Feeling "frozen" with sensory overload & speech difficulty

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Maybe there is a thread on this topic but i didn't see one. I have a lot of difficulty in groups of people and yesterday after a long day of morning church service, family gathering in the afternoon, and evening at home with hubby and kids, I felt like i was shutting down. In the past i have described it as a feeling of "going inside and shutting the door"--not able to speak beyond bare minimum of what i need to communicate, or carry on an intelligent conversation, feeling like i cannot move. I can move, can speak, but it takes a lot of effort. There have been times when my power of speech is almost gone or i am stuttering trying to put my thoughts into words.

It is discouraging--i have a loving family and want to be "present" and it is not fair to my kids or hubby to have a silent mom/wife. But my body and brain do not cooperate. Does anyone have any helpful tips for days like this or just something encouraging? I guess i sort of am throwing a pity party and want to talk to someone who understands, more than anything (don't know anyone in my family/friends who shares this ongoing challenge).

But also truly want helpful tips if there are any. I do take some mild anti-anxiety meds but they don't touch this.

I've had similar feelings.

I wonder if just withdrawing into a dark room for 15-30 minutes might do the trick. Maybe bring in your tablet to indulge in your specialist interest.

Does your husband know your have Asperger's/autism? If so, maybe call it your "quiet room." Make sure everybody knows you're available if there's a real emergency--like somebody got badly hurt.

Thanks Kraftiekortie. I do find a quiet corner at times which helps...the problem is that by the time i go there i am so overloaded that i just put my head down and shake which scares the snot out of a child who may find me. And a book or tablet/computer would be beyond my powers of processing at that point. I am just a silent shaking thing trying to shut out the world when i get like this.

Hubby knows i have ASD--i am actually not officially diagnosed but our youngest child is. In working with the behavioral therapist for our child's ASD, we began to see that i am likely on the spectrum as well. At this point for me an official piece of paper is not worth the hassle it would take to get it. I and my family am aware and it is not something i need for accommodations at a job, etc.

However, the knowledge that i have it does not translate into understanding on the part of hubby or other family members. They are not uncaring people; but not having the sensory sensitivity i do, they just do not understand what it feels like. Not their fault and i try not to hold it against them. At one point hubby said of my intolerance of situations that put me on sensory overload, "well, you're just going to have to get over it and learn to deal with it." Dammit i did my best!! and this is where it gets me. But he no longer says stuff like that--i do think he is beginning to see it is not like i can flip a switch and be ok. But i cannot avoid all social situations and obviously my family needs to live with me.

I am sorry, guess i am doing more complaining than actual finding a solution to anything. Maybe i need to not do more than one social thing in one day? Actually i have thought maybe that might be helpful. It is days when i am in constant social activity; then come home to lots of housework left to do at 8:43 in the evening when i get like this and just shut down looking at life in general.

I have some executive function difficulty too; it is difficult to plan and space my time and energy so that i do not overload. Maybe this is the key?

Yeah...probably some sort of planning in that sense might help. However, life isn't like that most of the time. Different things "come up."

I believe you should plan even more for when your overload happens. You should plan to make sure your youngest child doesn't see you in that state (yes, it could be scary for kids). It would be a bit easier if you had a 2nd floor to your home. But make the room off-limits to your youngest child.

Make sure your family knows that when something major arises--that you'll be there. Maybe make up some sort of code for this.

My daughter gets something like you are describing, Probly. She just ain't good for nuthin' if she tries to do too many events in a day. Those close to her know they need to leave her alone for a while. She likes to pet her cat at times like these.

When I was raising a family, I had to go up to my bedroom and have "meditation" time for about 20 minutes every evening. The family knew not to bother me, not to knock on my door, at that time. It was quite helpful, although I don't think I have this problem to the extent you do.

The other thing I think you might do, by way of advance planning, is not to schedule two sensory-demanding, socially rich events in one day. In other words, either church or the family gathering, but not both.

Peace out.

Thanks for the input, kraftiekortie and bea arthur. I think part of what it comes down to, is that, even though i know that this is the way my brain works--and is not a character flaw to struggle with sensory overload--i don't want to admit it to my family. I am not afraid to ask for help from them, but i dig my heels in at showing them--especially my kids--the degree that i am incapacitated by simple multitasking that most moms do with a sigh and an eyeroll, not a meltdown. But keeping it in doesn't work either-- gets me the aforementioned frozen and shaking. (not crying...just shaking.) It seems so childish for a grown woman of 37 with a family. I am really ashamed to admit how bad it is. I can't always hide it from my husband but i do as long as i can. I am around lots of moms who do far more demanding schedules than mine; everyone good-naturedly complains about how busy they are and how they wish life would slow down. But the degree to which i am overwhelmed, and the reality of an aspie meltdown stemming from the activity of what others would see as a normal evening of running to athletic practices or music lessons, late suppers, a day of church or family functions, etc., is totally out of the realm of even imagination for anyone else i know who has kids, a job, and general busyness of life.

