New Father is Miserable

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I hate my wife. I was lonely for so long. I married her before I got sober and now I feel trapped in hell. Just had a son and I am not in any way happy about it. What the hell? I thought this was supposed to be one of the happiest times in life but all I can think about is being stuck to my horrible wife. She yells at me for having AS. What kind of a**hole does that? She knows almost nothing about Asperger's. I can't talk with her. She thinks she knows all about it from watching a few episodes of big bang. Idiot, right? I just feel so crappy. I don't even care about my kid because I think if he is half as dumb as my wife, he will still be a loser. Why do I feel like this? I am an idiot too, no doubt. I know it is wrong but I can't see how to change it. I am not going to leave physically, I have no money and I will inevitably regret it. I cannot afford professional help. The insomnia is torture. I just wish I could sleep, for a very, very long time. I can not take much more of this. There is no where else that I want to go. Into the deep dark sleep seems so nice. I keep thinking that I am going to pull a Sidhartha one day and walk out the door, never looking back. I don't think that I would like myself if I did that. Stupid jerk or not, I can't just leave her. I made a commitment. I spend most of my days longing for death. This is taking forever. I like to imagine a meteor ripping me in two, or the oncoming truck smushing me like a bug. I am not going to quit, I just wish it would end.

Something's going to have to give.

As a start, tell her that you are a viable person who doesn't need to be yelled at. You're an equal partner in the relationship, not some young punk.

The characters of "Big Bang Theory" are not prime exemplars of people on the Spectrum; they are caricatures.

It's a funny show at times--but if one "learns" about autism from that show, they truly have learned nothing about autism.

Be a good dad to your kid. That will make you feel better, too. That will also help you earn "brownie points" with your wife.

Above all, make sure your wife respects you as a person--otherwise, the game is lost.

I feel for ya, man. When I got sober and my brain finally dried out, I too woke up to an "Oh Sh*t" realization about relationships. I just had to keep putting one front in front of the other, doing the next right thing one day at a time. It took more than a few 24 hours, but thing did get better.

It turned out to be like I've been told many times: When one door closes another opens; but those damn hallways can be a f*cking b***h.

How old is your son?

Hang in there. If your son is very young (under a year), a lot of your feelings could be related to the lack of sleep and the demands that a new baby makes on one's life. IT IS HARD. It is a very hard adjustment for anyone, and you may be taking it especially hard. It is a change in sleep patterns, a change in eating patterns, a change in end-of-day, after-work patterns. You aren't able to relax the same way as before (if at all.) The baby could be crying, adding stress. Your wife's hormones might be out of whack, adding to it all.

This time will pass, and you will get to a place where you can have a clearer perspective about what is going on. But right now, it is super tough.

It is really important that you and your wife get some rest & relaxation, both together and apart. Can you afford a babysitter so you can go out, even for just a short walk? You don't have to spend a lot of money to have some couple time to help you remember why you fell in love. Do you have family nearby that can help? Anything... helping with watching your son or even with household chores. Anything to help relieve the stress.

The first six months are the most difficult, the first couple of weeks are absolute hell. As a dad it's not easy to bond with a new born because it wants its' mum most of the time and you can't really play with them, but once they start crawling it becomes easier. I never could imagine myself as a dad, but I found that it came naturally once they got past the stage of doing nothing but feeding and sleeping.

Society tells us that having a kid is a major positive experience. Which immediately sets us up to fail.

It's incredibly hard being a new dad. The mum is absent, exhausted, and full of hormones. The kid makes demands on the mum all day and all night, and when the kid is not making demands the mum wants to be alone or sleep.

So what is the place for the new dad in all of this? There isn't one. His job is to be there, be "the rock" but with little feedback. And in your case the feedback is negative, which must hurt.

It gets easier. In a year or so your boy will start to show proper awareness of you and you can start to bond and make a relationship.

But "new you", sober you" is already questioning your relationship with your wife and is wanting out, and is fantasising about death. Fantasising about doing a Sidhhartha, putting a bag on your back and walking, is so much healthier.

I waited until my daughter was 8 before I walked. This felt a decent time - she was aware enough as to what was going on and we had an OK relationship. Our relationship really developed after that and I reckon I am a good dad.

Bottom line? It's not a life sentence.

