It wears on you

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Lately things haven't been going so easy for me, it seems like every few months I go thru a period of crisis and now is no different. I've spent the last year working with Voc Rehab and am finally ready to return to school but there has been multiple issues with FAFSA and there isn't time left to get things straightened out, I waited until my birthday to apply for it since then I wouldn't have my parent's income held against me. I have until Monday to set up a payment plan or else all my classes will get dropped. My mom says she will try to pay whatever but it makes me feel awful for taking money out my parent's pocket when they've had some setbacks this year as well. I always feel guilty about taking money from my parents, I've never felt comfortable with any hand out period. Its not that I don't need

I can't wait another 6 months tho, I am ready now and in 6 months I might not be and I can't take any more of this do nothing existence. Its killing me, idle hands aren't good for me it only leads to trouble. I've wasted so much time in life already, I wish I could go back to when I was a child with the knowledge and awareness I have now. The last long stretch I drank myself asleep a lot and just laid in bed all day until around 3 when I would get my s**t together since my dad's job was nearby and would come after work. Laying there I had real feeling of hopelessness like I had never had before, I literally couldn't convince myself to get out of bed. I'd keep the drinking a secret obviously, I didn't want to be teased or probed about it. I medicate myself pretty heavily with marijuana now, almost every day which is too much and its an expensive habit but I do feel it has benefited me in balancing my anxiety/depression and it has allowed to think and feel in different ways. I'm 100% more introspective and self aware, I've been able to do a lot of things that I wasn't able before. Before I wouldn't of been able to seek treatment, I wouldn't of been able to do Voc Rehab, I certainly wouldn't be able to return to school.

I've tried to seek actual medication as well but nobody seems to willing prescribe anything other the useless evil drugs like antidepressants and anti-psychotics. Anything else they look at you like a drug seeker for wanting, at least that is how I perceive it, most would probably demand a drug test of me and would probably be unwilling to treat me with substance use of any kind. One of the biggest barriers I have is being open about myself which makes receive assistance of any kind a real b***h, I think it's probably a self esteem issue because when I am honest and look in the mirror I hate what I see. I am embarrassed and ashamed of the shortcomings I have in life, I sweat stim mumble shake whatever when I am forced to. I've made progress, I'm more open now than I've ever been before and recognize it as a significant barrier to getting better. I'm still waiting for everything to pay off, maybe it doesn't, maybe I'll just be more miserable knowing my situation I don't know.

I don't get enjoyment out of my interests much any more, I find myself feeling more and more isolated on the internet as it becomes more and more dominated by social media which I do no partake in. I don't see any point in talking to myself, I don't care about my extended family any more, I don't really have any friends or acquaintances in real life or online. I moved across the country and use it as an excuse to why I don't know anybody but it wouldn't be any different if I were in my hometown, I bailed once all my social capital was completely extinguished. I've tried to lean on this site more and I do feel it has helped me in learning about myself, I lurk more in those sections. I enjoy debating in PPR, I find it stimulating and like the back and forth which I pretty much don't get any where else but I do feel some people probably don't like me because maybe my views are different, maybe I'm just not social or open enough here I dunno. I just feel like if I left nobody would notice or care, considering how long I've been here and how many posts I have I find it kind of sad on my part.

I use to have online friends, it was at least an outlet of sorts but now there really isn't anybody, I don't know what happened. I use to be able to be socialize and befriend people online and now I feel I've lost that ability, now I feel ostracised online and off. Its frustrating to the level of being devastating, what do I do now? It seems friendly nice person I meet goes away, changes, abandons, or betrays. I just think about myself and can see why I guess, I can see why a person without my problems wouldn't want me anywhere near their life. It hurts since, I thought some people were actually my friends but I guess clearly they weren't and makes me wonder if they ever were.

I'm not a person prone to self harm, I'm not a cutter, I don't think I'll put a bullet to my head any time soon but it begs the question is how much is too much to take. I do think I am a self destructive person, there are unhealthy things I'd be willing to do now that I probably wouldn't before. I always have this cloud of impending doom hanging over me, like everything I've worked for can disappear in a flash and that I'll be thrown back to square one with my parents. At this point if I ever had to move back, I don't know how I would respond since it would be an admittance of total failure. Its not like it isn't without truth either, if Voc Rehab and school doesn't work out and get me on a career path then I am screwed. The only hope then would to get SSI and apart from the guilt and the fact that its a sh***y existence, its exceedingly difficult to get. I don't like this pressure, I feel like my dad and his intense fears about money thru out my life has had a lot of effect on me in a number of way and contributed a lot to that hanging cloud of impending doom.

