Paralyzing fear of success.

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The pile of work on my desk is growing, and I am making no progress on it whatseover. Instead, I browse Facebook, Wikipedia, read movie reviews, read about video games, generally waste time on the clock browsing non-work related material on my work computer. I guess the only upside to this is that I am not looking at anything pornographic. Yet.

I seriously need to snap out of this. This was how I spent my entire work shift both today and yesterday.

The thing that baffles me is that I know what I need to do to snap out of this. But I remain paralyzed when the time comes for me to actually be productive and to stay in my outer circle. My gut reaction is to flee from whatever is healthy for my emotional and spiritual growth, and to retreat into sloth and insanity. It is exactly like there are very strong parts of my soul that want me to fail in my recovery.

I am not sure how to break away from this paralyzing fear of being successful and happy in my life. I am not sure how to break away from this paralyzing fear of taking the first steps towards reaching for what I believe it is that I truly want in my life. I am at a complete loss here when it comes to compulsive and passive-aggressive acts of self-destruction.

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I do this - a lot. It happened during nursing school too. I just wanted to stay under the covers and never come out. It's happening again now since I'm back in school. What gets me going is just jumping in to the tasks that need to be done and once I start getting some "control" (the main problem because I need to be in control of everything to feel comfortable) over things then it doesn't seem as bad. It seems to get worse if I sit around and think about everything I need to do. I also need my environment in "control" too. I'm trying to clean my condo as much as I can now because I start an accelerated class next week and won't have time to clean. I also just got over pneumonia which really made me feel out of control for 2 solid months.

Yes. Also consider reading up some on yourbrainonporn. There are also some good videos there.
Watching porn and addictions in general will hijack your motivation to accomplish many things and generate anxiety.
The only way I see to become productive is by starving the monkey.

And for me, starving the monkey will involve an extended vacation from Facebook, comedy websites, movie reviews, CNN, XBox websites, YouTube, Twitch, Tumblr, Metacritic, Rotten Tomatoes, and this list can go on forever. I have become ridiculously skilled at finding ways to waste time on the Internet in ways that offer fluffy junk food for the brain. I know how it makes me feel. It makes me feel like I want more. And this hunger for empty calories will have me be an unending consumer, trying to fill up the holes in my soul with more emptiness. It does not make any sense when I put it like that.

And as far as my relationship with pornography goes? I need to break clean from that. I do not have the slightest idea of what healthy sexuality is for me. My only models have been an incestuous family and an unending stream of increasingly kinky pornography. I don't think that being bound and gangbanged by a group of leather bears is healthy sexuality for anybody.

I have a genuine idea of what I want. I want a peer. An equal. A strong man who can play off my strengths while I play off his. I do not want any codependencies, and I want differences that are of the sort where we learn from each other.

As far as what that will look like in my case..... I am not ready for that. I have a long way to go, a lot of wounds to disinfect, drain and heal, a lot of confusion because I know what I want and I do not know what I want at the same time.

I will get to where I need to be. The first step is discarding everything that was force fed to me throughout my life. I have my own life to live. I cannot take on the insecurities of people who are perfectly comfortable with being insecure. I know where that road will take me.

I have to connect my intellect with my knee jerk reactions. My knee jerk reactions go contrary to what I know is going on, and that is detrimental to my recovery. I know people are projecting their petty insecurities on me, and yet, even though I know I should not, I allow them into my heart instead of giving them the dismissal that they deserve.

I have to remove and discard all of the easily accessable buttons that people know they should press if they really want to get under my skin.

Frankly, I have to learn how to not give a f**k when a f**k is not rightfully earned. Not literally, of course.

Did I misunderstand what this thread was about? How did the topic start with fear of success and get to porn?

Is it possible you are interpreting your work delay wrong? When I can't focus, it usually has to do with a b-vitamin deficency. Sometimes, just simply taking a B-Complex vitamin can cure not being able to focus on your work.