Why does it take so long to get over the abuse?

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Rather it was domestic abuse or child abuse or whatever abuse you have encountered why does it take so long to get over it?

Now I know why I have resented my ex and why I had all these triggers and anger, he was abusive and emotional and I just found out he was a narcissistic. It means I am not crazy or too sensitive or a loser or holding a grudge. Even a short relationship with an abuser can cause you harm and damage, it doesn't take long at all

Yes, stay away!

Either it's a matter of the split decision to entirely get away from a scenario like that or it's a matter of showing the aggressor (if that's their role) that their wasting everone's energy and exploiting your humility won't be dignified with a lengthy response. Even if it's just for a day, when I get an earful from one of my parents over work, money, organization or anything else about me I tell them why they're wasting their breath, get in my car and drive, then I decide on somewhere happier to go.

To be a bit more concise, I think you can find shortcuts towards a similar conclusion to the one you reached when you got out of there, albeit a calmer, less emphatic one...

My father is a passive aggressive nutjob any time he thinks no one will notice (i.e. OFTEN) and quite frequently, he understands nothing more poignantly than being ignored right back. Sure, it sucks but I see little choice but to speak that language. When in Rome...

it's difficult to see the line between abuse and your programming ?
as the best people tell you, and others too, you only get what you ask for!
other people have it so much worse !

or getting over it? I don't know what you ask exactly,
using the same neuro-connections is involuntairily, making new is not

and old habits are comfortable, even if they're terrible

They make you question everything and it eventually drives you crazy. Your instincts are wrong because they are denying/lying about it. You have trust issues for not believing them. You're too sensitive because most people wouldn't have an issue with it in the first place. You upset them so you must have done something wrong. You just don't get it so you must be selfish and/or stupid.

So you try harder. You keep things inside to avoid the conflict. You do things for them to make them happy. They were great at some point and that person has to be there somewhere, so if you just do this or that...

You end up becoming a different person. It doesn't matter what happens from there, it's over. They will blame you for everything no matter who initiates the split. They will never understand or care what they put you through. That might be the most hurtful thing of all as it comes from someone who you thought loved you. In the end, you're left with a million questions and a distorted view of reality.

So many reasons, environmental triggers (like reading of a rape in the newspaper), myths about abusers, victim blaming (she asked for it, she wore a short skirt) the way the brain encodes trauma, the lack of good support for victims, the complex interactions between the subconscious and the conscious mind, and defence mechanisms against the pain of recalling the trauma - such as denial, repression, displacement; pressure from others who for their own reasons want to silence you with glib phrases intended to silence you: "just move on! get over it! it's in the past!" New Agers who victim blame in the repugnant way of shaming victims by telling them "but you CHOSE this to happen to you". (They represent themselves as spiritually enlightened but that is a form of emotional and psychological bullying. Be very wary of them, a lot of narcissistic people flock to New Age stuff for some unknown reason).

But the first step, simple though it sounds (it is actually very difficult and may take a long time) is to accept what happened to you instead of trying to repress it as if it never did. We heal from a starting point of accepting reality, even when that reality is monstrous. That doesn't involve accepting it was right (it wasn't) or rushing in to 'forgive' abusers (as some religious people pressure victims to do). (I suggest victims forgo abusers, not forgive them). It starts with: this is what happened to me. And it's a long and complex journey from there. But worth it. And you can complete it. All the very best to you for your healing journey.

Maybe it is because we are more likely to remember negative things than positive, perhaps a survival instinct. I find its easy to start remembering negative things if you get emotional and frustrated. You can avoid that by trying to staying calm and confident, then you quickly start to forget that stuff.

This. It's especially hard if you already have enough issues with making friends or getting in relationships. You get attached because that was the only person (at least in my case) that pretended to accept you. When you go through something as traumatic as abuse especially with someone with an NPD, you start questioning whether or not you're worthy or if that person was right about you even though they weren't. You get people who aren't in your shoes telling you, "You should've known" or "If this person hurt you then why can't you just move on like everyone else?" For real I use to be one of these people and until you personally experience it for yourself, there is no cut and dry explanation. Some people have really good self esteem and outwardly seem to move on but for some of us, it's just traumatic. On the bright side, it would probably helped if you joined a support group or one online with people who have gone through the same experiences as you have because only they can understand. Since getting to know other people, it has made feel like I'm not alone and that no matter what anyone says, you deserve to express your pain. Sometimes when done in a constructive way, it helps to get it out with people who have gone through the same kind of abuse. It isn't something you can snap out of quickly but a process. Hope this helps.

Sometimes a good source of self esteem is as simple as considering how much one survived and the amazing fact that no matter how nasty they act, we can still care about people. As crazy as it may seem I think there's a lot of optimism in strained mental states like these; quite similar to the solitary impulse to survive. People naturally expect the best, and some of them would rather raise the stakes than actually invest themselves.