Who is being unreasonable here?

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"What I want never counts, only what you want always counts!" - that's what my dad said to me and my mom yesterday.

We went on a family trip that was his idea. We were not set on a specific time (we were supposed to get there around dinner time and the drive was 2h so we could even leave at noon and still get there) but dad decided he wants us to leave house at 9AM.

I hated the idea (such early hour messes up my whole routine and causes jet lag symptoms to my body - waking up before 9AM is like getting the clock 3h back) but I didn't complain at all and I was doing my best to wake up and get ready on time. But at 8:50 (despite me visually getting ready - I was dressed up already and going to kitchen to eat breakfast) dad snapped and said "If we don't leave at 9AM we don't go at all".

It was impossible for me to get ready till then, I still needed like 20mins, not 10mins. I tried my best but because of dads yelling and the stress he caused hurrying me up I ended up ready at 9:15. And then he was not ready anymore because he shut down(I believe it was passive-aggressive, manipulative shut down, not sensory overload thing).
Eventually we left the house after mom said "If he doesn't want to go then we go by ourselves.", I said "If he doesn't go then I am not going either because I only woke up because he wanted to go with us such early in the morning, if we were going by ourselves we would go later and I wouldn't have to wake up so early." and dad got his ability to speak back and said "Since when you care about what I want?" and went to the car.

In the car I was trying my best not co complain. I put my ear defenders instead of telling dad to turn down the radio and I said I want to go to front seat only when I already was on my limit with my nausea. And I suggested stopping by a shop after a slow car (that made dad growling) shown up in front of us although I could do it much earlier - I was nauseous and needed some tomato juice, sour yogurt or stomach medicine to get rid of the feeling ever since I ate my breakfast but I didn't want to make dad even more angry by suggesting it so I was holding it for a hour.

We came to the family house at 11:30 in the morning. I was uncomfortable - apparently my clothes were not good for the weather there - but I said nothing because I knew it can't be helped anyway. Aunt prepared us dinner at 12AM - way too early for my stomach(I usually eat dinner about 4-5PM) and way too much (I never eat both soup and 2nd dish at the same time because my stomach isn't big enough and I get stomachache if I do) - but I said nothing again.

I went to the field with my dad, I hurt my leg - I said nothing then (but to be honest it hurt for a moment but I forgot about it fast enough so it wasn't a big deal - for that moment).

Fresh cucumbers we were picking were hurting my hands - I wanted some gloves but I said nothing because noone around me used gloves so I figured it must be unreasonable request.

I was taking care for my 2 year old cousin. She was making me scared by acting unpredictably - I said nothing.

My aunt was smoking next to me - I moved somewhere else but said nothing.

I got tired and wanted to go home but my parents were still talking with family - I said nothing.

I was getting really tired(I was with the family since 7h) and most of the family - including the 2 year old cousin - disappeared already. - I asked "When are we going home?" and waited some more time.

During our way back the effects of dinner finally got me - I become hungry but my stomach was swollen and I needed a restroom. I wanted to get home asap. I said nothing.

Dad stopped by a castle and went out of car. "How long drive from here to our home?" - I asked, to count how long I will still have to last. "30 mins, why?" - dad answered. "Because my stomach hurts and I need a restroom". "Damn it!" - dad yelled but continued going to the castle. We went after him because I figured I feel a bit better when I move.

Then I realized my leg hurts - the same one I hurt on that field. I figured it is not a good idea to walk anymore so I said it to dad and me and mom sat on a bench and dad went to the castle by himself. And dad was happily taking his time. When he finally went out of the castle he looked at us and instead of taking a shortcut to our bench he went around and disappeared somewhere for another a few minutes. Even mom complained that if we did something like this while seeing he was waiting for us he would yell at us. But we said nothing.

Eventually we got to our neighborhood. Dad figured we should go to grandma house to give her some cucumbers and other stuff we gathered. I was quite happy because her house was closer than our and I could use grandma restroom. But my stomachache didn't stop there so I asked my grandma for some medicine. Grandma asked what happened and I said my stomach hurts because I was waiting too long and dad made it even longer because he wanted to take photos of the castle. Then mom exaggerated "Yeah, he was staying there like 30 mins despite knowing how she feels!" (I didn't count time but I don't think t was more than 15 mins, not including the walk). Dad overheard it. And he snapped.

