So much pain!

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OMG. I'm having a bad day. I really just want to quit. I feel like banging my head on a wall to trade the pain with something physical and in the moment. f**k!

I won't do that because I have so much self control. I need to quarantine this s**t right now. Each time it comes up I start wanting go on a killing rampage. I swear to god I can't keep living like this. It is so hard. I want to do drugs and alcohol but I know that is bad. f**k!

How do I make it go away forever. I feel like punching a wall. I must quarantine. Remember your training.................................................................................................................................................................................. OK.

I can still feel it in the corner of mind. Scratching, but can manage a bit more. My therapist wants me to feel, but that will be a rode I will not take as I won't survive. If I begin to justify my actions by emotion there is no telling what I'll do to others or myself. I really need to hang myself. I'm such a coward. I don't have the constitution. I wish I did. I never wanted to play this game. It was a mistake. I can't keep lying to myself in order to continue playing.

I need someone to lock me up. f**k!! ! fuuuck!! ! I am literally on the threshold some days that I don't want to go outside. Medication is ineffective. It is only effective at extremely high doses but then why don't people just put me down. I don't want to play anymore. I have no one but myself. It still feels like I am in that room getting tortured.

I can't kill myself, either. It's frustrating, but I admit that I do have a third-person fondness for myself. It would be killing someone I love. So I endure existence, for the sake of me. I don't know if that makes me selfish, or altruistic.

You need something desperately that you have no faith in ever obtaining. You might not even know what it is. But you have to believe.

It makes sense for a computer to not believe in things without empirical data to back them up. But you are not a computer. You are a human, and you sometimes need to believe in things that don't make sense, in order for them to come true, or at least to get a moment's rest.

You have a beautiful, beautiful mind, that's singed all around the edges. I would love to hear more from you.

You mean I have to lie to myself to get by the god damn day. Tell myself to believe in something that violates all the laws of the universe to satisfy my desperate sense of entitlement. Yea.... No. I'm a scientist. I can live with doubt and uncertainty. It is a much more interesting life than to believe in something that might be wrong. I will no longer live in fear in that aspect of life. I know that I will truly never know everything. I accept that I can only have a close approximation to things.

I know how hard it is to truly know something. To do the work. To get the job done. And to be concerned for your safety last. Once you learn to do what is necessary there is no going back. I am only concerned in the real things. I see the world for how it is not for how it can be.

I always say this when I have bad days:
Heed my words struggler. Soon a rain of blood the likes of which you can not imagine shall fall down upon you. It will be a storm of death. But take heed struggler. Struggle... Endure... Contend... For that alone is the sword of one who defies death. Do not forget these words.

What is it that you want? Why do you want what you want? What's the point of defying death?

Science is great for understanding the world. It's pretty worthless at helping you decide what to do about it.

Last edited by cinnabot on 07 Jul 2015, 10:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you hit your head on a wall you're gonna get seizures and be even more depressed and tired.

Howdy, Mr. White Galactic Wiz. I'm Angie. Do you have your therapist's telephone number on you right now? I urge you to give them a call and talk with the oncall doctor. It sounds like you need to get back on the medications they had you on before even if its only for a little while. They will probably tell you to go to your closest ER and they can help since its late at night.

Listening to what you wrote I'm not sure but it sounds like PTSD?
(Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) You would have to say for sure since I don't know your diagnosis. What's happening with you sounds just like my Aspie friend that I have not heard anything from. He had went through something horrible in his childhood and forgot all about it and had developed MPD. His therapist took him off of some of his meds and it went downhill from there. He became very depressed and he had said his therapist wanted him to feel things too and to bring the personalities together as one. I couldn't believe they took him off his meds as an outpatient. He slowly stopped texting me and I knew he was severely depressed. I didn't even know what to do since I didn't live there. I still don't know what happened to him. I hope he's still alive. So, please, you need to call your therapist now or go to your closest ER and get some help.

I want to die more than anything but that might be the depression talking. I'm not entirely sure what I want and if its death, I want it to be a good death. Death gave me this life and I will grow it into something of value that she will enjoy taking. I also will want to take my own life by Seppuku. I have made a promise to myself that I will hold on until I do what I have to do to help my fellow aspies who are suffering. I am on schedule. I'm going to end my life at age 54.

Yes you are spot on. I have PTSD, MPD, and I am an Aspie. The triple threat. Rule of 3. My therapist would freak and hold me back from my mission, people get scared too easily. Everyone is afraid of there own shadow. I say these things because I can, I've seen. Unlike most folks I actually know what I am. I went into the void and remembered.

I gained a bunch of knowledge that will help aspies. I lost some things on the journey coming back. Like my ability to fall in love, and if I do fall in love it will surely kill me. Also how I am able to do synchronicity wave traveling. I've donated a bunch of money to non profits anonymously. Titles and rewards disgust me. I just need to do what I came here to do, enjoy the sights one last time, then check out.

