sleep is not happening...

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If I keep at my technology pursuits much of any longer and play my cards decently I'll hopefully have my money situation sorted out for the rest of time. I'm terrified the remainder might be nothing but business though...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

It's like my brain is dissolved into the internet and I can't tell who if anyone in this huge anonymized blob might be talking to me at this hour.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Will I be able to keep track of anybody I know today if I leave my home town? I've been here before but not in my basement at 3AM with the cat

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Sorry for the quadruple post everybody, I've just had too much editing to think about for one person lately. Most of it is not in spoken language. Y'all think I type too much on here?

I can't get a word in edgewise without my family attempting to dictate how much money I should be making and I have no idea what will happen if I lose track of my friends for even a year or so. I don't even need to speak with some of my friends for them to understand our lines of thinking. I keep thinking I should just disappear into the mountains and work outdoors more. The alternative seems to be jet-setting my mind into near-constant vertigo just to indulge my scientific curiosity. Technology mixes business with pleasure entirely too much and it's never even remotely my sort of partying, even with good food and wine I'm terrible with crowds. I just got off ANOTHER jet from that place with the Windows and I see no reason in going to sleep. No matter if I choose modernity or nature, I'm living on my wits alone and I don't know if I'll ever get to live on my wits alone together.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Hey buddy,

I understand, at least somewhat, what you are going through.

You're quite a intelligent person, but you can't avoid the rough transition from adolescence to adulthood.

I think you're going to be all right, personally. You have a sensible mind.

It's difficult to imagine any conditions under which I'd "grow up". I just don't want to keep my shenanigans all to myself.

I liked MarketandChurch's signature:
"It is not up to you to finish the task, nor are you free to desist from trying."

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I don't even think aspies have a monopoly on being lost in the western world.

My friends (as always, unlike almost my entire family) understand where I'm coming from about these things and therefore understand my tendency to drop off the map for months and sometimes years on end. I'm not even dwelling on my past (which was a rather demanding and at times extremely violent place to be) but I'll accept those thoughts insofar as they can help me keep such dreadful forces away from the people I love. Hell, what does it matter in that context if I see them again? I just want to show everyone some good adventures, not pick bones about the nature of why the 'profitable poverty' of academic life has driven so many of us into nigh-quarantined lifestyles of creative repose. I have no school to call my own anyway...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I've found when setting up a routine and planning out the day and using tech to track my calories with what I eat and setting set sleep times I found myself being able to sleep almost instantly.

Also using apps with white noise, rain and waterfalls helps as well connected to a small blue tooth speaker.

Hardest part is when new tech or a games come out which is my interest and I break the rountine and then I am up all night

I just woke up. As dumb as it's gonna seem in this context I just don't think the world wants anything to do with me, except convince me to drop my life as-is and move to Wisconsin to build something they're contractually barred from explaining. I sent my friend a text to check on when we're both free to go ride some bikes but it's noon on a Thursday. I have plenty of friends, I'm just resigned to the idea they'll see me when/if they want to. It's like society simply hasn't found a way to lock guys like me up in laboratories yet. Only a tiny minority seems to think I have any business around humanity...

I used to enthuse all day and night about new technology releases or even when I got my hands on a design I'd been curious about. These days I place more emphasis on preparedness than hype, though I've always been staying ready for something.

The last time I found myself building everyone something new, the front desk had visitor passes. In three months I never used one.

I like white noise machines. Could it be I've been passively coerced to annex myself somewhere of little consequence in the (hypothetical) collective subconscious?

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I can't decide if it's healthy or markedly unambitious to fall asleep

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Here I am again, 4:30AM and I'm only JUST sedated enough to drift off. I just need to drop the alertness for a day...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos