Disappointed with my boyfriend

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My boyfriend has been a heavy smoker for years, but about a month ago he promised he will quit, for the sake of his health, and my health. And he did. I was surprised, but he did it. I hadn't smelt smoke on him or his breath or in his flat. I told him how impressed I was, and I haven't been lying awake worrying about his lungs.

But all of a sudden, after a long drive, we arrived to where we are staying for a vacation, and he said he really wanted a smoke. Feeling sick with disappointment, I asked why, and he said he was stressed from driving too much. I asked if there was any other stress-relieving ways without abusing his lungs, and I even offered to buy him some beer, but he said that it had to be cigarettes.

So I suppose he's going to get hooked again. After a month of being strong and willing. His cough has even sounded healthier and his breathing has been regular during sleep. It really did put my mind at rest.

I suppose non-smokers here will be on my side, and smokers here will say smoking is the best stress medication and that I'm just a nagging b***h. Excuse me but I know what stress feels like, I have an anxiety disorder, but I don't abuse my body and think I'm "curing" myself.

Cigs do have a cathartic effect about them but they're absolutely not worthwhile, unless like some friends of mine you're an existential scholar of the humanities with too much spare time. You're not nagging, you just need to be deadly serious about this one thing. I told one of said friends of mine I'd bonk the nicotine out of him with a rolled newspaper. Its' worked wonders, but sadly is not permanent. Cold turkey quitting wasn't so difficult for me but I know I'm in the minority. Vaporizers or just switching to cannabis are probably the two safest routes, I write from experience.

It happens to all smokers. Addictions are hard to kick. It took my mother several years of on and off attempts to finally quit... and she didn't 'quit' completely...she now uses an e-cig of zero nicotine. So yes, she's no longer smoking tobacco or nicotine but she still has the lifelong habit of puffing smoke.

As for your BF ... next time offer to kiss him instead of him smoking.

Nicotine is an addiction much like others. In my personal experience, and that from working with many addicts, 30 days of abstinence is nice and necessary but relapses after such a short period are not uncommon.

I know more than a few alcoholics with many years of recovery who find kicking nicotine addiction to be as hard or harder than dealing with alcohol.

I truly hope you could persuade him to never smoke again.

Tell him to call QUIT's hotline: 0800 00 22 00

Get him to try electric cigarettes, they helped a lot of people quit and can be smoked without any significant health risks.

I promise you there is absolutely nothing more difficult in this world than quitting smoking. It's easy for you to say he should just quit, but it is so, so, so very much more complicated than just putting the cigarette down and saying no more. There's cold sweats, there's cravings, there's having your mood greatly affected. After smoking his whole life it's not just going to be night and day for him to adjust to new stress coping methods either.

The best you can do is show empathy and patience, he probably wants to quit and wants to be healthier for the both of you.. I don't doubt that at all. But I urge you to understand how painfully f*****g difficult it is to quit smoking, telling him "don't do it" is not going to work very well.

I KNOW how hard it is to quit smoking. When he first told me that he's definitely giving up on said day, I actually said ''are you sure you will be able to do it? It will be really hard...'' And he was all like ''yes, I can do it if I put my mind to it, I promise you.'' I didn't hold my hopes out, so I just quietly waited for the day. And from the day he said he'll stop smoking, he DID stop smoking. Then I thought of a few other people I know who used to be heavy smokers then literally quit cold turkey, and had a few meltdowns from desperately craving a smoke but then got through the habit - and now they cannot bear even the smell of smoke from cigarettes and can naturally live without smoking and are now happy, like they've never smoked in the beginning. And I thought maybe that might happen to my boyfriend. But I suppose everyone's different.

Please don't assume then imply that I'm ''lacking empathy'', just because I'm an Aspie. I hate when people do that.

it had nothing to do with you being aspie, it had more to do with the fact that you don't smoke, therefore you can't show empathy

Yes, everyone is. My mother went through what your BF did for many years. Unless you've had that addiction/habit you really have no idea how it is like to quit.

Its not a matter of empathy, its a matter of perspective. I'm guessing this is also the first time you've had close contact with someone trying to quit and are witnessing the process for the first time. Its one thing to hear about other people quitting and another to actually live the process with someone close to you.

It takes patience from you and lots of willpower from him to make it happen.

my father tried to stop smoking for 20 years, every 3 or 4 years another try or so.
at the moment he hasnt been smoking for i think a bit more than a year.
the longest time he managed to stop yet.

Smoking in general causes a negative effect. It's unhealthy to even consider someone to stop for any reason. The stress level is not due to driving. Driving is like riding a bike. Exercise is mainly used on the pedal. But in this case. Both of you need to make a less stressful situation maybe just maybe give some break of heavy puffing.

Also consider the difficulties he faces in the world outside of his home. Temptation and urges will hit him hard every time he sees someone else smoking or sniffs a cigarette or even when he sees an ashtray.

A college friend of mine, also trying to quit, gave me the best analogy once. He said 'Imagine being a sex addict undergoing therapy for it and who works as a lifeguard at a nudist beach'

Has he considered nicotine replacement therapy at all, like patches or gum? That could be an option.

Smoking is an addict thing and people sometimes do relapse because they crave it. If they smell it or see it, they may feel the urge to smoke and my husband is a former smoker and he told me he still gets that feeling sometimes but he stays away from cigarettes.

If it's too much for you to handle, you may have to break up and now you will know that smoking is a deal breaker. Sometimes we don't know what our deal breakers are until we experience them. Then we know for sure what we want in our partners and don't want.