I just want to give up

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Nothing makes me happy, I don't know what I want, and here are some things people told to me when I shared how I felt on a support site.

"a hole"
"not right minded"
"beyond help"
"you're not letting us help you"
"jerk"
"I don't want to enable you"
"you're stuck in helplessness"
"you have no problems"
"no wonder everyone ignores you if you're like this"
"self-entitled"

I suppose that's what I get for asking for help. And if the jackass who knows wrong planet exists and directed me here is reading this and did stalk me even after you insisted you wouldn't, screw you and go away.

And they're right and I know it. I'm just an a**hole looking for excuses to be the way I am. Nothing is wrong with me. Everything is my fault. I'm not autistic, I'm looking for excuses to be the horrible, self-entitled person I am and they're the only people who have told me the truth.

And for that reason I really just don't want to exist anymore. I am a horrible excuse for a human and only now noticing it. Everyone does everything for me and I still am not happy and that's awful of me. I'm just a stuck up brat who shouldn't be alive and is taking up resources for those worth more. There is a reason nobody likes me and for that same reason I should cease to exist.

I just need to cut myself off completely and find a way. I don't want to cause any pain to those with attachments to me and I don't want my inevitable death to inconvenience others in the same way being alive is doing so. So I don't want anyone having to scrape my body off the front of a train or anything. It'd be traumatic for the train driver and disgusting for the cleaner. Any ideas?

What's going on?

I've become self aware.

Are you upset something that happened here or elsewhere?

No, I'm mad at myself for being so repulsive.

Those negative things you wrote seemed like other people telling you that and I know I believe it when people act that way....sometimes they don't even mean it they're just annoyed by something and behave in a cruel and unfair way without intending the harm they cause.

I'm sorry you're so down right now. Are you in the U.S.?

No, they were telling me the truth which is something I haven't been told in a long time.

And no, I'm not.

Try meditation, going for a walk, anything to help feel better. If you have meds, take the right dose, or if you drink, have a few sips of some booze or drink some tea or coffee. Really, give it an hour and then start being practical. Being in this terrible mood won't make you less dependent or less entitled, and it definitely won't protect the feelings of those who are attached to you. Being in a better mood and doing some practical things to support yourself is the only thing that will. You might have to start small and take things slowly. What is your level of dependency?

Level of dependency? I'm a useless piece of s**t who will never achieve anything. Forever a burden. A complete dumbass who should not exist.

Do you live with your parents? Have chores or anything similar? Do you ever cook meals for yourself? Drive?

Live with my parents, not really but if they ask me to do something like take the clothes out the drier I do that, I can do the very basics like I can put pasta in a pan and heat it and I can microwave sauce for it, I'm learning to drive.

What would make you happy?

No idea. I just don't know.

That sounds like a decent level of independence, especially since you are making progress with it.

It might be painful right now but try to remember the last time you did not feel so hopeless. What was going right for you back then? What were you doing that could have been helping you feel better?

I was in a bubble, unaware of reality.

I don't really know what people mean when they say they're going to their "happy place" but if you know, you could try that.

I sometimes visualize nature or animals and feel more peace.

You could also maybe call a hotline?

If you are still in school, is that a relief or just more stress?

I know it often can be difficult to put into words what has set things off so you feel so bad, and sometimes people don't understand, but while I can't say I understand what you are going through exactly, I do think it safe to say just about all of us here have been through being treated like trash at some point.....so yeah, we all get that, if that's any consolation at all to you.