In the end I just want to be happy and I don't think I can be happy in isolation. I'm not a person that puts too much into acquiring material things, perhaps being able to afford those things would alleviate some of the anxieties I have but I'd still be alone. That's my fear, that I'll jump thru all these hoops only to come out the other side still miserable as ever, what is even the point if I can't be happy? I am normal person that wants what everybody else wants but I have a horrific and cruel disability that separates me from the rest of the world. I'd trade any of these bogus special Aspie abilities that so many delude and rationalize with themselves over in a heartbeat. It's all garbage.

Sorry to hear you're going through such tough times Jacoby. I agree with you about aspie special abilities, I've always thought that was a load of crap. I don't like "mythologising" things.

It has been determined that I owe the federal government money and that I will receive no financial aid, my mom says she can to get me back into good standing so I can get a loan but I don't think Voc Rehab will stand behind me and without them there probably isn't even any point in going since I can't do this without help. It was said if I can't get a pell grant then then all they can do for me if to tell me to get a job and they may as well just drop me at that point since I am not employable as I am right now. I'm screwed basically, I don't even know what to do. I just feel like not caring anymore, I can't do this much longer.

Not one thing in my life can come easy, even the things that are supposed to be good blow up in my face. I can't stand this, nothing ever changes. How many times can you be crushed and keep going, its too much

...I wish I could go back to school .


been determined that I owe the federal government money and that I will receive no financial aid, my mom says she can to get me back into good standing so I can get a loan but I don't think Voc Rehab will stand behind me and without them there probably isn't even any point in going since I can't do this without help. It was said if I can't get a pell grant then then all they can do for me if to tell me to get a job and they may as well just drop me at that point since I am not employable as I am right now. I'm screwed basically, I don't even know what to do. I just feel like not caring anymore, I can't do this much longer.[/quote]

My advice to you is to let your mother pay as much as she can. Use that as a down-payment. Tell her you'll pay her back when you could. I would take her up on her offer, no matter how bad it makes you feel. And I would not drop out of any classes after she's paid.

What are you really interested in?

I don't have the option of a down payment, if I do a payment plan then it would take up to 9-10 months to get out of default and I will receive zero financial aid until it is paid off totally, they want it all. Fortunately its not an impossible amount but my parent's aren't rich by any stretch and they already pretty much totally support me so it's hard for me not to feel awful and guilty. It's a lot of pressure too, I don't know what I am capable of and I never had a ton of success at school so the whole threat of Voc Rehab pulling the rug from under is pretty scary since I don't think if I can do it alone without support. I've worked so hard just to get to this points so it really hurts that this all comes up like a month before, I thought I was getting this all done finally and then this roadblock gets thrown at me. I was having a moment earlier, there has been a whole string of them these last few months, I feel more numbed to it now which is improvement I guess. I just don't have the energy any more.

Hey Jacoby, I'm sorry you feel this way.

I don't understand why Vocational Rehab "dropped" you.

Maybe try another branch of Vocational Rehab in your state?

They haven't dropped me yet, I've just been told that they will not assist me with school unless I qualify for financial aid and at that point they'll probably request I get a job which I already tried and failed at with VR. Voc Rehab was actually suppose to pay everything beyond the Pell grant so it being totally on me would be a pretty big change and obviously it feels like I'm being punished. The only reason I'm not blowing my head off over this s**t is because I never really expect things to live up to expectations, nobody really wants to help you and nobody means what they say. It's my fault for thinking things can be different. This isn't the first time I've been disappointed.

Also what am I interested in? Stuff people either don't care about or violently disagree.

I know this won't help--but here's a "guy hug."

Can't call you "Sweetie," either.

Why can't you tell Vocational Rehab about your situation as to having to pay back the money?

I haven't spoken to them yet, my counsellor doesn't work today so I'll probably hear from her tomorrow. Everybody tells me not to worry, that everything will work itself out but if there ever was a time to worry it seems like it should be now. I guess I'm lucky I didn't get into any 4 year schools after high school since there is no way that could of been paid back. Maybe I'm freaking out too much about VR, I dunno. Right now I am expecting the worst tho.