Trying to pass for NT can bring you to a complete breakdown - and how good will you feel about yourself, then?

I mentioned my meditation time because it is a nonspecific and diagnosis-free way of setting aside your solitary time. In fact, I didn't even know I had Asperger's back then. I didn't say "Mommy needs to go be alone for a while because I have sensory overload" etc.

Comparing yourself to others who are more high-performing is really cruel.

On the thread about mid-life breakdowns in hi functioning aspies i went into a little more detail about the breakdown i had a few yrs ago. I don't think i am headed for another one that bad, at least not yet...i am being much kinder and more forgiving of my limitations since then. But since i am better (not "cured" of the depression, but better) no adults around me are very mindful of any limitations that i may have. I am just supposed to be normal, like i was striving for before...like NT normal. My kids were pretty young to know much about my breakdown at the time, and i hid it from them as much as i could. I think they did pick up on it, and they do pick up on mom being forgetful, quick to tell everyone to calm down etc. I think they attribute it to the stress of living with their little brother, who is on the spectrum and very difficult at times.

But yeah, i am from a family who has a lot of aspies and a lot of aspie breakdowns from striving for excellence in all things...because "excellence" to them means as close to appearing NT as possible. I have a cousin who i currently worry a bit about every time i see him--his eyes look so sad and sometimes, knowing my own limits and having known him from childhood, i am wondering how well he is holding it together or if he struggles privately as i do. Sometimes it looks as if he is close to his limit.

I know you are right--i need to find a balance of being as functional as possible and being kind to myself. It is just easier said than done.

This.

If you worry about appearing "normal", it's going to drain you. This is from my point of view and your experience may be different, but to me, it's because:

-Consciously making eye contact takes energy
-Worrying about tone of voice takes energy
-Consciously trying to use body language takes energy
-Being considerate of what I say makes communication take longer, and it takes energy.

Those are just a few. Everything takes so much conscious effort that if you pay attention to it all, you're going to be exhausted. At least that's what happens when I start getting dizzy and the sounds start to "melt" and fuse together and become very loud. I also regress inwards, like I observe the world from way back inside my head. It's hard to explain, but that's what happens if I exhaust myself by spending too much mental energy trying to appear normal.

I think learning to find a balance is key. Know just how much conscious thought you can put into trying to appear normal before the danger signals start appearing. It's not always easy, because sometimes it's just too late and there was no telling, like with a panic attack.

I think you have been reading my brain. You put words to these things i can't articulate very well. I can put some social things on autopilot but only among ppl i am very comfortable with, or who are very forgiving of times when i lapse. Any other social skills take conscious effort, even small things like how i stand and walk. It takes a lot of effort to make it look normal--i have a naturally awkward stance and gait and naturally fidget a lot. Eye contact is hard too. It's all difficult--never thought about it piece by piece but when you break it down, i am in agreement with you--every piece of a social interaction, from eye contact, word selection, tone of voice, stance and gait...is a conscious effort to make myself look normal and as close to NT as possible.

I am often most comfortable when alone. Eventually i get lonely but it takes a long time. I tell my hubby i wasn't meant to live among people. Maybe it's time to be ok with looking a little less normal. Either that or go live in a cave.

I have a lot of these same struggles, and I've had the midlife aspie breakdown already. Don't want to go back there.

Lots of good info already talked about above. One thing I've figured out, though, is that I have react to help/protect myself *before* my sensory/social overload gets too bad. So I do things like:

- bring ear plugs everywhere I go, and I use them even if I'm just anticipating things will get bad.
- keep an MP3 player or my phone with me with earbuds, and I play white noise or other things that are neutralizing or calming for me. (I've found that sometimes just wearing the earbuds without any noise coming from the MP3 player/phone is just enough to dampen the sensory/social overload).
- I go into the restroom, into one of the stalls, and I quickly rub my palms together several times to warm them, and then I cup my palms over my eyes so I get total darkness. If I need more, sometimes I pull my shirt up over my face (like up to my forehead) and just breathe into my shirt for several breaths. It sounds weird, but its darkish, warm, and it ups my CO2 slightly
- I don't show up early for things, and I leave as soon as I can. I hang out at the periphery, etc., as works for lowering my sensory/social overload.
- I keep things that smell non-overloading for me stored around. Like there's a certain kind of bar-soap that has a very comforting smell for me, so I keep a brand new and never-used bar (in it's original box, so it doesn't make a mess) in my locker, another in my desk, etc.
- I use herbal things like Lemon Balm for general calming, when I know I'm getting anxious or will be. Not enough to sedate me, but just enough to take the nerve-edge off.
- Whenever possible, I avoid social situations that are just too complicated for me. I don't torture myself with trying to do them any longer.

