Trying to cope with depression

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I've been depressed for more than twenty years. It's getting bad at the moment. Life gets in the way of coping.

Since I have no friends to talk to, and I wouldn't know what to say or how to say it if I did, I need something to soothe me.

I was thinking learning to play the violin.

It's so hard to get started. I can't find anyone to teach me in my area, they don't reply to emails and I really really don't like talking on the phone, I avoid it like the plague. Then somehow I need to find a left handed violin. I guess eBay?

I'm at my wits end. I would like to self medicate but not pharmaceuticals. Many years ago I was taking antidepressants and instead of helping me, I tried to commit suicide.

I know it sounds weird, but I need to see colours and I need to feel connected. I would really love to try psilocybin (magic mushroom) but I have no idea how to find it or who to ask. I have never even smoked marihuana, I have no intention of escaping from my troubles, I just need to travel inside and feel connected. I cannot make a difference to my life. I feel like my spirit has faded away and I am a zombie ghost.

There's nothing to reach out to.

The black night calls my name, but all roads look the same, they lead nowhere...

Music can be very soothing. What else helps?

Playing music can have a wonderful effect. Is there another instrument you could learn and that you could find a teacher for?

You also mentioned seeing colors. Another option might be freestyle drawing or mandala coloring. That has been helpful to me when I was in a depressive mood. I also use colored glasses almost every day.