changed one bit.. as a person.. maybe I'm much more social, maybe I'm less quiet.. maybe I know how to communicate better than I use to know but I'm not any different now than I was several years ago in college, or 'have you asked god if college is your best option?' what does that even mean? Why wouldn't college be my best option.. Am I not intelligent enough and I just don't see it? What do they see..? Do I even want to know?

I've had and met a lot of goals in my life, and I've probably had just about the same (if not more) that I never met or are still waiting to be met. But no one seems to notice the good ones, not even the family that is the closest. My coworkers probably know my goals better than immediate family and I hardly speak with my coworkers about them.

I conclude that I'm not worth much to my family, not like my sister.. She's worth the world to them. But why is she worth more than me.. I don't understand.

My father is that way about my sisters. I am the oldest of five. I am male and have a brother who was also ignored by my father. My next younger sibling is the one I grew up with. She's NT, not a single Aspie trait or so the test says. When I was fifteen my parents divorced. They remarried when I was sixteen and immediately divorced again. My dad met someone who didn't yell at him and throw things at him so he married her. She already had a son and they had two daughters together. The youngest three grew up as the only three and my sister and I were someone else's problem. My sister was always invited over to my dad's and I was not. Later, my dad and my step mother moved away and the three youngest didn't see me again for many years. The youngest of those three had everything she wanted from day one. When I was a boy I wanted to play drums so I bought a beat-up drum set from a pawn shop with money I earned. My youngest sister was given a super nice drum set with everything. She got any instrument she wanted. She got to play sports which I didn't because we didn't have good enough insurance when I was in high school. My dad ever coached her team. When I graduated boot camp, my dad never flew in to see me which he could have for free since he was still on active duty at the time.

When my (step) brother started having emotional trouble, instead of getting him counseling they put him in a hospital which scarred him. His roommate committed suicide while he was there and he couldn't stop it.

Now my youngest sister is married with two boys and living with my dad. Her husband was living there too until last month when my dad finally told my sister to ask him to leave if he's not going to pay rent or go to school. Her husband is almost forty now. My dad had been paying all of their bills including their car payments and insurance.

There is so much more but I think I have said enough for now.

I have some idea what you are going through but I don't feel my story can compare. I basically had to write off my dad and His family and just go my own way. I don't know if any of this helps but I wanted to say something helpful if I could.