Last Letter #543345, Stardate 83115.8
31 Aug 2015, 10:16 am
My dear wife of five years and best friend of seven years, Jacklyn, you are beautiful and loved.
I really do love you Jackie, just as I did before when we we courting, and I really want us to be healed and restored. I've never had to deal with being broken up with before, much less divorce, as you have been my only love, the only person who has loved me romantically, so I really don't know how to respond, much less how to win back your heart. I do love you and want to talk with you constantly and fix everything between us. I wish we would just be healed and restored together again. I miss all the good days with you and I hope we have many more.
Things I like about you: you're smart; you're into cool things like Star Trek, Stargate, Doctor Who, you're good at games like Core Worlds and any other game, your voice is sweet and gentle just like you, despite what I said a few months ago I actually do like how you wear skirts and dresses as it's very 1800's to 1950's and that's cool, I liked your fixation on the Amish and how it complemented my fixation on the age of sail and the era of Nathaniel Bowditch. It's impressive how well you can sew and make dresses and even make teddy bears. How good you are at cooking (your matzo ball soup is the best Jackie) was nice. How you used to so cutely sing me songs, even how you'd randomly ambush me and grab me. I miss how amorous and full of love and joy you were - I wish and hope that can be restored. I like how we'd pick a restaurant at random and just get whatever and just enjoy spending our time together. Your way of speaking cutely was cute. How you'd suddenly squeeze me and say, "mine!" was adorable. How you would spend so much time arranging your hair, even though, no matter what, you're beautiful, was cute. How much we relate on everything, even both of our dads having the same birthday, both of us being born on the first days of a year (yours of the Gregorian calendar and mine the first day in James Ussher's chronology), both of us being banned from WallFart for stuff we didn't do, both of us being descended from desposed royalty, both of us having Asperger's syndrome, both of us believing in a literal Genesis and being young earth creationists, both of us wanting to be unique enough to try to act like things were aren't (like your stories and my liking to pretend to be an alien in order to freak people out and such, although with the extent of my Asperger's syndrome I don't have to act that very much), and both of us having saved our first kiss for the person we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with - which I gave to you on our wedding day.
It was nice that we went to Comedy Sportz on your birthday this year, Buca, and the hotel with the hot tub you liked after we were sure we could afford it. That was what I had intended for your 30th, rather than your 32nd, birthday. I'm sorry working at Walgreen's didn't help me to do that then. I'm glad you got to enjoy your last birthday we shared together so far the way I meant for you to enjoy your milestone birthday.
I should have never mentioned divorce, it should have never been even a thought, I should have never allowed myself to distrust you. I should just trust you, my soulmate, my helpmeet, my wife, and never have to worry about anything. I shouldn't have ever called you lazy or complained about you. I was wrong and I'm sorry. I don't know what to do to make things right, but I'm willing to try. Would you please forgive me?
I wish we had never let the sun go down while we were angry; we should have addressed every issue as it arose rather than let it sit. I wish you hadn't given up on me. I love you now more than ever and this is even after months of painful silence. Sorry if that sounds like a complaint, but I really do love you that much that I haven't given up on you even after all this. I don't care what your brother says or thinks of me, I really do love you and I mean it. Failure should not be an option for us, we should make this work out no matter what. That's agape love, that's how God loves Israel, and that is how through God I love you again.
I've not given up on you. I hope you'll appreciate this someday. I love you Jackie and I'm not giving up on you. I hope someday you'll fight for me just as much as I'm fighting for you (metaphorically speaking of course, I don't like physical violence. I do like video games and action movies, but those aren't real. Wars are sometimes necessary, but as Isaac Asimov said, "violence is the last refuge of the incompetent".)
Life doesn't have to be like this Jackie. The silence could end in an instant if you wanted it to and we could start addressing our issues and healing ourselves. The sooner the better in my opinion, because we should have never let them get to the point that we'd even think about leaving each other. I wish you'd see it that way. I wish I knew what you were thinking. You could always tell me, you're always free to contact me and you're always welcome back into my life. I wish you'd never'd left, but if you didn't then I was going to divorce you -- but as it is, what you've done has helped to restore my love for you. I know how weird that may sound, but it's true regardless. If I had divorced you, I would be the inconsolable one but instead you are - but you are a better person than me and I hope you're not absolutely inconsolable and that we'll eventually both love each other stronger than before.