"What I want never counts, only what you want always counts!" - he said. That were the last words he said to us. He doesn't speak to us now and he was sleeping in the quest room last night instead of my parents bedroom.

I don't understand. I was ignoring my needs so he can get what he wants the whole day and suddenly his wants "never count"...

I am the kind of person who just packs up my things & moves elsewhere if someone within the house-hold is the type to ever direct their anger at me for any reason. Especially since I never initiate aggression upon others.

Your dad is clearly being unreasonable here. I hate having to deal with unreasonable people, because they never listen to logic and behave unreasonably, so it's hard to understand why they are doing things.
Since you know he is unreasonable, don't worry so much about him, just focus on yourself and your mom. Whenever someone teaches me that nothing I do is good enough for them, then I stop trying. It would be unreasonable for me to continue to try to please them, so I don't. They'll be upset with me regardless, so at least now I have something to show for it, (not having to even consider them.)
Anyway, focus on yourself and your mom. Good luck and stay safe.

That is a horrible situation to be in. You either had to put up with a lot of yelling/anger by being honest, or physical discomfort/pain with a smaller amount of anger by remaining quiet.

If you communicated honestly with him about your discomfort, he would be angry each time, and the day trip would have been much more complicated and stressful. Yet because you didn't communicate, he has no way of knowing just how reasonable you were being.

People who successfully and habitually use fear to get what they want (to censor other people voices) protect their interests at the expense of other people; because you have learned that its better to be quiet, he never has to deal with the reality and can continue to treat you both like you are selfish and spoiled.

Your dad was unreasonable, not you.

Your dad sounds a bit passive aggressive. My parents are like that too a lot. Must be some sort of middle age thing.

I think it'd be reasonable for you to get the hell outta there as soon as possible.

Their house or their money, their rules. Nothing they do, by definition, is unreasonable. If you disagree, you have to leave, period.

I'm sorry, but this assertion is unreasonable. If they didn't want to have someone around with another opinion on things, they should have had a dog instead of a child. They added a child into the mix. There are consequences for that. One of those consequences is that the child is a person, with their own ideas and thoughts and wants. If you can't convince the child to follow the rules, and the best you have is my rules or the highway, you are being unreasonable. A reasonable person will sit down with their children and discuss the rules and change them as needed. If you can't give a reasonable argument for why your own child should listen to you beyond because you're bigger than them and they basically have no choice, then you really need to get some therapy and start studying human interaction and relationships, because that's no way to treat someone you love. This is basically a dictatorship.
If you are on the receiving end of this, I'm sorry. Make sure they understand how what they are doing makes you feel. They chose to have you, you have not chosen them, and if they continue in this vein, you'll be rejecting them.
Good luck and stay safe.

I have only heard your side of the story, so I can't figure out who is being unreasonable.
I would have to hear your dad's side of the story to make a fair assessment.
But I don't think the situation is all that bad.
It seems that you and your dad were annoyed with each other from the morning problem.
Possibly you and he didn't let that go all day.
Unless there are deeper issues, this seems like a regular family friction, not anything like your dad is horrible to you, or you are horrible to your dad.

Yeah, you are probably right. Dad might have his reasons. He still doesn't talk with us and still spends all his time in quests room. It's 3 days of his "shutdown" already... But it isn't that bad actually because he cooks his own meals now and takes care of himself so we don't have to cook for him - he has a meal routine "Dinner must contain potatoes, meat and salad" that we hate but he forces on us because if we wanted to eat something else we would have to cook 2 dinners.

However he answered when mom tried to talk to him yesterday. She said something about it not being my fault and he yelled at her: "It wasn't one time thing! You(plural) always do it! You(singular) did the same thing last time I wanted to get on the castle too!". I don't remember what happened last time but we visit the castle almost every time we got to visit the family and it is in middle of 2h drive in middle of nowhere so I suppose mom might really do something last time and he still remembers it although we have no clue what it could be.

I think everybody had issues here. You had the ones you stated and your dad was probably feeling pretty much unimportant and overwhelmed with everything.

I think that everybody could do with sitting down and hearing each other out and trying to see it from each others points of view and coming up with a good compromise solution for situations like that in the future. And also for your dad to learn to speak up and tell y'all when he's feeling unimportant rather than just whining about it.

Sounds like your dad really wanted to go on this trip, and that doing it in his own particular way was important to him for some reason - but the whe thing really did not suit you at all.

