Going, going ...

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gone soon.
I've contacted my friend about buying a handgun. I'm going to take my kitties to my Mom's. They're older and not too much to handle. I had hoped to stick around until my Mom died, but she's on her own.
I'll shoot Henry first and then myself.
I feel bad about leaving a mess, especially for my mother, but my only other option is to kill her to, and it's not my business to do so.

Times are bad for us all.

please try to get help

we'll all deal with this burden, we can survive if we fight for it just don't give up

So, just what happened? You sound distraught.

Too many rejections. No one in my life who is worth living for. There's no reason for me to be here anymore. The only one I feel bad about is my Mom. I had hoped to wait until she died, but I just can't take it anymore.

Who is Henry?

My dog. I would try to rehome him, but he's extremely aggressive. I haven't been able to find any one who could cope with him.

When did you last have some time off work?

Today is my first day off in 10 days.

I couldn't do ten days in a row, it must have taken a lot of energy, when is your next day off?

I've got today and tomorrow off.
I've really reacted badly to this: link to thread

I think some childhood issues may have been tapped. Trying to calm down, but just so angry.

Would you like one of us to post on your other thread? To say that you have been triggered and would like people to not reply to it at this time?

Thank you, but that's not necessary. Input is helpful. I'm am attempting to ground myself. I have such nasty self destructive instincts. It is helpful to hear from others.

Negative emotions are, unfortunately, a strong motivator. I often fall into the trap of thinking that: a) the feeling/s will never pass, or: b) it's not worth waiting them out.

Is this how it is for you?

I can only guess that she asked you to move because of a related child protection policy. I love watching meadows moving in the breeze, it's almost meditative.

Daycare centres are very noisy places, even if you are not noise sensitive I think you could benefit from a reprieve from the stimulation, do you have noise cancelling headphones you could use for your breaks? To listen to white noise or something very gentle?

Have you ever tried walking meditation? It might work better for you than sitting meditation.

Audio link

Thank you all. I just wanted to say that I seem to have survived this meltdown. My friend refuses to get me a gun because "you'll just blow your head off." Truth is that in the moment I can be violently self-destructive. This thread has helped me to get through without any damage. I appreciate your help.