Message to Jackie

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Jackie, I wish that you'd love me again. I wish you and I were back together. I wish that we'd resolve whatever issues are preventing us from being together again.

You said on the form that Gary bought that we had "irreconcilable differences", but what are they? If you'd only be willing to work things out, I highly doubt anything would be irreconcilable.

You know, it would actually be cool if we had two anniversaries, almost half a year apart. Think of it, we'd have twice the presents for each other, twice the excuse to go to a hotel with a hot tub, and twice the celebration of our love for each other. Our first wedding being on 5/15/10, our second could be something cool like 10/5/15 or 8/31/15 or whenever you'd like. The first one is a rearrangement of our first marriage's date in effect but if we were to marry this month then 8/31/15 would be my saying I love you in this manner: 83 115. Or perhaps on 11/5/15? Then it would be on the code we have for "I love you" and it would be just about half a year from our first wedding day and it would give me an excuse to buy you more presents right after my birthday and making that time more about you rather than just me.

Please let us be reconciled Jackie, I want to always be with you. I want us to be best friends again. I want the you that I first married back again, and somewhere in that beautiful heart and mind of yours you still exist and I want my Jackie back. The Jackie who would truly never leave me for anything. The Jackie with whom I had such excellent communication. The lady whom I married, you, Jacklyn Suzanne Wyatt, you the Lady of Cuteness, are loved. I love you Jackie.

I wish we had started going to the library earlier, as it's been nice to check out movies and shows for free. Right now I'm watching Star Trek TNG season 4 and it's almost like going back in time. One of the episodes I don't remember having seen on broadcast and I thought I had seen every episode when they were originally broadcast, at least since my memories became continous back in October of 1989, so it's kinda cool seeing the show again. Remember when we used to watch episodes together while chatting on Skype? I miss those days. Everything reminds me of you in some way or another eventually.

You are my fixation Jackie, more than Star Trek, electronics, Latin, etc. I am romantically infatuated with you and you alone. I'm sorry that I told you that I had a crush on that person who kept commenting on my posts, but I was still annoyed with you about spending V-Day with the Bronies and ignoring me then. I was wrong to even want to get back at you.

You are my craziness Jackie and I love you and I forgive you. I want the sadness to end and you to return.

You know I love you Jackie. I'm sorry that in my Aspie nature I'm not a better communicator and not as emotionally empathetic as I wish I were for your sake, but I still love you and I'm committed to you and our marriage is a covenant marriage - if you read in Matthew, after the part about lust being "heart-adultery" and anger being "heart murder", it says about people being divorced, "whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” and if it is so that legally marrying a divorcee is considered adultery in the sight of God, then in the sight of God we are still married and to marry anyone else is adultery for either of us. Read what the Bible actually says. I know a lot of "good people" have thrown away and replaced their first spouse whom they vowed to God that they'd spend their lives with, but that really is why God hates divorces as He says He does in Malachi, in the chapter right before the one about tithing - which every pastor knows by heart and quotes at least once per week. :p Seriously though, I am a Christian like you and you know it, we are equally yoked, I have not committed adultery, and even if I might be deemed a "nonbeliever", "infidel", "heretic", by catholics or some pastors like that hillbilly in Dahlgreen who didn't understand that you're only genealogically Jewish, still I want to be with you as per 1st Corinthians and our marriage is a covenant marriage. I want you and me to be restored, reconciled, and back together and never again doubting our love for each other.

I'd want to be yours again regardless anyway. You and I were meant for each other; we are equally yoked and God brought us together. In your heart I know you know this. I wish we'd return together sooner rather than later, but it seems so depressingly forever since you've truly spoken with me. Why?

I've loved you and done everything for you and stayed with you even when I thought the worst of you. Why does it have to be this way? You know it doesn't. We could be healed almost instantaneously, just as soon as you want to be. I wish you would, I really do.

You might have to look bad to your brother for a moment, confessing to him as you did to me about your consistent lies for uniqueness, which you don't need because you're plenty unique and awesome without any fictions, and what he did to you, but you would be doing the right thing and it would be good even if the confession of past wrongs shows that one has done wrong in the past. You know what is right, please do it and let us be restored to what we were and better.