Perhaps the reasonable thing to do would have been for him to go on this trip by himself, or perhaps with your mom (if she actually enjoys those trips), and for you to do something else during that time - something that you actually like doing. Or alternatively, if there is some other activity that you actually like doing with your parents, you could have proposed doing that instead - or at the next weekend, maybe.

Doing stuff you don't like doing "for someone else's sake" usually doesn't do anyone any good. You may be scared of offending him by saying no, but the whole story of how he went up to the castle alone makes me think that he probably would have been happy to just do his own thing, and any disappointment over you not joining in would have worn off quickly. Of course, I've never met the man, so take my words with a grain of salt

The point is I wanted to go to that trip (I like riding the car and eating vegetables right from the field) but it was lasting too long for me to stand.

He asked me a few days before that if I want to go visit the family and I said I do and I suggested to go there during the week (Monday-Friday) because mom was working till noon so we had enough time everyday (leave as soon as mom gets from work, get to family at 14:00-15:00, stay there about 4h till 18:00-19:00 return home about 20:00-22:00, visiting the castle on way if needed). This way I wouldn't have to change my evening and morning routine, my stomach wouldn't be upset because I would eat breakfast at proper time and I would have to socialize with the family for about 4h, not 9h. But he decided to go there on Sunday and leave house early anyway, ignoring my concerns (or rather getting angry at them: "Sure, we are going out late because you have to sit late in the night and sleep till the afternoon!", "We will be traveling for 2h one way just to say hello and return home!").

BTW. Dad still doesn't talk to me.

This Sunday I wanted to go to an event to a castle close to our city (15kms) with a friend so I asked my dad if he is going to the event. He was mute for a while but as I didn't stop staring at him he answered: "I am definitely not going with you".

So I made a plan my mom is going to give me a ride to friends house (3kms) and my friends parents are going to give us a ride to the castle (mom refused to give us a ride any further because she was having visitors). Then, less than a hour before I were to show up at friends house dad said to mom "I am leaving to the castle." and almost took moms car.

I am not 100% sure what happened exactly (I melted down soon after he left so my memory is blurry) but a fiery discussion started. Dad ended up angrily taking his own car (that often breaks and which mom is unable to use). I couldn't understand why he never told me he is going to the event despite me asking him and I was angry at myself for not predicting he might want to take the only car mom can use and figuring I can't make any plans because I am just not fit for that because I am unable to predict everything so I am better off not going to any events and not meting anyone ever. And mom was angry at me for not asking my friend parents for picking me up from home - but I considered this possibility rude because they would have to go 3kms and then go 3kms back because their home is on the way to the castle from our home - I shouldn't be asking strangers for going additional 6kms like that, right? My friend parents feel sort of like nobility, they seem intimidating to me.

no offence, but from reading this story, it appeared like you kept nearly all your issues for yourself, trying to not even appear uncomfortable.

if this is the case, how was your dad supposed to know that you were uncomfortable? for all he could see, you were perfectly fine, but just asking for some things that inconvinienced him at times.
To an outside observer: you would have been pointed as the unreasonable one...

Perhaps if you voice your issues sometimes (voice them; don't complain, just mention), perhaps he'll realise that you are considering his needs as well, supressing your own discomfort for his happiness

Man, your account brought back some horrible memories of childhood trips with my Dad. His schedule was very regimented too.

All in all, I think your Dad is unhappy in the marriage. Especially since he is sleeping on his own and cooking his own meals. Sounds like he's making moves to separate from the family. May not be a permanent thing, so don't panic. Just give him his space and let him work through his feelings. He seems to be bothered that his real family is not living up to his imaginary one. Bit childish, but it happens. Kudos to you for keeping your temper under stressful conditions!

I'd have to agree. You have to learn to advocate for yourself when with other people, including your family (since they seem like they can't read you very well).

I advocate myself when I am pretty much with anyone but him. I know how to speak out when I don't like something. I even do it in classroom towards the teachers!
But I learned the hard way that I cannot tell about any issues to my dad (and neither my mom can, although she is NT and is fluent in sugarcoating).
I can't even tell him about any of my problems that are not related to him. For example when I need some help with homework and ask him if he perhaps has a clue how to solve it(practical problem related to the field he worked in before) he yells at me that he doesn't know and I am attending school for the very purpose to learn this and if I don't know how to do my homework then my school is not doing it's work properly or I am not paying enough attention at lessons and an idiot.