20 Sep 2015, 7:26 am
This is a long, but I believe positive, post regarding an epiphany I feel that I have had following discussions with my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist. It is something that has really lifted a great weight from my shoulders, metaphorically speaking, and as I have seen other users post about topics that have also frustrated me, I wonder if this might help to comfort others too. If anyone (quite understandably) can't be bothered to read the whole thing, I have titled the "conclusion" below!
My clinical background: as a young teenager I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was prescribed ritalin to help with concentration at school. I stopped taking it because I didn't like the side-effects. I went to see a GP about the ADHD again when I was in my final year at university because I was worried about passing my exams without medication, but the GP said he didn't think I could study a subject like law if I had ADHD (which I believed to be fallacious reasoning since concentration and panicking were my main problems rather than knowledge of the course material). Fast forward to 2014 and I was diagnosed with mild Asperger's after going through about three different medical professionals who couldn't agree on what condition I had (if any at all) and put me on concerta to help calm my nerves. I then went to see a GP after I moved house in order to get a repeat prescription for concerta, and he decided to delete my Asperger's diagnosis on the basis that I couldn't be an Aspy if I was sociable and had friends (which I also believe to be fallacious as my psychiatrist had previously explained that you can learn coping mechanisms through practice even if you have the condition) and decided once again that I had ADHD.
At this stage I really don't know which condition applies to me, if any. I understand that there is a great deal of overlap between the two. If I were to diagnose myself based on what I know of the two conditions, I would probably be more inclined to say it was ADHD because I think my ability to relate to how others are feeling is instinctive rather than merely learned. Indeed, I am very sarcastic, which suggests that I understand alternate meanings and I am good at reading social situations. But again, I don't really know. All I want to do is get better at coping with life rather than use either diagnosis as a crutch, and to this end I have started going to CBT.
The main reason why I have been so upset for so many years is that I have sometimes felt like I am from a different planet, as many aspies feel (hence the name of this website!).
When I was bullied at school, I was told that I should tell a teacher. However, I soon found that this strategy was very limited when most of the bullying was verbal rather than physical. Verbal bullying is often too widespread, too entrenched and too hard to detect for many teachers to deal with effectively, so there comes a point where the teachers will advise you to simply ignore the bullies (easier said than done) or change something about yourself in order to attract less attention (in my case, to cut my hair short and stop wearing Marilyn Manson t-shirts, which enabled the bullies to get away with it). If I tried to fight back physically, I soon found myself outnumbered or portrayed as the aggressor due to my size. It was the feeling of helplessness in the face of injustice that upset me the most about it all, and I ended up missing a lot of school as a result. I made a final surge of effort to save my GCSE grades so that I could go to college and escape from the misery of school, and I succeeded.
College and university were godsends for me because they were like protective bubbles. The social playing field was much more level, as people were generally more intelligent and their attitudes tended to be more liberal. All that really mattered was passing my exams, so even if I didn't get on with a particular person, I was not obliged to mix with that person in my day-to-day life. My self-confidence rocketed.
One arena in which I continued to have problems was dating. I only really started going out with girls towards the end of school (when I used to meet girls at my local "alternative" club) and in college. While I had some successes, I struggled with the concept that girls I met would often make excuses for why they supposedly couldn't go out with you rather than telling you directly that they just weren't interested, e.g. they would say "I'm too busy for a relationship" or "I'm not ready for a relationship because my ex boyfriend was so horrible" and then go out with someone else (such as that horrible ex-boyfriend). Even those who did go out with me would blow hot and cold and never really seemed sure whether they wanted to go out with me or not. As I got a bit older, I also found that a lot of girls still insisted on the man fulfilling the traditional "manly" role by "taking the lead" in terms of choosing the activity/venue and then paying for everything, which I did not agree with because I thought it was sexist and antiquated.
Strategies for approaching girls in the first place also seemed fatally flawed to me as it seemed that almost every potential avenue could lead to a social faux-pas if you were rejected. Ask out the barmaid? Inappropriate, because she is paid to be nice and it is hard for her to say no. Ask out a girl in a pub? She just wants to have fun with her friends. Ask out a girl in the club? She just wants to dance. Ask out a girl in the shop or at an activity group (e.g. martial arts class)? Now you are a creep who only joined in order to get girls. Ask out a girl you know? She knows you too well as a friend and you have "betrayed" her. I don't say that all or even the majority of girls think this way; however, I have noticed that, if you are rejected, they will sometimes rationalise that you shouldn't have even asked for one of the reasons listed above, which makes a single guy trying to improve his luck scratch his head. The only way to meet girls that doesn't carry this risk is online dating, but this is often a waste of time because response rates (for guys) are so low and you end up having to try and make the most of whoever actually agreed to meet up with you rather than going for someone who really sets you on fire.
The above paragraph is not intended as a rant about girls/women, or about the dating scene in general. The point is that people (of which women make up 50%) are all different, with all sorts of different ideas and personal preferences. Some girls are very liberal in their outlook and see a relationship as a partnership of equals. Others prefer being treated like princesses and actually prefer to take on a submissive role in relationships (not my kind of girl, but some do). And then there are those who want to have their cake and eat it, professing their feminism while still demanding chivalry in dating.
