Family expectations with marriage

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I debated on posting this in the Love and Dating forum. Since the subject matter is more about feeling defeated, I'll post it here. This is more of a rant.. but I'm sure at least some of you guys can relate to it.

As a preface, I know it's different everywhere, and culture plays a large role in it. I live in the southern US, and it's pretty common here.

I'm just so frustrated with this whole dynamic I'm in. Yes I'm "young" relative to the population, however it doesn't change how I feel. My entire family, including extended family, has this bizarre expectation to be married as young as possible. My mother and grandmother were teenagers when they got married, my sister was 20 and I'm 4 years beyond that without the slightest possibility of marriage within the foreseeable future. Most people who know how I feel just blow it off and say "Oh you're young, don't worry you'll find someone" or "don't listen to what your family thinks, it doesn't matter." While no, I don't really care all THAT much that I'm not "meeting their expectations" their reaction is what hurts the most. I wouldn't care about their reaction so much if I didn't care about being married. The thing is, I really want to be married. I want to have a husband and start that chapter of my life with them. So when they start harping on my failure to find a husband, it just really hits a nerve. They know how much I want it for myself, and it's not like I'm just content being single for the rest of my life. I want to be married because I want to be married, not because they expect me to. Honestly, I'm okay with "missing the mark" on their expectations, I just don't want to be ridiculed on failing at something I want so bad.

I just think they are more concerned about me fitting in their mold, than actually finding someone I love. Also, my family is pretty big on heirlooms. As women, we pass down things at monumental times in our lives. I've been given a ring for graduating high school, something for when I turned 18, 21 etc. My mom and sister received something on their wedding day. A few months ago I saw my grandmother and she said "This is the bracelet I was going to give you on your wedding day" and I just stared at her blankly... She gave me this look like I can't even describe and said something along the lines of "Well we all know that may never happen." So instead of holding out, she gave it to me with full confidence that I will not find anyone. I would have meant so much more if I received it on my wedding day a decade (or however long) from now. Even if I never got married, and never received the bracelet, it would probably be a better feeling than what I experienced then.

Something similar happened today as well. For the next few days, I'm visiting my parents who live out of town. I was wearing (as stated above) the ring I got for graduating high school. My dad didn't really see it and asked me if it was the ring that one of the deceased family members had given to me. Of course I had no idea what he was talking about, and my mom chimed in with "That's supposed to be for when she gets married" and he just laughed. It wasn't just a chuckle.. it was a full blown laugh with clapping. Apparently he thought it was hysterical. I'm glad they haven't given the ring to me, maybe they haven't given up entirely yet.

Not two days ago.. I experienced a pretty harsh falling out with the person who I had been dating for many months. I reached an emotional meltdown so my senses are insanely heightened. That response from my dad just made things so much worse on my heart.

I love my family and want to see then when I get the chance, I don't want to avoid them, but no matter what I say they don't get that it hurts. It's hard to be around them. I've tried everything I can I guess I just have to deal with their constant pressure and disappointment.

Codependent parenting sucks, and breeds nothing but resentment from the children.

They are insecure, and they want you to inherit their insecurities.

Most families are like that to some degree, and I understand that being one's own person in the face of that can be a trial by fire kind of situation. But it is possible to keep your ties and to reach a point where their insecurities bounce off of your skin instead of being absorbed like a sponge.

You're only 24 and already they think it's never going to happen? That's harsh even for a southern traditional family.

24 is still totally young enough that there's plenty of years and years ahead in which you have time to find the right person and get married.

Do they want to so rush you into marriage that anyone will do, and you make a horrible mistake?

Try to remind them that you really are still young, even by southern traditional standards, and that you would rather take your time and meet truly the right person to commit to, than grab any nearest candidate just to fulfill some kind of time schedule, which doesn't make sense and defeats the purpose of what marriage is actually supposed to be about in the first place: marrying because you've found the RIGHT person, not just anyone for the sake of it.

It may also help to tell them outright how much pain their pushing causes you. Don't just casually mention that, make it a statement, call a halt, hold the phone, stop the presses and stand there and say have you ANY idea how hurtful this is to me?

Drama is not always a good thing to indulge in, but this may need a tiny dose of actual drama to get your point across that you're deeply sick and tired of this and it's breaking your heart for your own reasons, to constantly hear this nagging.

Because, it's possible they all take it lightly and have no idea that you're are actually deeply hurting about this, without need for reminders. If they knew just how painful their joking around or nagging is, they might truly realize it would be good to stop making this a constant topic.

Thank you guys for the understanding.

Yes, unfortunately that's the case. No matter how much I stress how painful it is, it still happens. I've made the delivery of my feelings both subtle and blunt, and it's even made me have a breakdown in front of them. As much as I despise drama, I've had to use it to help them understand the severity of how I feel. That is one reason why it hurts so much when they highlight it.

It's not that they want me to rush into just any marriage. I think it may be that they don't understand why I haven't met anyone..

My mom knows about me getting diagnosed with autism, and she's slightly more understanding now. She knows that my social issues and meeting people are more difficult than the rest of my family.

I'm so sorry to hear that even genuinely breaking down emotionally to them about this has not made a difference to them or helped them see that they need to back off. Yikes, that's persistence on their part...! I think that's awful, and I wish they would have more respect for your feelings.

In the wider public, even strangers know that pushing someone about why they're not married -- or don't have kids yet, or whatever the case -- is a no-no socially, and out of line. It's a pity that families feel no such line to cross exists with "their own."

I'm glad that your mother at least understands a little because of the spectrum diagnosis. Plenty of people on the spectrum find love and partnership in life, but I think it's fair to say it can be more of a challenge and you certainly can't be held to the same time-schedule expectations as a highly social NT. Everybody is different -- even NTs differ from each other in the ability to find a mate.

I wish I could help; just try to hang in there. Maybe others here will have additional thoughts and advice for you. I hope something can change!