Thank you.
I gave up television in 1993. I have only seen a couple episodes (I usually leave the room when she turns on tv) . This is a big problem because I think that a lot of people get their understanding of life from television. She thinks a fighting relationship is healthy because of the movie my cousin vinny. I can't talk with her. She is way too pretentious. She respects tv more than she respects me I think.
To learn to be a good Father is the only thing keeping me going right now.
Yes, I fear the "game" is not one that I enjoy playing. The lonely game was easier for me to deal with.
Yes, thank you. I will continue to march.
Thank you. I sure hope so. He is three days old. The lack of sleep is a big problem. I can always handle things better with enough sleep. I can not make myself fall asleep. When I do sleep, I wake up three hours later, my mind going like crazy. I gave up coffee and nicotine. I am just too stressed to even sleep. Thank you. It is good to hear that this is normal. I can't see what is happening right now.
The seeds of expectation, grow great big trees of disappointment.This is what I was afraid of. Nobody gives a fairy fart about what men feel when a child is born. Is this even my kid? I only have the word of my wife, and that is no good at all. She has been fighting with me since I got sober and discovered my AS. She fell in love with the drunk version of me. The alcohol hid my AS from us both. She seems very disappointed to have opened the strong, confident, rich guy box, only to find an awkward struggling human being inside who spent all his money on some land in the middle of nowhere. There has not been much sex going on.
I agree that morbid reflection is not healthy. Life was a lot more fun when I was lonely.

Thank you all so much for your valuable input. I have no one else to talk to. I wish I had a family member to tell me how to deal with this stuff but I do not.
Thank you so very much.

Last edited by Anachron on 05 Aug 2015, 9:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

A lot of women aren't into sex around the time of having a baby and she may be sore or have stitches, definitely not a good time to be looking for her to want sex, if she's sore she might think you're awful for asking.

Have you held the baby? Maybe try to enjoy your child and let her see you in a different way. Wish I had more to offer.

Hang in there.

The lack of sex was referring to the time of conception. I know there is going to be a long time after birth before any intimacy can even be considered. I was prepared for this and understand completely. Besides, I don't want to have sex with someone I don't like anyway.

I haven't held him very much. I will try this. Im not particularly fond of babies. I would rather wait until I can talk with them. I wish that paternity test were standard proceedure. I would feel better about embracing him if I knew for a fact that he was my Son (Women do not have this problem). I value your thoughts and I will make an effort to buddy up to the little guy. I guess that I need more patience. Thank you Waterfalls.

Yep. I think we both know how very, very common that situation is. I had a 12 year relationship end when I got sober.

Geez, it doesn't seem like you guys are compatible and your dislike of her is clear.

Can you talk to her about how she makes you feel, or would she not care?

If she doesn't care, you should probably make plans to strike out on your own. You don't have to leave it until it's "walk out the door" or lose it. Things aren't working. It happens. So you make a plan. Seeing as how your wife just had a baby, I would postpone the actual leaving until she has recovered. Dumping her when she is recovering from childbirth would be mean.

But maybe in a year, get a bachelor apartment near by. You can still see the kid even if you're separated from the Mom.

No, I did not know that this was common. I never joined a group or anything, I quit on my own (I know how rare this is). My older Brother met a girl in a bar, had a kid, got engaged, sobered up, and then his girl treated (sober) him like crap. He finally left her when he caught her cheating. I don't want to admit that I have made such a huge mistake like that. I kinda already have I guess. Of course, the whimsical notion comes to mind, "I will just start drinking again if that is the difference". Lol, I refuse to walk that road again. I know where it goes and I know what it took from me, my mind tops a long list of personal sacrifices given to booze.We do not communicate well at all. It usually turns ugly in no time. This is probably the best chance that I have. I don't think I could leave because I gave my word that I would stick it out, on my wedding day. I should keep trying to communicate. Thank you. This seems to be my only hope.

Well it couldn't hurt. Communication can only help and you have every right to express yourself.

Lot's of people give their words every day. In the face of practicality it is meaningless. Now I'm sensing that you are trying to maintain a sense of honour or maybe a sense of reality. I get both, but if I'm wrong tell me. I say this because I am separated from my husband; have been for 10 years now, which was longer than we were together. I still taunt myself with thoughts of failure, but no sense dwelling on that.

Splitting up with someone really sucks. And I never even had children.

If you are concerned about paternity, I think you should force the issue. You'll have to pay for it, but I imagine it would be worth it.