As for the "faux pas" conundrum... well, people have a way of assuming that their own personal preferences are universal rules of conduct, so when a girl says, for example, that it is impolite for a guy to try and chat her up in a bar, she may not appreciate that many other couples get together that way. Almost every guy I know who is in a serious long-term relationship got there by committing some kind of "faux-pas" and getting away with it.
And then there are the hypocrites who may not even realise what they are doing. For example, I have a close female friend who I love and respect dearly, but I still think she has been unfair on the men in her life without realising it. She is easily one of the most beautiful girls I have met in my entire life, but she is also intelligent, down-to-earth, and interested in geeky hobbies. She also listens to metal. This means that she ends up with a lot of beardy blokes wanting to ask her out. She went out with a guy with whom she had been friends for many years, then when she broke up with him a lot of her male friends asked her out and she complained about it being "open season" - but if the last guy was a friend and she went out with him, how could it be wrong for these guys to simply ask?
Coming back to the issue of friendship (I will get to the point in a minute, I promise!), I mentioned above that university was a bit like a bubble. I found that, when I went back into the real world by working full-time, I had to deal once again with people who were just not on my wavelength at all. When you work full-time you don't always have a choice as to who your colleagues, bosses and potential employers are, so you once again find yourself having to contend with all kinds of unwritten social standards that you may not agree with. For example, in the legal profession it is expected that you will do a certain about of ass-kissing in order to progress your career, or work extra hours just to impress regardless of the quality of your actual work. But more generally, I have found that people are not always as liberal or tolerant of diversity as they were when I was at university, which has led to clashes on occasion. There is also a lot more nonsense that these people buy into that simply isn't present in my core group of friends; for example, they gossip about each other a lot and get involved in all kinds of stupid drama intrigues that my friends really would not have time for.
One of my closest friends from law school and my early days on the circuit got married last year. Back in the day, we were inseparable - we had a band together and people used to joke that we had a bromance going on. He even asked me to be the best man at his wedding. But in the build-up to the wedding, it seemed like he was phasing me out of his life. First I was the best man; then I was the joint best man; then I was merely an usher (in all but name) but I still have to spend £150 on a suit for the wedding; and finally, once he got married, he was constantly "too busy" to meet up even though my other married friends still managed and he only lived round the corner. Eventually I gave up and deleted him from Facebook.
Facebook deletions are something I really struggle to get my head around. Friends and girlfriends who don't make any effort with you seem to get really hyper-offended when you delete them from Facebook; if they weren't interested in being friends with you, why would this bother them? Madness.
CONCLUSION
So, what is the point of all this rambling?
Well, as Aspies, we are told that our social skills are lacking. That there is a difference between IQ and so-called "emotional intelligence" that we are failing to appreciate. We therefore beat ourselves up over our perceived failings and come onto forums like this to ask for advice as to how to navigate the social minefield more effectively. We may also feel sometimes like we are being forced to compromise on our principles - to "let them win" - if we don't want to be alone forever.
When I look back on my childhood through to my years at university, I wonder how much more I might have achieved had I not wasted my time and energy on various people who simply did not deserve that level of attention. There were times when the bitterness and the loneliness became almost impossible to bear.
I'm not saying there is no mileage in taking time to improve your social skills. Many rituals and customs have a logical basis of some kind, e.g. if you just spend the conversation talking about yourself that will be off-putting to the other person, whereas asking them how they are doing and what they are up to will make them feel like you actually take an interest in them.
However, once you get beyond these basic pointers, a simple truth begins to emerge:
PEOPLE ARE WEIRD.
All people, regardless of whether they or not they have some kind of mental disability, have weird habits and expectations that don't really make sense. A lot of it is rooted in historical expectations about gender roles or "normal" behaviour that are not supposed to apply anymore but slip through the net because people don't bother to think about them. Some of it is just plain stupid. But people will often defend these irrational viewpoints to the death and denounce any attempt to make them see reason as some kind of encroachment upon their God-given freedom of opinion (so I guess racism is OK too, eh? 
).
So when you struggle with an aspect of socialising and/or dating, take it with a pinch of salt. Not every problem you encounter is because of something wrong with you. Some people - a lot of people, in fact - are just unreasonable. These people are not right for you, either as friends or as lovers. I understand the impulse, and I have been there, but please, please do not allow your frustration to lead you to try and appease the lowest common denominator by sacrificing your individuality, your passions or your sparkle. You will not be happy and the resentment will only build up inside of you.
Similarly, don't try and psychoanalyse these people. They may not be self-aware themselves, and trying to get inside their heads is just a recipe for further frustration.
So yes, by all means, seek out the help and support that you need from forums such as this. But don't sacrifice who you are. Be proud of what you stand for and take pleasure in doing the things you love. If you prefer video games to football, then play video games regardless of what "street cred" you think it gives you. Life is too short to waste it pretending to be something you're not in order to appease stupid people you will never really understand anyway. This is why Led Zeppelin are awesome and Rihanna sucks.
You can't win every battle, and many of your complaints about the injustice of socialising and dating are entirely valid. But you can win the war. Focus on people who matter to you, not appeasing the masses. Befriend people who will appreciate your friendship and respond in kind. Love people who will love you back. These people are out there and you will find them, no matter how long it takes. Trust me. We will all find our place in the world.
