Anxiety Problems I'm Currently Facing

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For as long as I can remember, I've always had trouble with friends. Making friends wasn't the hard part, but keeping them was a herculean effort.

It took until High School to realize how hard it was. The people who I thought were my friends pretty much ditched me by the time senior year came around, rarely ever inviting me to go with them with lunch. I think it was because I never hung out with them after school (my parents worked long hours and never could take me anywhere to see them, and because they didn't know my friends and couldn't trust them). So, after we all graduated, I lost pretty much all contact with them up till now. Social Media is pretty sh***y for that purpose. Even the mexican girl who was the friend I thought actually cared about me pretty much dropped all contact with me, possibly due to her work and me trying to start a long distance romantic relationship with her and I told her one too many personal stuff about me (which is a pretty sh***y reason to ignore someone for if you ask me).

Now that I'm out of school, I pretty much don't have any friends to be around. My cousin from Truro is pretty much the only person my age who's willing to hang out with me. I know someday he will leave me for a job or a woman or some other reason. I just do. The people I contact most work in the local mall that I stop by on my morning walks to say hi to them if they're not busy.

But, to be honest with myself, I like talking to them because of how low stakes it is. I can just go there for a minute or two to talk to them and be on my way back on my walk. Then there's this guy at the Sobey's.

He's related to me on my mother's side and he's pretty cool, he likes a lot of the nerdy stuff I do like Lovecraft, Marvel Movies, Rick and Morty, interests in literature like Kurt Vonnegut, videogames, stuff like that. But the problem I have with him and the aforementioned people at the mall is that I'm afraid to talk to them. It makes me think of one time when I was talking to the owner of my local comicbook store and It was like I was speaking another language to him. I don't even know why I bother getting board games like Adventure Time Munchkin, Donkey Kong Jenga or Risk: God Fall. No one wants to play with me unless its a videogame. I wasted lots money on that s**t. No one to blame but myself.

Back in High School, I learned an important lesson. People will think of me as a stalker freak if I talk to them too many times I day. I mentally made "talking tokens" each day for the allotted amounts of times I could talk to people, three each day to be precise. Then I thought they wouldn't hate me. But I learned this too late, and I hate myself each day for it. It's starting to feel that I just can't make friends to last. That I'm just going to have to be used to being alone because no one wants to be around me for long and I'm just that pathetic. They don't know me, they get to like me and then they get to know me. That's when it goes to s**t. If I was smart enough to avoid that pitfall maybe people in school would still like me and I wouldn't have eaten alone. Maybe If I wasn't so f*****g stupid I wouldn't have been in abusive relationships with my friends and picked out a new group to hang with. But I'm too much of a puss to change and my doctor hit the nail on the head when he said I have a fear of rejection.

I actively avoid people some days, in case of conversations ever going nowhere and leading to awkward pauses. Those are always red flags to me, their departure from my life imminent. It happened to me all the time back then, and soon we'd have nothing to talk about and just never talk again. I feel so lonely at times, especially with my reclusive father retiring from work this year and he's not always good to be around (especially if he goes on bigoted conservative rants that make out to be some idiot who needs to be "educated"). My anti-anxiety pills help slightly, but sometimes I still feel anxious. Like my problems regarding wanting to cut myself earlier this year, the feelings I have. I've been told that there's no point in going to a therapist because they'd just give me more doses of the pills and not really help. My family's had bad experiences with therapists in the past.

Even in forums like here, like the asexual forums, like my old nerdy forum I couldn't find much reason to keep with them. I can't connect to people, I can't bring myself to meet them in person, I have such a horrid time trying to convince myself to not go too in depth about my interests since no one really cares, I honestly don't know how to make social connections anymore, unless they're highly superficial and just barely acquaintances. Maybe that's why I don't see the point in exercising, I have no one to really care about to keep in shape (my mom told me both sides of my family have heart disease, but If I die in my 60's from a heart attack, so what?).

I don't know what to do. I just want to know someone not obligated due to being family just shows a sign of caring for me. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I can't even bring myself to buy a D&D set because I know no one would be interested in playing with me. I tried making friends with a guy who has aspergers like I do but that never really went anywhere. The only thing that's not marred by my fear of rejection is my desire to make a book series about an autistic, asexual atheist fighting lovecraft monsters in his Nova Scotian town that's run by a cult.

I know how you feel op, it seems the anxiety only gets worse the more alone you feel.

I wish I had advice, I'm in the same boat, but all I can offer is sympathy and understanding.

Everyday I feel more that the only solution is death, and it gets harder to fight that.