I'm sorry that I neglected quality time with you, which is the love language we have in common, in favor of playing video games. Now I'm playing Killzone: Mercenary and Call of Duty Black Ops Declassified as well as watching all the Star Trek Deep Space Nine that the library has, biding the time while you're away and avoiding writing your brother in kind. For your sake, I forgive him. I'm glad to find out you were being honest and it has helped restore my trust in you though. I wish your brother and my sister weren't so much alike, but at least you never have to worry about my valuing her opinion over yours. You matter to me more than anything or anyone else in life and there is nothing I want more in life than for us to love each other again and our marriage to be renewed. I could have every video game in the world and all the wealth and technocrap in the universe, but without you nothing matters. Without your love, my life is empty. Does this make me shelfish, to desire the wife of my youth and her alone, to want nothing more than for us to be together again? If it does, then I must be a lobster.
I know I do have much compared to some in worse poverty, but you matter more to me than anything I have or want to have. Your friendship means more to me than any other friendship ever and your love for me the same. I know right now you're probably not going to reciprocate my feelings for you, but I want you to know just how much I truly do love you and am willing to give up everything for you. I'm sadly sure I could don itching ears and could just give up caring, change my beliefs, be unrepentant, and find someone else even though, Biblically via Christ, such is considered adultery by God as per Matthew 5:32 and Paul in Romans 7:3. Yet I am choosing to go the opposite, according to the current culture of today in which people are disposable and replaceable like everything else nowadays, and depressingly seemingly impossible route of attempting to repair my relationship with you. You are my first and only girlfriend, you are my one true love, you are the woman I vowed before God to spend the rest of my natural life with through the good times and bad, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, and I am not going to give up on you. It is not just a matter of honor or honesty or even arbitrary theology, but I really do love you no matter what any in-laws may say, think, or actually believe. I love you Jackie and I always will.
Jackie, if you ever do return, I don't expect you to do all the work and housework (and I'll do my best to stop complaining in hyperbole about when I did that), but I want you back in my life because I love you and like spending my time with you. Yes, it would be nice if you'd again be willing to drive me to work and such practical matters, but I could call a bus or taxi if you'd like. It's tiresome and sweaty to walk everywhere, but I'm willing to do that if it matters to you. I don't think I'd be a good driver, but if you really want I'll finally get a license and transport myself. I might actually be able to save up for a car and permits now, so I might be able to transport myself anyway. I don't know if that was ever an issue, I wish you'd tell me. Personally though, I think it's safer to fly a helicopter than drive a car. Far less entropy in flight than on a road with many more vehicles and far less space and so many factors of insanity. Whatever you want though, I'll do. That stuff matters not compared to loving you and just wanting to go on dates with you. I want to eat out with you. Watch movies with you. Cuddle and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation or whatever else you'd want as long as I'm with you. I want to spend all my days with you Jackie. I really do love you Jackie, I hope you know that.
I miss everyday when you used to squint your eyes and smile when I kissed your nose. I miss when you used to say, "e", when I said, "I love you." I miss when lilacs equalled kissies. Does it make me selfish to want that again? Does it make me selfish to want to rekindle our love? Does it make me selfish to want to spend all my days seeking to make you happy? Does it make me selfish to spend this time, while were divorced,when the world says it's "okay" to find someone else, and instead of that I'm seeking reconciliation with you? Does it make me selfish to love you and keep letting you know you're loved? I love you Jackie and nothing Matthew or anyone can say will change that. I'm sorry I offended your brother and now he's acting like my sister Beth, but I still love you and want to be married to you again and spend all the rest of my natural life with you. I mean it when I say it Jackie. I love you. I'm sorry if you have any doubts about it, I wish I could take the doubts away, but no matter what I still love you Jackie.
I love you Jackie, as I said on our wedding day I will say it again: I will love you now and always, through the good times and bad, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, I am yours. Period. We vowed before God that we'd spend all our days together, and I am sorry that you currently want us to spend our lives apart, but my word is my bond and I am committed to you no matter what. Our marriage is a covenant, an unbreakable committment, and I'm going to keep my word and continue loving you no matter what. I am choosing to keep my vows and continue loving you even if it remains unreciprocated. I sincerely hope you'll love me again and that we will be reconciled, that is my hope, but I will love you regardless. You are loved Jackie; I love you Jackie.
