Help..

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I just found out based on the suggestions of a few other Neuro Unique induviduals that I have what I think to be Asperger's. I have a history of Depression, Anorexia, Bulimia, Self-Injury, and a lingering sadness that seems impossible to express to anyone. It has gotten very bad over the last year, following an abortion. I wanted to have a baby, but all the "important people" in my life (who albeit, have never been able to understand my feelings), insisted otherwise. Thus, the deepest depression of my life has set in.

I see no hope for myself. I have 2 people who support me and am very grateful for that. However, I feel like I need more help that anyone in my life can give me. Parents are impossible to deal with (functioning alcoholics who want to remain in denial of their own issues in an effort to preserve some "sense of normalcy", as they like to call it).....

The depression has been very, very terrible for about 2 weeks now.... There have been days at a time where I will not get out of bed becuase I simple cannot see beyond the anger, sadness, and fear that holds my brain captive. I have been eating compulsively, unraveling the hard work I put in with running and the gym. I know that exercise helps my mood, but something about the experience of having to deal with traffic and people at the gym gets me to start panicking.... To the extent where I cannot put a plan, as in when to go to the gym, what to wear, should I shower before, after, ect...? together....

In general, I really struggle to make sense of my life anymore. Practical ordeals like getting dressed, showered, making meals, ordering the tasks, all seem to derail me. I cannot plan to save my life, nor am I good at sticking to plans once I make them. It is very hard anymore to simply get moving. If I do get up and out, inpiration will hit me, or I'll want to write and sing, activities which are not acceptable amongst public places really.

I have no home currently and am living out of back packs. My dad, while emotionally void, is still in contact with me. I really see no reason to talk with my mother. She throws traits of mine, like the extremist nature, sensory overload, or poor social skills, in my face.... Will literally make fun of me for things I cannot help....

So I just don't know what to do at this point. I was functioning the best I had been in years without medication or anything up until this past June. What does functioning "well" look like to me? Considering the roads I've been down, I was just thankful to be waking up every MORNING (not afternoon)....., getting an hour long run in or some time at the gym... A bit of yoga, socializing with friends, playing out at open mic nights..... Cleaning, going to the store, being a "part" of the world....

I even managed to get into a music school for singing, which starts at the end of August. However, since I can barely take care of myself, I have no idea what is going to happen.

I just want to learn how I can take care of myself....

It seems like all I know how to do is destroy....

I cannot stop eating alot of times, and it has become an addiction. The only time aside from that little period this past year of January to June where I was eating "normal" was when I was on psychadelic drugs. I stopped doing all that though. And now am left in an identity crisis, almost completely alone, having no idea what to ask or where to go. I am afraid of myself. I don't see how I'm ever going to make it......

I am afraid of living. People. Not many close friends. My only social interactions have been boyfriends. and relationships never go well since I'm sure I'm not easy to deal with, nor am I good at choosing partners to be with. I have been sexually abused a few times due to my own stupid inability to percieve others true intentions, basically just being naive. So a couple of therapists have told me there is now ptsd involved as well. I can barely stick to my appointment times though. Like I said, can barely plan to save my life.

And I hate myself at this point. Because I realize it is no one's fault. I was mad at my parents for a long time, my ex's, ect.... But have just accepted there's no need to be mad. They are simply of no help. No one is going to be of any help than me. And there is so "little" of me here anymore...

Some days, I will just stair at walls, out into a void of thought. I will try to meditate, but am thinking so fast and so much at once, that I can barely just sit with myself. That is when the eating comes in, to kind of "shut it all off"... But then I have to deal with the terrible physical feeling, fatigue, continuously decreasing self-confidence, and increased depression...... I really don't want to be here anymore..... It's not because I don't want to live. I just don't see a way for myself ever TO live in absence of some intense intervention, residential treatment, or some angel like person coming into my life and teaching/working with me to learn these skills and mannerisms I am oblivious to.


I just want to figure out how to live.... I am good at things when I can put my mind to them. But putting my mind to anything anymore, is a sad story. I wonder how much of my mind is even here. The moment stress comes on anymore, my brain seems to just shut down.....

Are there any medications, organizations, philophies, support groups, organizations, ect... I could check out? I'm such a f**k up that it's nearly impossible to stick to appointment times, if I remember them.

I am competent at nothing. Used to read alot as a teenager, always got very good grades... When I was in first grade, I would cry in school everyday.... And they thought that I needed to go to a behavorial school. My mom refused to believe that there was something "wrong" with her child though, as she put it, and demanded IQ tests, which revealed a score of 143. So the parties involved assumed I was simply bored in class.

Well now I'm very bored and jaded with life. And nearly too afriad and ignorant to live. I am my worst enemy at this point.

Be useful to know what country you are in so as to give suggestions of where you might receive support.

Post abortion can be a desperately difficult time. I feel for you. Were you offered any counselling at the time?

Meds to check out include anti depressants and anti psychotics. There are many different types of each so should one not suit, you might have luck with another.

A philosophy to check out might be zen buddhism and the whole concept of "being here now", of "living in the moment". At the moment much of you is living in the past, and the rest is looking forward to an uncertain and scary future. But at this precise moment, fundamentally, you are OK - it might be useful to do a bit of study in that direction.

I hope you can get through this time...