And so on.

I love your sensory soothers you describe. I have splurged on some clothes that make me feel warm, cosy, and wrapped up. That is comforting to me and helps. I have some perfume that is not overpowering but comforting, and having that in my clothes helps me de-stress. I never really tell many ppl about it because it seems like something that most ppl would think is weird if i'd say it to them.

My one more question tho--How do you deal with others around you needing a "normal" life? and when you have a meltdown just from doing "normal" stuff? Specifically speaking of my husband's time-consuming seasonal hobbies and my kids' sports activities. Nothing that the rest of the world in our area doesn't do. (We actually limit our activities more than most. Hubby likes to purposefully carve out time at home--he would rather be home than anywhere else.) But these seasonal things are murder on me and i almost always end up having a meltdown--or multiple ones, which hubby then wants to help with; but by the time it comes on, any help is too little too late. I am breaking. I then have to recover from it which takes a while til the jitters subside--meantime he is saying, "well, f&*$%-it-all, i tried and it didn't do any good!" He cares and truly means well--i can see that in him. If he says/does things that feel cruel to me, it is not out of being a jerk--it is a lack of understanding. He truly feels bad when he adds to my burdens unknowingly.

I honestly don't know how to avoid meltdowns this time of year other than depriving my family of things that normal ppl do. Which doesn't seem fair to them, as they can handle it and enjoy it. I end up driving ppl everywhere and waiting for ppl to finish up their stuff. As much as the busyness, it is the unpredictability which is the nature of the beast in our activities, which sends me to a breaking point. I just don't know what to do. On Sunday i skipped church because we had another function later in the day. It helped--i know i was in a better frame of mind that evening than if i had tried to do both things and been even more worn out. But there are times when i have to do multiple things in a day, because i am the mom and there is no one else to do it.

Maybe there is nothing i can do other than just my best...but the feedback is welcome and appreciated.

I'm lucky in that I have a spouse who has learned (and chosen) to accommodate my aspie needs, but it was difficult at first. We almost split over it.

The biggest thing is that I've worked very hard to discover what prevents me from getting to meltdown stage, or what keeps me from breaking into one, if I can't stop the build up. To me, that's the #1 thing above all things. It feels like sh*t to have a meltdown, and it's no fun for anyone else either, so that was my plan: find out every possible thing that helps to prevent them or prevent them "breaking" into full explode. Then, once I knew/know them, I put them into place automatically. For example, I never go to see a movie without my ear plugs. Movies these days are so loud I can still hear everything just fine even with them in, so I don't miss anything. Using ear plugs is also an example of something that isn't disruptive to others or the situation. So, continue to look for these kinds of helps that work for you. It will take you a bit of long term effort to figure them out, and that's ok. But you have to figure them out. Then, once figured out, you have to actually implement them every time at the beginning (like when I put my ear plugs in as soon as I sit down in the movie theater - I don't wait for the movie to get loud first).

Next, when I'm getting close to a meltdown, I do my very best to isolate myself (lock myself into the bathroom, go out in the yard, go back to the car, whatever is best at the time. I've told my spouse and everyone else that when I tell them to go away, they need to just shut up and do that. No touching, no coaching, no cooing, no "trying to help", etc. Just go away so I can deal with the explosion happening or about to happen and get it over with. When others try to "help" me, it just makes the meltdown last that much longer. Remember, your meltdown is affecting your fight-or-flight parts of your brain. If the meat of your body believes it's in danger, having others mucking around can easily make your fight-or-flight even more intense. Isolate yourself into things and atmospheres that are calmer and calming - or at least not further intensifying. If others want to help, tell them way before your next meltdown that they can help by politely and privately steering others away, making sure you can be alone, turning off the extra noise from the other room, etc.

I also don't see anything wrong with helping your kids understand that their mom needs "quiet time", even helping them to appreciate having "quiet time" themselves. They can also be your allies, with some will and training.

Keep in mind the visual of a 100 gallon bucket of water. Most people run through their day at 25 or 50 gallons of water, quite naturally. Most aspies, though, run through their day at 75 to 95 gallons of water. A non-aspie could take an additional 20 gallons of water (stress, noise, sudden changes, etc) and still not be overflowing. An aspie, though, might find their bucket overflowing (meltdown, shutdown) with the same amount of stimulus.

So for all those things you can't get out of, also be looking for ways to decrease the stress (water level) of what you CAN affect - which, after some practice and good use, will effectively lower the general amount of water in your bucket so when something dumps in a bunch more you aren't so close to overflow.

I personally got a lot out of mindfulness meditation, years ago. It helped me learn to not react to some things, and it took water out of my bucket so I don't overflow as fast as I used to.