Some day, your car could again be on our now grassy parking space and we could be once again sitting on the couch together cuddling alternatingly watching Star Trek and My Little Pony.

Craziness. You are my craziness. Well apart from ADHD and Asperger's syndrome, you are my craziness. You know, there's something that I can't explain: I'm so in love with you; you'll never take that away. And if I've said I love you you an hundred times before, expect a thousand more... (from Calling You by Blue October.)

This October will be blue for me if you're not home then. I love you Jackie, I hope you love me too. I wish you'd say so too.

The room they had put me in for a few hours at Mercy Hospital was #32, and the restroom was #29, which makes since with how I'm given all the crap. :p Sorry, but it reminded me of us at our ages present.

For the two days I was at Abbott Hospital, they gave me three meals the first day and only two the second (because I was discharged shortly after lunch because apparently I'm not crazy enough to be in a minimum security mental facility even) making another reminder of you. Three-two, current age thing again, you know. I AM NOT A HATTER NOR A DOORMOUSE! However, I'm not sure if I'm a March hare or not though.

My lady of 1,027 days difference in age, the one to whom I gave my first kiss and all my kisses, you are my craziness and I love you.

Jackie of age difference seven, twenty, and ten to the third days, whom I met on 3/2/8 and left me on 3/28/15, my first and only girlfriend and best friend for seven years and legal spouse for five years and 44 days, I love you and want to spend all my decades with you. Would you please let us be reconciled Lady Jacklyn of the Cuteness? While my third decade is ending on a note of sadness, would you return before my thirtieth birthday and spend my forth decade and all the rest of them with me and any children we may have?

What would you think of diner and a movie then on October 23rd, James Ussher's New Year and my birthday 5988 years since his calculated first day, my lady whom was also born on a new year's day? Perhaps we could go to Space Aliens and see The Martian respectively? That would be my preference anyway, but being with you is more important than being anywhere in particular.

You returning to my life would be a far better gift than anything with a mere monetary value. You and your wonderful love are all that matter to me. I love you Jackie, you are loved and loved. Please come back soon Jackie, I know we can make through this horrible time if only we both would want to. I hope you'll want to soon, but either way I love you Jackie.

You know what's sad? Remembering all the times we've cuddled and all the times you so cutely sang love songs to me. "I have loved you for so long" and "if I never stop loving you" and all the rest. I remember when you loved me. It wasn't so long ago. You did love me. You did. Do you now still love me? Will you ever say so again? Will you ever be the woman I first married ever again? Will we ever cuddle again? Go on walks again? Watch shows and movies ever again? Read books to each other again? Read books to our children at some point? Teach them how to read and write and help them to love learning? Will you ever reunite with me and work together as the team God meant us to be?

I made my choice five years ago on May 15th and there is no one else I'd rather be with than the lady I married back then. Be her again, please be her again. You are the love of my life Jackie.

I should have applied for unemployment earlier really, I just hate the idea of being a walfare bum, but it looks like I might get between $337 before taxation weekly, or $286 if I have 15% removed for taxation. Ebt wise, I just had applied for it yesterday and now I was able to buy food again for the first time in weeks.

At the Food Distribution Centre they keep telling me that you're never coming back - but like the top verse on their donation envelopes, Deuteronomy 8:3, "man does not live on bread alone....", I don't need that lack of faith that God will heal us and I rather starve than eat their food and hear that poisonous stuff. God brought us together, He has restored my love for you and hopefully He'll your love for me too, and then restore both of us to each other soon enough.

If you would return to me and our marriage and friendships would be restored, then may God bless us together and provide for us good jobs, children of our own to love and care for, and all the materialistic wealth that will make you happy. May there be no more curses but only blessings and friendship and peace and joy for both of us and our families. May you pick the right choice, not just the easy one.

I'm sorry I ever made you feel unloved when I was trying to get back at you for how you ignored me on V-Day, I really wish I had just forgiven you back then and chose to behave like the husband I'm supposed to be rather than acting like an overgrown selfish manchild.

I may be sorry about a lot of things, but I'm not sorry I married you. Our five years of marriage were the best five years of my life and you were the best and most trustworthy friend ever in my life. I put all my trust in you and believed you in everything you said and was willing to go to the ends of the earth with you. You are the love of my life, you mean more to me than all the stupid wealth in the universe. I would give anything to bring you back from the grave of desolate silence and revive our love for each other.