I'm sorry I paid so much attention to video games instead of to you. I should have never made you jealous or wasted my time on stupid stuff like XCom: Enemy Unknown or any temporal parasites otherwise when I should have been giving you all my time and attention. I wish I could really figure out time travel and do this over, but we can only travel forward in time, living in the present, leaving the past behind us, and hoping for a better future. For me, I'm hoping my future will be spent with you again and that we'll both have learned and grown and be the grown ups we need to be if we ever are to raise our own children. Either way, whether you never return or, yay!, you do, I'm committed to you and I love you Jackie.
You may not have expected me to repent, but I have and still am. You probably are confused and disbelieving because it goes against your expectations, and as a Latin proverb goes , "men most easily believe that which they already do", and so it is most difficult to believe what you don't yet. But look, I do love you Jackie. Would I be fighting for our marriage after all this time if I didn't? If I really wanted anyone other than you, being divorced now, this would be the right time to seek another. But I'm not seeking anyone else, I don't want anyone other than you. Instead of "looking for a replacement", I'm seeking reconciliation with you Jackie. I love you Jackie.
Sorry if it seems like I keep a record of wrongs, and sorry even more when I necromance past wrongs, but I do have an unfortunately excellent memory and it's difficult to not have it replay sometimes. From just what the birds' whistling was to remembering seeing my dad dead in his chair at home, his eyes foggy and yellow, right before mom a friend from church prayed over him and he came back to life -- for a few hours anyway, that was the last time I saw him on March 30th, 1999AD, and then he died the last time at VA Hospital in Dallas Texas on March 31st 1999AD at 6:30am. I will try to be more responsible with what I say, but I wish no one had as good a memory recall as mine, at least if their life were as full of sadness as mine. I suppose it would be nice to have everything on instant replay if one only had good memories. Either way, I love you Jackie and I'm sorry I doubted you.
I forgive you Jackie, and I'm sorry if it feels awkward to hear, but I do. I forgive you for divorcing me. I forgive you for not giving me a chance. I forgive you for not speaking with me. I forgive you for everything else which is in the past as well as the present. I hope you'll forgive me and love me again too. I love you Jackie.
It's easy to recognize rudeness in others, like if you were to be a greeter at WallFart and had to deal with most people not returning your greetings or even recognizing you out of "common" courtesy as a fellow human being. I thought of a way to improve that actually. If WallFart greeters were allowed to wield Romulan disruptors and vaporize anyone who was rude to them, customers there would start acting polite for the first time in a century. Of course that's not realistic or right, because rudeness isn't a capital crime but just a passive-aggressive form of being mean which is more common than "common courtesy". Of course, from a customer's point of view, they just want to shop and buy stuff and many don't want to be bothered with the "little people" they step on. Some don't think like yuppies though, some just have had a bad day and are jerks to literally everyone they meet - unless it's someone who can benefit them. And there's some scammers who act nice to your face until they've stolen as much as they can from you and then disappear. Then again, there are also customers who know what it's like to be treated like crap and have vowed to themselves to never be rude to people who are stuck working with the general public. Having Asperger's, I think it's more difficult to see other people's perspectives, but I can guess somewhat I think. It's like in Dale Carnegie's course though, as well as the Bible, everyone justifies themselves in their own eyes -- that's one reason why "the heart is deceitful above all things". So while the customers are rude to the workers, the customers see their own behavior as perfectly acceptable. Somehow.
I never noticed communication breaking down between us, I actually thought we were starting to communicate better, right before you left and stopped communicating altogether. I'm not bringing this up to scold you or whatever, but I just don't get why we went from one extreme to the other with no warning and no chance to fix things. I wish they would have happend differently, so that we could have gotten healed and have our love for each other renewed without having to go through this horrible time of separation. But it did, and I forgive you for it and I still love you Jackie.
I'm sorry I didn't focus on you more. I'm sorry I wanted a break from work, thus requiring you to work again. I'm sorry I called you "my laz-er" instead of "my craz-er" which you liked it seemed, it was an accident but I'm sorry I justified it by saying that you really had become lazy since Kid's Dominion first fired you. I'm sorry for the third time I called you lazy outright, though I don't remember the context. Sorry for complaining about my having cleaned out the car 328 times in a row, but I do now wonder if that's why you picked March 28th to abandon me on. Sorry for complaining about you in general, I really shouldn't let myself do that.