I know there are things that will help you, as well.

Thank you. It is a long hard journey to get to the point of working with your areas of difficulty, i guess.

I have only within the last yr realized (and acknowledged) that i am probably on the spectrum. For the 35 yrs prior to that, i was taught (as a child) that my aspie traits were things that were "wrong" and i needed to mature so that i wouldn't "act like that."

As an adult, and after marriage, I took that mindset along. I have been told i am just "worrier" and that that is wrong too. If i would just mature, "chill out," and relax, things would be ok. A mom who still tells stories on how slow i was as a child (slow processing) a hubby and kids who still get a dig in every time they can about how hard it is to get me anywhere on time. (I truly do try and have come a long way toward being on time for things. I have found ways of planning ahead most of the time, so i am learning to accommodate some of my aspie traits.) It is looked on as me being difficult and immature. I have a SIL who patronisingly tells me how "normal" it is to feel overwhelmed and all moms do. As if i were a child or immature. I am struggling with a lot of hurt with all of this, especially realizing the WHY of it all. These are all ppl who love me and don't realize how much it hurts when they speak like this of me, and to me.

I have been seeing the behavioral therapist who works with my ASD child and she is quick to tell me that it is not an issue of competence--that because i never felt safe with anyone due to the above input from family/friends, i freeze when overwhelmed. (like a rabbit or other small animal when danger is near--fight, flight or freeze)

All that to say that it is a huge mindset switch to go from punishing myself (which i know is cruel and i don't deserve--it is neurological, not immaturity) and to count accommodations as necessary to my and my family's well-being. But it's somewhere to start. Thanks very much for the input.

Certainly. Hang in there. You will "get" it. It takes some time to adjust to a new way of seeing and understanding oneself, especially if others aren't really being helpful or supportive about it (and getting in "digs" isn't truly being supportive, even if they are doing other positive things as well).

I suggest checking out other things that can be helpful for those of us with Executive Function issues. For example, I have zero sense of time or the day of the week and so on. So I keep three reminder programs on my smartphone. First is just Google Calendar, which tells me what day it is and what appointments I have for each day (I even put things like "Work" on work days, because otherwise I can't reliably remember where I'm supposed to be on a particular day). Because Google Calendar isn't that great at other things, I also use ToDoIst on my smartphone. There's a totally free version that's entirely usable - but I need the $29 for the premium version so it also will send me reminder alerts on my smart phone. So on ToDoIst I can add reminders like "Groom every Tuesday evening", and "Take the car for an oil change every 3 months". That kind of thing. Finally, I have another reminder program (just called "Reminder") that I only use for those things that I can't afford to space off - like clocking in at work. This program will keep nagging and nagging until I do the thing, which the others won't.

It seems complicated to use 3 different reminder programs, but for me, that's what I need and that's what works. It helps reduce my stress, and means I actually show up for things on time and accomplish the things I need to accomplish, even though my brain has zero ability to keep track of all that on its own. It means I am able to be really great at the things I am extra good at, without being so handicapped by the things I suck at. And that's one of the big deals with ASD and other executive function issues - we can be both really great at some things that others are just average or worse at, while still being ridiculously pathetic at things that others find hugely easy. Once I accept(ed) that, I was in a better position to just research and experiment and give myself permission to fail even if that's what it took to find out what works for me.

There are other things that can help with executive function stuff, as well. Perhaps some of those will help reduce your stress load and help you stay on task, so you aren't being harassed and feeling bad about yourself?

I am kind of old school--i don't use a smart phone but lists are my thing. I have found that days i make a list 1st thing in the morning, checking things off as i do them, are the days that go the best for me.

I have difficulty getting my housework done evenly, if that makes sense. Like one area is spotless but another corner has a whole spider community living happily. Certain tasks i procrastinate on because wrapping my brain around them is so hard, even though the task itself is probably something that 90% of the population would think is easy. Dishes are horrible for some reason.

My grandmother had an old book called "Management in the Home" that was written in such a way that much of it is helpful to the housekeeping of today because it was on organization--task that hasn't changed much in 50 yrs though other parts of housekeeping are. One suggestion in the book was to put tasks on index cards and and arrange them in weekly, monthly and seasonal tasks; then move the card to the back of the section when the task was finished. Something like that would probably help me for the stuff that is not done as frequently.

Also little stuff like packing my kids' lunches the night before and laying clothes out--including mine. No thought involved in the morning when we are sort of foggy and need not to waste time. I have a terrible time making decisions quickly unless it is a situation where i have protocols in place--"if this, then do this" type of thing. I do some of this stuff already but need to be consistent with it.

I also have terrible anxiety when my plans change or if i get sidetracked on something. But maybe i can make some sort of contingency plan so i won't feel so hung out to dry.

Ok, done thinking out loud. thanks again.