Perhaps I'm not helping you to recover and whatnot by my constantly trying to communicate with you as equals rather than emotionally manipulate you as self-proclaimed "experts" would have me do.

Want to hear some of there advice? I'm supposed to be silent, act like I've somehow gotten over you, find someone to go out with in order to make you jealous, and so much other crap. You're an Aspie like me, you can handle real communication rather than neurotypical games of manipulation and so much popular psychological babble for braindead yuppies with itching ears.

Besides, the one jerk at Faribault Foods, who kept giving me such bad advice, said that he had a date with some woman and he was going to intentionally stand her up and apologize to her, and that would somehow make her want him even more. It's like, "what the heck you dishonorable Ferengi?"

That's when I quit listening to that jerk. I wish you'd start speaking with me already, but I know you can handle real communication rather than some stupid mind game for idiots.

Somewhere in your beautiful heart the wonderful woman I married still lives and she still loves me and hopefully she'll be revived, our love for each other will reignite, and we'll be reunited. Reunited and everything will be good again.

Every time I see a silver Chevy Impala with black cart side-bumpers, my heart skips a beat hoping for a moment that it's actually you, that you're finally coming back home from babysitting for your brother, but of course the license plate hasn't been 311KBD again yet. It will be so nice when it finally is again and each day we'll be together again and never go a day without each other again. I so hope for that. I miss you Jackie. I want to hug you now.

Did you really like playing Portal? If you like playing it we should get the full version sometime. On the day you went to babysit it was on sale, along with its sequel, for $10 I think. I wish you had actually gone to babysit and had really come back home. It would have been neat to watch you play a video game I like too. I mean, it was fun playing RuneScape with you back in the day and dance on the castle wall and fight monsters together. I think we had a few others too. Did you actually like playing the decision/dialogue trees of Mass Effect? I know that game had some manure in it, but it's like everything else: there's a baby amongst the bathwater. The space opera elements and how well done it is outweigh the garbage that shouldn't be within it.

I remember you talking with me about that when you were driving me home from WalFart. Was it one of the points of contention? I would gladly have given up that game if you'd have kept me. In fact I burned the games of mine in the firepit after you left, hating myself that I spent more time playing them than with you.

I'm sorry that I wanted to also get back at you for what you said you intentionally did to me. You know, when you said you were intentionally doing no work or housework in order to get back at me for when we first married and I couldn't find work and didn't do all the housework but wanted to do an equal amount with you?

I'm sorry that I begged you for permission to quit working at that air-conditioning-free oven of a factory in which I was moving 80,000 pounds of fruit juice per night and working with people who swear constantly and don't really work. In my sheer exhaustion, it was difficult not to take up swearing also - since being unemployed and trying my best to repent from everything which might have driven you away, I've also given up swearing. It's actually really easy not to swear when I don't have to deal with people which swear. It's rather difficult not to acquire their speech when I'm required to be around them. I love you Jackie.

Oh how great we were about to become when we both had full time work and we were both being adults at the same time. I wish I had suggested that you kept working for Maritza, but I knew you wanted to be a nanny almost as much as you want to be a mommy, but I didn't want to interfere with your dreams and would have supported you in any decision.

I miss you Jackie, I'm sorry for being blunt and any tears you may shed or negative emotions otherwise, but I want us to be reconciled and we're going to need to be open and honest with each other. We really should go to a counsellor, perhaps back at Hardy & Stevens on 183rd Circle where we went before. I know you had meant what you said when you said, "I'm never going to leave you for anything ever". I am yours Jackie, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in the good times and the bad, for as long as we both shall live. It was not your brother who brought us together, but God Himself. By our covenent we are still married and hopefully we'll be legally married again soon enough and loving each other as we had before life started to suck due to that evil Maritza Pechan and her incestuous scapegoating degenerate parents. You are loved Jackie.

