intense friendship just ended suddenly
gee_dee
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 3 Apr 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 67
Location: everywhere
Hey, not a regular poster (more of a lurker
) but just had an experience which is beginning to epitomise my AS life. I'll try and keep it as concise as possible but might end up rambling so apologies in advance...
Background: I met a woman (quite a bit older than me) through an online mutual interest meetup group and we hit it off straight away - very rare for me - both liking to think and talk about the "deeper things in life", but until recently our contact was sporadic due to living in different cities and leading different lives. Fast forward to 3-4 months ago, she emailed me announcing her intention to move to my home city, and would eventually choose a place literally right round the corner from me... soon the emails and texts became very long and very frequent, and while initially I got caught up in the excitement of finally having a "proper" friend again for the first time in years, I began to find the almost all-day-every-day contact a bit wearing, although conversations were always varied and interesting. So, during the first month or so of newly re-established contact, we met up a fair few times and I even went house-hunting with her to help find her ideal home. On top of that, we started going to literary events (our common interest) very frequently, which was great at first but as I had a thesis to be writing I had to wind that down after a while so I could concentrate.
That's basically when the problems started to show. I told her early on about my AS, so as not to risk any misunderstandings further down the line, and she was totally OK with it, having had some AS friends in the past. So when the time came for her to move in, and work started on the new house meaning she would have to be out of the house most of the day for two weeks, her first request was could she hang out at my place for potentially several hours a day for several days. I was starting to get extremely stressed about my thesis around this time so I said that while she could hang out at mine for a while each day I would be very preoccupied with my thesis and probably not the best company. My AS "symptoms" are highly exacerbated by stress and I knew it was only a matter of time before she saw me acting "strange" and getting weirded out by me.
She then sent me a very reproachful text calling me "unwilling to compromise" knowing she would be "wandering the streets with nowhere to go" and basically hinting that, as a friend, I should be prepared to throw my doors open no questions asked. I get high anxiety having someone in my home for even half an hour, and I was already pushing myself to the limit here, so I eventually relented and pretty much let her stay as long as she needed to, which turned out to be several hours almost every day. I didn't get much work done and was in a constant state of anxiety, and this happened a couple more times, her coming to visit and everything seeming fine, having long conversations and me trying to be as hospitable as possible, but a few more times she would send reproachful texts basically calling me "cold and distant", and the final straw came when she actually told me not to come meet her other friend in case I "made things awkward" with my "distance", and went on to berate me for not showing enough emotion and not making enough physical contact like touching and hugging as many female friends do.
The thing that bothers me most is that she KNEW that I had AS, but seemed to be selective as to when this would be "OK", and now an initially promising friendship has just come to an abrupt end, with her saying that she won't talk to me anymore if I'm going to "be this way" (unwilling to fully open up about everything), and now basically all the emotional investment of the friendship has completely gone to waste. It's exhausting having friends and I really do try to be as "available" as possible when I do have one, but try to do it in a way that doesn't result in me going insane, and this is the result of doing so.
I'm beginning to think if this is my experience of friendship from now on, it's going to be a lonesome existence ![]()
She seem needy, clingy and unpleasant. It seems that she only wants to take advantage of you. Have you ever tried to ask for anything in return and would se give it to you or does her words and actions not match up?
Some people are like that (toxic) and it is best to avoid them.
_________________
Asperger, diagnosed
PTSD, diagnosed
Turette, diagnosed
Dyscalculia, self diagnosed
gee_dee
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 3 Apr 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 67
Location: everywhere
To be fair she could be very generous and even bought me small gifts, I think she just wanted a far greater involvement of friendship than I felt able to give at the time. I was actually hoping that she'd make more friends while moving here but apparently it was just me and one other person. I mean I almost never socialise and when I do it's with family members or talking to people online, and this sudden onslaught of interaction just took a toll on me.
gee_dee
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 3 Apr 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 67
Location: everywhere

