I burn down everything I touch and hurt everyone close to me

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Hey guys,

My depression has a taken a turn for the worse, I was already not showering, eating, isolating, etc. However, now I can't sleep, cry daily instead of every other day and engage in self harm. I feel two main feelings and both relate to autism. I feel I am punished from others for being disabled and I use that word to describe my own feelings, I know some of you feel autism is not a disability and I am not trying to cause that train in this thread. And I feel as though despite having the best of intentions, I hurt everyone close to me and set a flame everything I touch. Hell maybe its not even the autism that makes me "disabled", maybe I have other problems but its not normal to suffer as I have. I have lost everyone I consider a friend throughout life, not just the last incident at church though thats a huge part of it. I have lost jobs, been expelled from every school I attend, just barely survive in this world and I am tired. I am tired of conflict, I am tired of doing this social crap. I want to isolate, more than I already have, I want to be the only person on an entire planet.

All these feelings and the only coping skill I have is to walk and God have I walked, I have walked three towns over at all hours of the night and yet at the end the pain is still there. I wish I could wake up at 3:00 in the morning and walk off the face of this planet but yet every time I wake up to do just that, I still end up in misery. Every time I close my eyes I see a sea of faces that I have failed and let down, it keeps me up at night. People I loved but might as well stabbed them in the back and the sad reality in all this is I don't even know how I do it. I don't even know why people get mad me or why relationships end which from a religious stand point is terrifying.

I mean, religious speaking, how can I expect God to forgive me for actions I don't even fully understand? Surely I do something wrong to generate such hate but I don't see it. I have been accused of everything from stalking to threatening people and yet I never pull knife and hold it to someones throat, I see no threatening behavior. It must be the tone and body language but I don't even know what I communicate, can I really be held accountable for something I have no control over (From a higher power, not people).

I don't blame people for shunning me, I just wish they would give me a clue instead of yelling at me, telling me I use autism as an excuse, and finally telling me to never to contact them again. If I had clue, I feel I could learn from my mistakes but this pain will never end cause I doomed to repeat the past if I don't understand it. This makes me more depressed. What in the hell is the point of anything if this is all going to happen again? I move on, I make new friends, just so I can hurt them too?

This best describes what I am feeling now,

"I am tired of Earth. These people. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives."
- Alan Moore

I understand and know how you feel. My anger, though, isn't always turned inward. I turn it towards others because they don't understand me and don't try to, but instead judge me and call me weird or crazy.

While this isn't necessarily a disability, it is something that makes you unique and usually, I noticed people like people who they can relate to. They tend to shun people who are different or even difficult at times. It's not you; it's them.

So don't punish yourself, especially when others appear to be doing so. Find your own happiness and forget pleasing or being accepted by others, because that may never happen. Get to know yourself, because I bet you're pretty darn awesome no matter how people feel about or treat you.

I had to learn early on that how people treat me will hurt but that doesn't mean I can't be happy. I've heard people say how much they don't like talking to me or being around me. I've been on the receiving end of subtle rudeness and smirks when I say stuff that I feel doesn't deserve that response. People can be crappy. Still, I have to live my life and not be sad all the time.

Don't let them waste your life and time.

Thank you FizzyOrange for your support, its encouraging to see a new member so up beat and positive.

Anger is an emotion that goes two ways, it leads to rage and/or depression based on rather we internalize or externalize our circumstances. I tend to internalize my surroundings.



I have an unpopular opinion on this, I would argue that it can be a disability but from a legal stand point anything can be a disability. A diagnosis of any kind doesn't make a person disabled, symptoms do.

I can agree. Like when people say, "Oh but you're fine." It makes it harder to point out the areas where I struggle most. People will instead call me lazy or say that I'm making excuses. It's made getting help and support that much harder.

Me? Positive? Shhh. No. I'm just accepting the fact that I'm as selfish as people think I am. It's a natural part of me and it makes me happy that I have to bend every part of my being to please others.

I don't feel that my idiosyncrasies make me disabled... Well....maybe sometimes I do because I know it interferes with stuff like working. But for the most part, I look at it as being different, unique. And you're right, anything can definitely be considered a disability. I'm perfectly capable of doing a lot of things. The bad part is the social skills I lack or the type of environment I can function in. I don't know how to be productive in spit of these things.

...this is more complicated than I originally considered it to be. I just don't think you should apologize for any shortcomings you may have. People are crappy and if they make you feel bad for it, they are in the wrong, not you.

Why do you automatically assume full responsibility for severed relationships? It, in almost every case outside of a very very few, is a result of both parties. Don't carry the full burden of that weight. It's honorable to not scapegoat, but being unable to place any blame on anyone but yourself will turn self destructive.

And if this goes on in a church (I'll tread very lightly here due to my personal beliefs) people who proclaim themselves to be Christians should be trying to live Bibically. This includes helping the sick and disabled. Not placing yourself above others, expressing empathy, seeking to understand and accept rather than condemn (within reason of course). It does not appear as though this is happening. Maybe you gotta hit these people with some scripture and try to set them straight.