I quite wish this quietude of painful silence would end now and soon we'll be back in each other's arms cuddling and snuggling and always reminding each other that we truly love each other and we'll have the life you wanted soon enough - you'll be the mother of your own children and not have to be only a babysitter or nanny for some down-looking yuppie, or only a temporary teacher. I want you to work as a teacher again, perhaps for Kid's Dominion again even, because you were happiest there and those days were good.

We'll have a house soon enough, soon after you return, even if we'll have to use government assistance or whatever necessary, and if you want I'll go back to college, even Rash-Mustard if you want, and I'll get a bachelor's degree so that we'll not have to turn in report cards. I'd really like to study something I'm actually interested in rather than accounting, but it would make the most sense to just finish what I already started.

What will it take for us to be reconciled Jackie? Name it. I want us back. I want you back, the Lady Jacklyn whom I first married. I love you Lady Jacklyn Suzanne Wyatt, of hazel green eyes and 5'3" height, of talented sewing and exceptional cuteness. I love you Jackie.

Now I'm watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Specifically "I, Borg". Did you remember that Hugh's Borg-designation was Three Of Five? That reminded me of you, or us perhaps, because you're from '83 and I'm from '85, hence etc. I know, it's meaningless, but everything's reminding me of you.

Every so often the clock has numbers reminding me of you: your birthday (3:11, 11:03, 1:01, 8:31), ones that remind me that we are one (10:01, 11, etc), ones where "4" could be said as the pre/post-position speech particle (I've been watching a lecture series from the library about linguistics and I found out many languages, like Japanese, have postpositions rather than prepositions, like in Japanese the English "in Tokyo" is "Tokyo ni" whereas ni is the Japanese word for in, crazy huh?) "for" (5:43, 3:45, 4:53, 4:35, 5:34, 3:54), or ones with "7" reminding me of how some theologists think seven means "perfect" [or more likely they watch too much Voyager] namely (3:57, 5:37, 7:35, 7:53), ones reminding me of dates (1:15 our first, 3:02 the day we met in 2008, 5:15 the most wonderful day in the universe when we vowed to spend our lives together no matter what, 6:16 the birthday of both our fathers, 7:10 the last day Patty bird was alive, 7:11 the last day you wrote me so far saying that you are sorry for my loss and Patty is a good bird, 8:05 the day you showed you still cared even though you still haven't spoken with me, 10:24 the day you were there for me celebrating my 23rd birthday, 11:13 the day we began officially courting in 2009, 12:06 the day we got engaged in 2009, etc), or days reminding me of the number of days between our birthdays (10:07 or 7:10 the product of ten and seven being the number of days between our birthdays each year, or 10:27 where 1,027 days is the number of days between 1/1/83 and 10/23/85), or anything almost (8:35, 8:53, or just that eight is the sum of five and three or three and five.)

Literally, you are my crush, my Aspie fixation, and I love you want to forgive you and I'm trying to. You are always on my mind and I'm always praying you'll return.

Maybe God's not answering me because I'm telling you I'm praying, but I want me reward on Earth in terms of our marriage be saved and our love renewed and for us to have a big big house with lots and lots of room, a huge library, lots of cool video games to play and textbooks to study, and for us to have as many children as you want.

At the apartment, I had prayed for me to have a good paying job and cheap housing so that I could save up for what house you wanted. Looks like I got that and couldn't make the most of it due to 2013's nightmare that hasn't ended yet. Now I figure that I will pray for what I really want: you to love me again, forgive me, return, be happy with me and that we'll be happy with each other for all the years of our lives, that we'll have whatever house you want and everything else you need to be happy, that we'll have lots of children and they'll be healthy and know they're loved, that we'll both be good parents, and that we'll be good spouses to each other again and never even let the thought of divorce remotely settle in our minds again, that these past few months will be as though they never happened and that I'll finally be able to forgive you and you me. I love you Jackie.

Now I'm watching the TNG episode where Ensign Ro and Lt. Cmdr. Geordi are phased cloaked in a transporter accident and I'm still wondering, since I saw it when it originally aired, these two crazy things: (1) how they can breathe still, & (2) what makes the floor different from the walls physically when they can pass through walls but can somehow still walk on the floors.

Also, in one episode they had a phaser beam being fired from the forward photon torpedo tube. That's not a phaser array. It's a torpedo tube. What's with that? It was in the Darmok and Jilad at Tenagra episode with the aliens that somehow speak in literary references alone. All I've got to say about that is: Shaka, when the walls fell.