My Aspie friend was a wonderful, funny person when he was on his meds. I couldn't believe the change when they took him off of his antidepressants. He also said that at first his doctors didn't want to bring out the other personalities because it can really mess up a person. Then he said one day that they were going to try to bring the personalities together and I then started losing connection with him. Before that he was able to perform his job very well, taught other new employees. Because of his MPD he was losing big patches of time and he said another personality was doing his job. He would then travel home on the train and drive home which took over 2 hrs time. As soon as he went home he was "a robot". He said he lived a dark life that I wouldn't want to know about - he had no feelings (only felt anger) and was a cutter just so he could feel something - feeling pain made him feel something, no pictures or personal items in the house (they triggered no memories or feelings) and he forgot about people as soon as they weren't right in front of him. He just stopped texting me altogether after sounding extremely depressed. He just never understood how special he was to me. I miss him every day and I keep wondering what happened to him.

It all made me even madder. I had left the Catholic church because of what the priests had done to all of those children. It was unforgivable. I never thought about what may have happened to those children later in life - then I met my Aspie friend. They ruined him. I will never go into another Catholic church again.

I don't know what caused your PTSD and MPD and I'll listen if you want to talk about it or you can PM me. I know you probably think that no one cares whether you live or die, but I really cared about my Aspie friend, I still cry over what happened to him and miss him everyday. I wish I could talk to him right this very second. I still have pictures of him and his cat McMews that I have on my computer and flash as screensavers. I told my Ma all about him and showed her his pictures which means he was indeed very special to me. I told him that when he wants me back in his life I will be here waiting. I just hope he doesn't forget me.

Keep living and keep fighting because you do matter.

You might as well not want to enter a school, a hospital, a kindergarden or any place that deals with kids anymore, since it happens in all these places too. But this is not the right thread to discuss such things, I believe.

I'm sure it does, but I'm not entering those establishments to follow a religion and pray with those people who are telling me how to live my life and forgiving me of my sins when they're sinning themselves even worse and covering it up.

You're right, this isn't the correct thread for this discussion. I wouldn't have brought up the subject if it wasn't related to my Aspie friend and what he has been having to deal with. And since you brought it up, you're right, there was also a teacher involved. What's funny is that the teacher ended up going to prison for 2 yrs and the priest got house arrest. Where's the justice in that? No wonder priests keep doing it - there's no real consequences. I'm tired of people still holding up for the priests and forgetting about the children involved. That's all I'm talking about the subject because each person has their own beliefs and this thread is supposed to be trying to help the OP.

I don't want to pollute this thread with OT things so I will send a PM if you don't mind it.

About the thread, what is this blood rain you talk about, OP?

The whole phrase is just a con of words to remind myself of the side effects that walking the path of synchronicity brings. Just what happens when you seize control in a moment of time to get what you want. You lose things and it never gets any easier but it is what I want. To survive. I always seem to have an answer, and if I don't the answer always finds me. People tend to break but not I. The trick is to allow yourself to breakdown and remember how you put the pieces back together long ago.

Its like breaking a watch to stop a moment in time so that you can seize an opportunity, except that you are instead breaking your soul. Reducing it to one thought, one instinct, one last show where all actions are possible if your willing to only ride the wave leaving behind your humanity you can say. Something like that

This purpose of this thread was to have the devil have his day in a controlled setting so I can keep it under control and use its power.

Everyone uses the powers of the devil. The devil is known as the shadow by Carl Jung. Everyone has it. The next 2000 years is about accepting this aspect within ourselves. One that religion has told us to ignore, thus, the reason priests molest children. They bury these impulses without acknowledging them and after a while they commit the act they were so against. God and the devil lives within each one of us. Ignoring it won't save you from them. Autistic children know this but in a world where old habits of ignoring the devil/shadow aren't talked about it causes us great pain. People on the spectrum always seem to say bad things to some and creep people out. But it isn't them doing the creeping it is the person listening because he has chosen to ignore the devil/shadow.

I have done experiments on this and have documented it. It is fascinating. Religious people especially, ask someone hardcore religious if he would kill anyone. Everytime you'll hear a hard no, but it is so funny. Those people are the ones most prone to killing because they hide away from their devil/shadow. More people have died in the sake of religion than any other cause. So I laugh because they tell me that I don't know, and they mark me dangerous. When in reality I am the most kind and lovable person. The most safe and person that can keep it together when s**t hits the fan.

I employ you guys to read "The Red Book" by Carl Jung.

Is this about overcoming hardship or the mechanics of spawning one's existence?

It reminds me of how I remember things. I save the core concepts and ditch all the details, knowing that I will be able to reassemble the rest when needed.