Sorry if I've expected too much from you. I know it's nearly impossible to find work when employers aren't hiring, although most people who have work seem to have a bizarre notion that those who don't can just "get a job" but choose not to because "they're lazy", which completely ignores the fact that employees don't decide whether or not they're hired. I'm sorry that when we were first married and I couldn't find work that I didn't do more housework. I should have. I was, as you said, your house-husband for the first two years. The third year together was good though, when I worked at Walgreen's. I hated the low pay, long hours, and rude customers, but, as for us though, we were a team then. I wish we had that again.
I don't expect that we'll ever be anything again, but I certainly hope that we will. I know I can't do anything to change your heart and it has to be God who does that, but I hope you'll eventually appreciate that I haven't given up on you. I hope we'll be back together someday just enjoying life together again, and I hope you'll be glad I didn't stop caring. I know it seems highly unlikely in humanoid terms, but I'm hoping God will make it work out somehow. 115 Jackie, I love you.
You ever notice when watching the movie Hudson Hawk that it's easy to want to drink a cup of coffee? I don't even like coffee, but whenever I watch that movie I want to drink coffee and play Nintendo with you. Would you ever want to play Nintendo with me again? At some point it would be nice to have an NES. I still have the Wii that we got. Would you ever want a WiiU? The birds say that word a lot. tongue emoticon I think you liked the WiiU that you played on at WallFart almost every time we went there, perhaps partially because you could turn Mario into cat. Jackie, you're cute.
I love you Jackie and I'd like to give you a gift, if you don't mind. I know you'll probably still not respond, but it's wrong not to try and so I'm trying to restore us anyway. Sorry for my pessimism and feel free to prove me wrong. I heard you'd like to hang out with your friend Sandra and you just don't have the means. Well, for now I'm making $337 per week and I would like to pay for your vacation. I can just deposit the money directly into your account without you having to do anything - other than write me. If you need extra money for food or shopping, just let me know and I'll walk over to the bank as soon as I've read your message and transfer what I can ASAP. I get paid on Wednesdays and it's about a two hour walk from the library to the bank. I want you to be happy Jackie, I do, and if this is a way I can help you to be happy and show you I love you, then I'm glad to help. I'm willing to pay for your vacation, if you'd only start speaking with me again. I know you're not a golddigger and I'm not trying to suggest that you are, but this is one of the few ways I can positively affect your life in order to show you I still love you.
Jackie, this may sound quacky, but in poetry my skills are lacking. Every day since you've left me is crazy, making me wonder why you've left our range, making life as difficult as rhyming orange. Out of visual range you've been, even though I've been attempting to hail you again and again. Sadness is known, depression reknown, the silence fills the space in between like a flood in a vacuum. Why must it be this way? Why must you act this way? Everything could be good, just as it should, if you only would want to be together again and brave this weather of sadness together. Though a nebula of sadness and doubt has descended upon us, in an instant, as if on cue, everything can turn about and all the grief can then be rescended. Your leaving was a tragedy, but your returning would be a joy if you ever should. I sure wish you would. I wish I knew what to do, what to say, to bring us back together today. Why must it be this way? It doesn't have to be this way. In just a day, you could change course and this ship turn around. Like Voyager we've been lost in the Delta quadrant, our differences divide our quarters, but once communications are restored then everything deplorable can be made restorable. What is now old can be made new, if only you would be willing to scold the shillings. In good times and the bad, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, you said. I remember that day when you said those words. All the days before were bad, the weather terrible, but on our day the clouds went away. This time since you've left has for me been the same, but if you'd return the clouds would depart almost as soon as were no longer apart. I wish you'd return home, the sooner the better, and then we could brave this sad weather together. The reign of sadness would end and only tears of joy would fall from the stars. If it would only take gold pressed liquid platinum, I would so make this happen, but your heart is worth far more than money and makes all wealth smell as funny as a vegan's fart. However long it will take, I hope we'll make it through this sad time together and our love for each other reemerge stronger than ever.
You are loved Jackie. Please speak with me again. I love you Jackie.
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To my lovely Lady Jacklyn:
Did you know I love you?
My Jackie, you're loved and loved!
My Jackie, I do love you!
My Jackie, you're loved and loved!
Precious Jackie, you are loved!
I love you my wonderful Lady,
my Jackie, you're loved and loved!
Yes, you're loved my Jackie!
My beautiful Lady, you're loved and loved!
I love you Jackie!! !
Jacklyn JoHwI' qaparHa'! bI'IHqu' Jackie!
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"In the kingdom of hope, there is no winter."