You know I'm just a facetious loon, except I'm not really crazy but just act like it when I need to just as my dad did. I've never thought I was an alien Jackie, but it is sometimes fun to act like it. It's fun to freak people out and make them wonder and laugh. Yes, I could sometimes guess what you were thinking, that comes with hearing you talk and make melodious noises - like humming or breathing in rythms matching songs - over the course of seven years. Sorry if that freaked you out, but it's just a matter of guesswork. I never would have guessed that you would leave me, for instance. Songs are easy to guess at though because their patterns are set and there are few which are popular. It is fun to freak people out by suddenly whistling/singing the son that they've unintentionally indicated they are singing mostly internally - but due to minor sounds or bobbing they give clues to what music they are playing in their mind.

It's too bad we never finished inventing Betazoidish and could then speak our own language and freak people out more. It would have been awesomely cool to go to sci-fi conventions as Riker and Deanna.

Still could actually, since we're both still alive and able to resume our marriage as soon as you're ready. You liked the blue dress and you were going to make that at one point, and that's still possible. Everything we wanted to do together we still can.

I want us to be happy together again, and I have no freaking clue how to accomplish that, but I'm willing to try and never give up, never surrender to the sadness. I love you and I am yours. I wish you still wanted me like you said you always would.

If money matters, if unemployment kicks in I'll be getting $337 or $286 minus taxes weekly from that. Food stamps this month are at $125. That was a wow moment today. It was so nice to be able to buy food today after a few days of not eating. I am a goldfish. Next week I interview for receiving EBT cash and probably will get that also. If you'd return I'd like for both of us to find work, your job would take priority, meaning I'll find work that fits well with your schedule. I want you to get to work as a teacher again and I'll put myself secondary to that. Maybe after your back I might even be able to focus on writing a book and we could earn a lot with each book published through a real publisher, but if you rather I work as a laborer or store clerk I'll do whatever you want. Just tell me what you want, what you really really want - so long as we'll be together, I'll do it for you to be happy. I want to make you happy.

If we get back together, I'll do whatever you want. Just tell me what you want and please let me actually know when you feel like throwing me away. Please? I wish you did, really I would have done anything to save our marriage and I still am willing to do whatever it takes. I wish you would also. Please do, let's be healed now.

While it's difficult to not complain for me, I really shouldn't complain about you. You've been so good to me. You loved me like no one else has. You took my first kiss on our wedding day. You are my first and only girlfriend. You believe in the Bible as I do, at the least regarding a literal Genesis. You love animals as I do. You're a geek like I am and you're into Star Trek like I am. We both like to go shopping together. I miss going on walks with you. You're generally a cool person and you married me. You were my best friend, and we can be again. You are my squish-squish and you're loved. I end this letter thus: may a moody baby doom a yam. :p

Beautiful message. I'm very sorry about your split, this must be a difficult time for you

Are you planning on Jackie reading it?

I hope she reads it!

Lama, I'm sorry if you and Jackie don't get back together. But I'm happy for you if you do

I've sent it every way I can, so she probably has read what I've said. I've not heard anything from her since March 29th though, except on July 11th when I told her that Patty bird had passed away. Jackie had said, "I'm sorry for your loss. Patty was a good bird." That's the last I've heard from her. I'd do anything to resolve our problems and restore our marriage, but I can't do anything. It appears I've hurt her brother's feelings and he wants nothing more do to with me.

I told him, Jackie's brother, about what Jackie said he did, and he's acting like I accused him of it myself. He says he only "did things" and he says I "twist words" and so much drama of the inconsolably offended/constipated. I've been distracting myself from the internet by playing video games to keep my mind off of what I want to say to him or just report him to CPS [although probably more out of vengeance rather than out of fear that he'd actually hurt his children] and so as long as he's upset with me Jackie probably will never speak with me because she's always cared more about her friendship with him than anything else.

^ That's such a shame. I really hope you do speak again soon. At least she read your message. Stay strong Lama! Hugs

I'm sorry about this.

The best you can do is send her this message and make sure she reads it. The rest is up to her.

Thanks guys.